Loving SOMEONE who can NEVER be YOURS!

Loving someone who can't be yours is probably one of the most painful thing to experience. You keep yearning to be with that person, with the knowledge that you can make that person really happy, if only he will let you, that you are the perfect one, if only he will realize it. You love someone who is not YOURS and most likely someone else is like having that really really favorite food in front of you but at the same time knowing that if you take a bite, you'd get poisoned. It may be worth the bite but you know that you can never do it.

When you love someone who will never be yours, it will always be bittersweet. There may even be a point where you just want to not love him because it hurts too much, because you might want too much, more than what the other person can give. When you love someone who will never be yours, it is the ultimate sacrifice, you know he will never love you yet you can't stop loving him.

We may be made to believe that we can find happiness in others, but real happiness comes from within. It is in living without guilt knowing that we have not forsaken those who truly love us in exchange for those who just make us believe that we are loved. Don’t let the lure of getting what you want take away what you already have.

It’s true that most of us willfully consent to what we see as right in our eyes. Like careless drivers , we follow the dictates of our hearts and stubbornly become slaves to our own feelings and desires. We fail to think rationally and blindly ignore the ” red stop light” that warns us of peril ahead . We may have been victims of ignorance but when the truth is finally revealed to us , we still choose to remain nonchalant and care less about the consequences of our actions. 

Loving someone with all our hearts is not all that it takes to make a relationship last. Even if we prove our worth in many ways, seen and unseen, we still cannot be given a guarantee of permanence and loyalty in our relationships. 

Even in our best effort to keep our bonds strong and steadfast, there are just times when we have to accept that not all relationships are meant to last. Loving someone doesn’t always mean that were are going to be loved in return. Being faithful doesn’t always mean that your partner will always be true to you. Getting into a relationship is always a risk. There is just no guarantee that it will work the first time, or even the second or third time, if there will be any. Sometimes, love means having to say goodbye to someone you would have wished to become one with. Sometimes, love means getting hurt and being broken into pieces.

God always puts a red stop light along our journey to remind us that we are going to hurt ourselves if we stubbornly step on the gas and move on. But he doesn’t put a physical barrier to keep us in place . In the end , it is still our choice, based on our own free will to stop what is wrong and move on with what is right.

When you love someone who can't be yours, you stop loving yourself.

♥ Lablabs ♥

I read and reread the last sentence..its true. I do not love my self..


Till then..

I remember..

The old days keep rolling in my mind..sometimes I could not sleep at night..well many nights because my mind was too busy remembering...

Sometimes it was too much until I got up from my bed after tossing and turning for hours..unrolled my praying mat, and prayed..prayed hard and talk..a long talk with my creator..asking for help. Please help me to forget..to move on..to throw away all these feelings back to the person who started it first.

I am suffering..too much until I become so clever of hiding it from any body. I manage to potray my smiling face, performing my tasks with excellent results..but when I am alone, at nights..all changed. I am slowly being dragged to depression..and I know I have to stop.

I have only a friend..

                            From You Tube

Till then..

Pandemic...

Today is the last day of Phase One of the Movement Control Order. Never in my 55 years of life our country has to go through this ordeal. As if we are in war when we are asked to stay at home..24 hours a day..30 days..a month. Start on 18 March all schools close down, offices, private or government premises..almost all except essential services providers.

My children came back before the lock down with Ayuni was not feeling well, making me worried like mad. Idham, having problems with the factory where he was doing his practicum, and he decided to quit working there. By March 18, everything stopped. I did not go out from house since that day except March 24 when I had to got to clinic to get my prescribed medications. There we were asked to wait outside the premise because a bus carrying several prisoners were on the process of taking samples for Covid 19. After that we were allowed to go inside. I finished my check up and rushed home, taking my bath thoroughly washed away any germs.

Day by day the number of cases have risen up..from hundreds to thousands..from 2 deaths to 37 today and counting. I am worried and I am sure everybody is as worried as me. I really pray to Allah that this pandemic would be over soon and we will go back to our normal life. I pray all the people I love including him would be protected from this virus, those infected would be healed and those front liners would be given strength and endurance to go all along the way.

