Thursday, August 10, 2017

Saying Goodbye..with heavy heart

When I received the letter, finally, my tears began to fill up my eyes. My subordinates cried. My students kept on asking..why do you have to go? Some sent me sad texts telling me they did not want me to go..

Actually, my heart sank. I did not want to go but I HAD to go considering the facts that my body could not take the pressure of travelling far every day. My leg..especially my right leg was continuously in pain. My check up at the clinic confirmed that diabetic was the reason, that I have to take medicine daily, that I need to control my food intake ( no more sweet tooth) and that I need to exercise to lower down the sugar level in my blood. Whew! Well, I obeyed even sometimes I missed following the doctor's order. I can say I felt better after that, but still my run - down body could not accept the routine of driving  the way home after work. Many time my eyes fact begging me to close..just for few moments to rest. My mind said...stop it! Wake up! You are speeding! I sang songs..talked loudly to my self, I put the radio to the maximum volume..just to stay awake. However, still I felt sleepy. I knew Allah was kind to me by making sure that I was safe every day but this could not continue. I need to stop driving every day before any thing bad happen. And now it was the time. I HAVE to go.

For the last 2 weeks before the movement, I spent many hours of walking around the school compound. I enjoyed every second, trying to plant every pictures in my mind. I kept on telling my self, these were the last two weeks of me being a teacher, a headmistress.. Later I would not be addressed as teacher, I would have no students, I would loose all the privileges as the head administrator...I would loose all. 

On the positive side, my ordeal of travelling every day, driving ever day finally stopped, if not forever. This new job still needs me to drive, to travel but not every day and not to the same destinations. I broke the record even on the first week it self going to the school deep inside the jungle, on 4 wheel truck, meeting the teachers who were dealing with the impossible trunk road ever day. Suddenly, I felt I was blessed with much better option to go to work when I was a teacher before. I was lucky. 

I spend more time with Aurora and my family. It is a huge release of pressure and my body is not aching like before. I am better even not in all aspects because deep down I still miss my subordinates, miss my walking around the school, miss the noise..miss the food..miss the warm smiles of people there. 

Thank You Allah the Greatest Planner. To You I surrender all my longings and all my wishes. And only You decides the Best.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Life changing..

It started almost a year ago. I was in my room when my boss called. He wanted to see me saying that he had something important to tell me so. So I left office and rushed driving almost 60 km to see him in his office. He made it simple when he asked me to leave school and join him in his office being his right hand man in the administration of the schools in the whole district.

I was shocked and immediately refused. I gave many reasons and the most important I dont like office work, going to the schools, finding faults, solving problems... I like to be in my place and do my work quietly and silently. My boss said many things and finally he said this is one way to bring me back close to home...and for that reason, and that reason only, I finally said yes.

Today, the third day in my new office, new post, new friends, I felt lost and sad..

Sunday, December 18, 2016

A little update..

Hi. I rush to scribble something here, just to make sure that the blog wont sleep for long like it used to. My life is full of activities and always on the move. I missed laying down on the bed after Subuh..missed having breakfast with hubby and Aurora except on weekends which for me is not enough. So last week I took 4 days off plus the weekends and public holidays to make a straight 7 days off. What a blessed days free from rushing..and driving.

We went back to Kelantan for 3 days..just to satify my craving of Kelantanese food. I didnot do shopping like others..just spending time meeting relatives and eating to fill belly with good food.

Then, this weekend we drove to KL on Saturday so we could attend my husband's nephew wedding. My sister in law requested a cake for the wedding  so I had to bake in on Friday, put the icing Saturday morning...went bringing the cakes to KL,stayed in hotel for one night..and this moring went straight to the wedding location to assemble the cake which later cut by the wedded couple..and thats it. My work is done..and that a little thing I could help my kind sister in law.

May the bride and bridegroom live happily ever after. Ameen.

Till then..
The bride and groom love

The cake..with blooms


My are so cute..

Sunday, October 30, 2016

The wind of change..

I have been neglecting this blog for many many months. Not that I have lost my passion on putting new entry nor lost my mood in writing. I still do but the everyday routines take up most of my time, sometimes I just drive as fast as I could so I could reach home every afternoon after work, have something to eat then doze off. The next morning wake up early to start the day with the same routine..again and again. No time to read, more to write..and one thing, Aurora keeps her eyes on my phone everytime I get home. She loves my phone as it is wide enough to see her favourite little pony..

She is a big girl now. Speaks fluent English..suprises me many time with her bombastic words. She could speak Malay too, even it sounds funny to me. Her Malay pronunciations is odd and takes a lot of effort to utter a single meaningful sentence. However for her parents, it is very good enough. She is improving everyday.

