Monday, February 5, 2018

I miss my old times..

                    Courtesy of Youtube

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

When I was small...

                                         First Of May by Bee Gees - Courtesy of You Tube

This recent days, at night when putting her to bed, while she was ready to sleep, Aurora will demand me to tell stories. Tired I will, sometimes too tired to tell anything, but thinking that I want my daughter to sleep peacefully and be happy I told her stories that my mother used to tell us when I was small. Back in 1970's we did not have television nor electrics so our nights after dinner were filled with stories. My mother was an avid reader..she was an educated lady. In fact, if my grandfather was a bit open minded, she could be a teacher in her time. Sadly, parents in yesteryear's thought that girls were just girls, stay at home and be a good wife.

So, my mother used to tell us stories..funny story such as Ayam Togel, scary story such as the Giants and the Pumpkins, religious stories etc. I related the stories to Aurora. She had a good time laughing listening to my stories. Later on after few days, I ran out of stories. No choice so I began to tell her stories when I was small. How I  walked to school about three kilometres without shoes because I wanted to make sure my shoes were clean, how poor we were when there was no electrics and no running water, how we spent time in the river catching fish and small prawns, how my mother came to the river bringing "roti panjang" to chase us home. I told her we ate chickens during Hari Raya only, that my dad had to slaughter the chickens for rendang... she was not happy to hear that we had to kill the chicken for our "lauk"..she asked a lot of questions such as..why didn't we just buy the chicken from the market? I had to explain to her even she could not grasp the idea that to buy a chicken last time, was out of question. I told her story about us keeping 25 cats in the house..that we had named each of the cats. And so on...

Each night my mind wondered back to the old memories. Later, after Aurora dozed off, I continued to lay down next to her counting years that had gone by. How time changes...and I have become so old...

Till then.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Time flies..and make it quick.

I was sitting restlessly on the cold hospital bench waiting for my turn to see the optometrist. Next to me was my husband, who also almost reached the brink of boredom and fatigue. Tired of waiting since early morning till almost 1 o'clock. My eyes were earlier put with some ointment to make the pupils bigger so that the opp would scrutinize closer to see the glaucoma developed in my eyes. True, the opp worked like mad to see all patients with each one of them took almost 25 minutes of consultation. I was given number 23 and to wait for my turn was killing my nerves. Luckily, I insisted that Aurora would not come along. The brother came home to send her to school and later picked her up and fed her lunch.

While waiting, I put my head on his shoulder and thinking. Here we were, after more than 10 years of marriage, I have began my ordeal of hospital appointments. Eight years ago, when I was pregnant with Aurora, it was a different case. At least, the ending of the painful jabs, hospitalized with nausea and morning sickness, was this cute and healthy baby in my arms. This time...I don't know. I started to meet doctor, to follow strict medication intake, to jog every weekends, cautious of my food...and for what? The first perform my task as God's task as an officer and my task as a mom, as a wife and a sibling.

I spoke to my husband. "Bius, I want to finish my loans quickly. I want to retire early. I want to stay at home"... ( ..and  to spend every single minute with you..because I never know until when Allah will lend me time to live). The words in the brackets were only in my mind, because he was not so happy if I started to talk about death. He was so sad to find one stray of gray hair on my head. He did not want to loose me nor I do to loose him. Our love is hardly spoken out but it was more in the inside. After my Dad's gone, I am on the losing side. One by one is gone...

Please, away quickly. Finish this year quickly..and the next and the next. In five years time, I will retire. Allah, help me to be healthy. Lend me time to serve my dear family. Give me an opportunity to visit your home and show your mercy to me.

Till then..

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Al-Fatihah for my Ayah..

I could not focus on my work on that day. My brother sent message that day saying that my Dad was admitted in the public hospital near his home in Pasir Gudang, Johor. That night I told my husband to go and have the car serviced the next day because I would like to travel back to Johor on Thursday. The next day, I was really restless..called my sister and we decided to go to Johor that night itself.We could not wait till the next morning to start the journey because me and my sister were already crying.

We arrived around 3 a.m in my brother's house and after breakfast the next morning we went to see my Dad. He looked sick and so frail laying motionless on the hospital bed.  I took his hand but he screamed out of pain. Even his skin could not be touched. He just woke up from dialysis. He was tired. He said he was thirsty so I gave him some milo. I saw him taking some porridge but not much. That were the last two things he ate. The next day he was on coma. On Saturday my brother received a call from the doctor asking all of us to meet up. The doctor explained the options. To do dialysis with the risk that his heart might stop halfway through the process or just to let go and wait for his time. I managed to display my controlled emotion during the discussion but when we broke out our decision to the doctor, I chocked and my tears dropped. I told the doctor we opted the second option but please let him go in peace..and in no pain. The doctor promised he would make sure my father would be most comfortable waiting for the moment.

Early Monday morning, I kissed his forehead and said, I love you Ayah..and I went back to my brother's house. One hour after that my sister called.. Ayah had passed away at 1.30 a.m.

We went back to the hospital..and waited during the process and finally at 11.20 a.m Ayah was finally rested in Tanah Perkuburan Islam Cahaya Masai near Pasir Gudang.

I cried hard when I received the news that my mother passed away in Mecca performing Haj in 2000. I cried hard too when I received the news that my eldest sister passed away in her sleep in 2014. Both I did not have the chance to wait by the bed side but with my Dad, I saw when he was well, the next day in comma..and the next thing taking his last breath. It kept playing in my mind again and again. I cried but this time more the inside crying..deeper.

Ayah, I have lost many important people in my life but this time I felt different. When you are gone, I felt closer to Allah because never I forgot to ask Allah to forgive you and us all. Finally you arre reunited with Mak who had gone too seventeen years earlier.

Al- fatihah..