One thing for sure, I need to write the letter soon..

Till then..

She passed..

Yesterday I was busy. In the morning I visited one school. I was happy with the improvements and returned home feeling glad. Later that afternoon I was asked to go to an event on behalf of the big boss. There I met the wife of a very prominent person in this state. I was skeptical at first but she was humble and proved herself to be a very intelligent person..I enjoyed my meeting with her.

That afternoon I baked a cake ...a retirement cake for a staff who will retire today. And later my daughter called saying that she was on ETS already coming home. When she reached home, she was not in a very good mood..more like worrying...the results will be out tonight..and stressed because at midnight the ITMs exam portal would be jammed packed with students anxious to check the results.

I did not sleep well the whole night and woke up at 4.30 to icing the cake. Later I went inside her room and she murmured to me.."Mummy, I passed". I was so overjoyed.

Thank you Allah..Thank you..You answered my wishes..

Meeting and meeting and .....

For many weeks I have all sorts of meeting for all sorts of agendas..I am tired..really tired. I drove every where..top bottom, the west, the north..my legs hurt every night. And next week till the end of the month, I will travel again for meetings and courses. I really need a break..not a short break..a long one..a retirement.

I have not visited my clients for so long..I miss them. However, I wonder do they miss me?

And I miss that person..so much it hurts...

A reminder?

I am taking care of my health..especially since I work near home more than 2 years ago. I find it easier to go to clinic for my scheduled check up compared to the time when I traveled long distance before. I could feel after 2 years of taking my medicine accordingly, jog at least twice a week have improved my health. Another aspect is my inner/soul medication..I tend to talk more to Allah through praying at night. It helps a lot in my time of sorrow like now.

However few days ago I had this migraine..I called this  migraine because I could feel the pain was only on my left side of my head and the pain was not specifically on one place but it was moving to one spot to other spot at times. I was so uneasy and felt weak. I took my hypertension medicine as usual, so I did not think it was due to hypertension. I was tired of taking medicine so I decided to go for massage. It was better and I could go to work the next day.

One of my final wishes is to die without having to go through suffering or lying on bed before the last breath. I really do not wish to burden my family..my husband and my kids. I really do not want to go with any grudge or ill hearted towards them. I want to go with blissful feeling, feeling loved and happy till my last day. I do not want my kids to have trouble taking care of me if I was bed ridden and was depending on them on anything. I really hope that it will not happen. I do not want my kids to be sinned just because I feel hurt on any of their bad treatment to me (if any). So, I really hope my last day would be quick and painless.

And I really hope that I could get my "Husnil Khotimmah" .. the good end.

 

2020

                                                                     From Google

Since the Prime Minister introduced  the  slogan Wawasan 2020,long time ago, I was wondering what would happen to me in the year 2020. Here I am...working in the place I had never thought I would be, having colleagues whom I had never thought I would mixed up with, giving ideas in meetings which I had never expected I would be in..

Even though things have changed tremendously over this recent years, this new decade does not change me personally. I am still the same person long before the slogan was launched. And now the year has come, I am still having the same thoughts, the same ideas, the same attitude ... The only difference is I am more vocal, I speak my mind (not rude)..when I have to but then when I do not have to speak, I will be quiet, doing my things..writing, reading, listening to religious talks in YouTube..and the go out running my errand and doing my tasks. I am all alone..

I really miss my dear partner, Tn Hj Thani...I miss discussing our job nature, talking about people around us, the office, tell stories about us..I miss so much of our pasts..and so much more.

I thought I would contemplate with the new year of my decision to opt for early retirement. However, with several days have gone in this new year, I am more confident and adamant that I should retire early. I have chosen the day already..February 1st 2022. Yesterday I went to the old office to collect several documents and I hope by next week I should be able to collect all the necessary things. By June this year, I shall fill up the form and wait for 20 months after that for the final day.

That is my final decision.