Am has flown away..

 

                    Bye Mommy.. 😭

Finally, after months of preparation of visa, the officials of the university, the accommodation there (they are really professional and helping) the heartache dealings with the sponsorships ( it is a shame.. Far from being professional) .. Am had actually flew from KLIA last night together with 3 friends to Amsterdam. After touching down at Schiphol Airport, they will take an hour trip train to IHE Delf. They will be quarantined for at least 5 days and on the 21 October they will have the first class. 

Anakku Am.. 

I am proud of you, not to say I am not proud of Anduk ( she has started working in KL.. very independent girl she is).. And I am sad..because he has gone far away from me..too far to visit him frequently.. 

Study hard there and take a good care of your self.. Remember your task as a Muslim, as a student and as our son.. 

We are missing you and we love you so much. 

Wut

Counting..

 

I am counting the days..

Now, alone in the room..my friends are either taking leave or working in the other office. The separation of these two districts is final. One of my friends had received a letter officially appointing her to move back to Muallim. The office is very close to her house and I am glad she does not have to travel far every day. May be through this she can give her focus on her task since that distance will not be an issue any more. 

Another friend is hoping to get transferred there too as promised by the head. However, due to last minute thought  by the head, he did not get what he wishes for. This creates tension and uneasiness for both parties. The other friend stays here as this is his home town.

And me...?

I just look... like an old book in the shelf. Mine is over soon. Not that long to go until I will be taken off from the shelf  or rather me my self surrender to be moved to the unwanted trays of books. I will gladly call it a day because I can't wait to be an outsider to this office.

I could see that things are slowly settle down by it self. Those who went all the way to get promoted to the posts they like, may get what they want. Those who are making it a target to stay in power, may be will stay in power. Some wanting more power, but could note get it, get frustrated .. but keep on trying and tying pushing, lobbying, any body...so obvious until it became pathetically sad. I still could not fathom of why they are doing so...because the more power you have, the more responsibilities will come with it..It scares me..and that's why higher post is not in my agenda. I rather withdraw far from it.

Sorry my ex-boss..your wish will not come true. 

And soon, I will be free. And I cut all the string, especially with you.

Wut

Buzy.. But still sad.

 I have got tons of things to do.. Filling in forms.. Hundred of pages to read.. To put my signature on.. Many places to go.. And a lot of money to spend..Oh Allah The Almighty.. Please help me.. Ease my burdens..and make things easy for me and all..

However, when I am alone or at night before closing my eyes, I will remember..

Sadness.. I wonder when will it go away  from  my heart.. The pain, the hurt still burning inside.

Sometimes too much and still making me cry..

If only there would be a way to stop the misery, I would have taken it.. 

Please Allah.. I have enough.. I beg You..let it be gone from my mind, my heart.. 

😭 Wut. 

Time is running..

 I am counting the days.. Less than 100 days to go..

But then, the more I count the days, the less others seem to notice that I will be gone..soon

I keep getting more tasks.. more projects..more things to think about.. more responsibilities.. more heartache..

Sometimes I want to scream.. Please give me a break.. I cant take too many things at a time.. I am an old lady.. My mind of course can think but my body is tired.. I just want to let go.. The head needs to realise that I will not stay longer.. I need to be free.. Free of the last string that binds me to this office.. The place that reminds me of him.. The pain.. The suffering..

Please.. Let me go.. 

Wut.. 😭

Terkenang..

 Wut

The new day of the new year..

 I would like to thank Allah for giving me time, opportunity to set my feet in this new year.. Even though last year was a sad year for me with most of the time I felt really down, frustrated and broken hearted, somehow I managed to go through the days until now..

I would never forget the sad event but as my son Am told me.. Why should you forget? It would be futile.. You will waste your energy.. Yes, its true. Am said, just let the time passed by until the sad event was covered by many other events.. Some important, some not.. But all those events and stories would somehow make the pain less importance..less hurting..and may be, my heart will be not so much vulnerable towards him..I cried listening to his advice.. 

Now after a year, it was proven that Am was right.. 

My son, I adore you.. You will forever be my sun.. My saviour.. 

Till then.. 

Wut

The leaves are falling..

 

Few nights ago, I was at the weakest time of my life. I had vomited non stop for 2 weeks and I had no energy left in my body. I had been warded but when I came home, it all started again.

I prayed hard. 

Allah The Almighty, if You want to take me now, it will be not a second late and not a second early. But please let me finish my mission that is to pay all my loans and then to see my family taken care of financially. To see Am flying off to Netherlands to further his Master degree this September, to see Ayuni doing her chambering in court and to see my husband and Aurora survive with my pension. 

I don't mind joining my mom even though I am truly, truly scared to meet YOU. I am not a very diligent Muslim but I am spending the last two years to be close to YOU. Please forgive me Allah for all along the way to find you I had been sidetracked for a while. 

I slept and today I am feeling better. 

I realised one thing.. I am not just physically ill but my soul is in pain.. So much so until I come to point of no return. 

Allah chose I don't die that night but who can tell.. My leaves are dropping.. Fast. 

This song above is telling my stories.. 

Wut.