She is taller n her lively chatter welcomes me home. On my way home, while driving, thinking of her makes me smile. I could not wait to reach home to kiss her cheeks and to smell her hair..sweet smell and it is a relief to be able to hug her.

My big girl Anduk is away in Shah Alam to do her
degree in law. She needs to struggle as it is quite a tough course but then it is her choice. I am proud of her because she is a small girl physically but with a very strong heart and determination to success. She does not have any trouble in taking care of herself, to mix well with her friends and to study hard as a law student.

Am has graduated last week. A diploma holder, the best student in his course. I am happy that he earned Dean List every semesta so I hope he will get a sponsorship to do his degree..he dreams to go to NZ. I really hope he would get his wish. I pray for him hard.

I am getting older. Next 2 week I will celebrate my birthday..another year has passed and still I have not gotten to be the person I wish to be. Not that I mean richness or better post. I am happy the way I am now. The only thing I miss is to be closer to Allah, to be able to perform more kindness and be a more obidient servant to Him. I too need to take care of my health. My legs are always in pain, my joints hurt everytime I get up from sleep. Aurora notices it. Aurora said to me in the car just now, " Mummy, dont get old. Be younger. I need you longer". Such a  deep sentence from a very young girl. True enough, she is very perceptive and very much matured compared to her age. She understood death. Once she notice a gray hair on my head. She asked why gray? I told her I am getting old. She cried.

Allah the most gracious and the most merciful, please give my baby the chance to enjoy me as her mother long enough until she could be on her own. Right now she needs me. She comes into my life bringing so much joy and happiness. She heals my pain and giving me reason to survive. Now she sees me as her saviour and her angel but most is she loves me as I am her mummy. Simple but yet that is the best reason. hide and seek

Am..on his graduation day

Her birthday gift..

Waiting for Anduk's interview..she got it!

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Busy like a bee..

Hi long I abandon you..But life goes on, am trying hard to keep up..daily routine, my family, my effort to have some free time for my writing which sometimes sadly taken over by fatigue. Trully I need rest more than anything because without it, I certainly could not perform my various duties. So, my free time is mostly fill up by dozing off quietly in my bedroom. Sometimes, on my way to fall asleep, I could hear my hubby hushed Aurora telling her..." mummy asleep, be quiet". Or sometimes I opened my eyes a bit to see him putting blanket over me, or adjusting the aircond temparature so that I could rest peacefully. With that, I know he cares and loves me eventhough I overlooked him, assuming that he could take care of everything since now I am busy..I am sorry Bius..and thanks so much..I love you..again and again..until we both grow old together.

My children are busy too..Ayuni is sitting for her final exam..Am is doing his practicum..and Aurora is ecouraged and pushed hard by me to learn to read. A very hard task because her mother is losing patience easily..

Here some of recent photos of us..

Have a good weekend everybody..

With Auntie Mani


Roller Blade..

Her cat toys..

Like a pro..

A soft spot on her dad..

Thursday, January 14, 2016

What matters most..

Its has been too long since the last time I posted something here.Happy new year to all. New age..but the same old person.

Many times I felt I have had experienced all in life. However sometimes things happened left a very stong and lasting bad feelings to me..until I could not sleep and rest.It is happening today.

My good impression and respect on soneone in high rank lost today. I had assumed those with authority..wise..and likes to talk about religous are supposed to be good delivering words and attitude..apparently some are not. Better those my gardener who sweat in the hot sun doing all those dirty job but still maintain respect and politeness when adressing people. Education
does not promise intelligent. And intelligent does not promise pure human heart. I had a bad experience but it opened my eyes.I do not have any power to demoralise any body but at least I have good mouth and my words do not hurt anybody..

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

After 3 times...

I had been working hard on something.. with a lot of effort to no avail. So long..and so much trouble but it was fruitless. This recent episode of my life making me sad and down. So much sadness and frustration due to the amount of hope and time spent on but apparently all gone to the trash bin. I have been worried and thinking and planning of what could I do more to secure my wish. Then, it is all in Allah Qada' and Qadar.

I slowed down. After 3 times trying, so much so, it must have meant that Allah is trying to tell me something. Trying to show me that whatever I have been working on was not good for me.That Allah has another plan for me, that He is showing me the correct path and decides on something which is much much a better option and the best solution to my problems. Trully, I did performed a lot of Solat Hajat and Tahadjjud  for this wish but Allah knows better. And after 3 times trying hard,I gave up.

I told my self that I had done enough and I had enough of this. Its time I let it go. As Your servant I cant do anything not even lifting a  finger if You says no. I did my best so I am redha to your Qada' and Qadar. Only to You I depend on and only You bestows me any rezeki if it is mine at the end.

Ya Allah, aku bertawakkal padaMu...

Till then..