The busy bee..

 Some of her close-ups which I adore. I love you yang..

Playing with bubbles..

At Atuk's house..

Lepak..waiting for the brother's interview.

I love her cheeks..

She really look like a Korean/Chinese baby here..

Hehe..she and her tablet..like pro

In her catwalk..amboi siap letak tangan kat pinggang..

Smile..this is for u Net..

 I think I am busy than the bee. My head is buzzing with work..work..work..assignments..assignments..
forums..logs..logs..can't stop until it becomes too nauseating..Too much to think..to do.. and to make
it worse I am too tired to do any work. I just want to sleep. However, falling asleep is not easy..so I came out from bed and began to type this entry.

I just want  to talk about something simple and giving me warmth and pleasure. What else..Aurora.  She is getting bigger, more choosy on food, does not sleep much at noon..all the time playing with her tablet, watching tv, playing with her penguin stuffed animal, her "bibi". Or just simply jumps on the bed and plays with me. Just for a while because a few minutes later the mother would drift to sleep leaving Aurora with her brother. She loves the brother...calling him "Am". We tried to train her calling her brother Abang but to no avail. However with her sister, she can simply pronounce the word "kakak".

Talking about "kakak", the "kakak"  has now settled down staying in hostel and studying in the boarding school. We visited her every weekend, an activity which is very tiring and costly. I keep my promise, to visit her every weekend, just to make her comfortable and for her to get used to be far away from family. Now, she is okay, she has joined the drama club, gets a part to act and they are going to participate in the district drama competition right after the school holiday. I am glad she is okay..miss her so much during week days, but I have to bear my ears listening to her chatting every weekend. Hehe..still the same. She likes to talk..and I have to listen.

That's my life now. Busy with my course assignments..my office work..my family routines. Too busy to have a lovey dovy time out with my husband. Hmm..I miss that time.

Till then.

Back to work..

I came back to office on Monday. It was hectic as usual..and I was trying my best to cope with all unattended work I have left behind. My boss is back too..to his normal self. However, it was difficult for him to handle two things..work and housework without a wife. I talked with him for a long time that Monday morning. I knew he is trying his best to be professional but deep inside he is still mourning..and that is understandable. I wish I can console him..be closer to him..hug him ( Oh my God)..Of course I can't do that. I think he will suffer for a long run..he is quiet type, lonely..he seldom speaks openly to others..except for me.

Considering that fact, I agreed to replace him to go to Cyberjaya yesterday, to witness of MOU signing between TM and Pintar Foundation. I came home late at night..and it was a very tiring trip. I pity Aurora and my husband. I have no wish to be a boss if I have to abandon them.

I have been working hard to accept who I am. Now, when things have settled down, I am trying the hardest  to maintain my serenity and my rationality. Let's be thankful to what we have in our hands and stop acting like a stupid and naive girl starting life. Grow up Wut!!

I wish holidays is coming soon. I am tired.

Happy Birthday My Son...You Are 18 today

I have finished packing and now is our lunch and Jumaat prayer break. I have ample time to write the entry of my son's 18-years-old birthday. Last night there was no internet access.We came back late from our group discussion and later had our supper outside. My friend drove us outside the complex and we had a nice chat and came back around 12.00 midnight.

My family will come to fetch me around 6 p.m.My husband has  to drive to Teluk Intan to get Anduk first and later drives down here to get me. Its a long way...up and down. But then, what can we do. Later, we will go to KL to celebrate my son's birthday. The 18th.

The first phase of my six months course will end around 5.00 p.m today. I am excited to go home for three weeks and I will continue the course by doing some research ...doing a report...using the website to answer many and many assignments, quizzes...forums...reports again..exams..continue with attending 2 more weeks of lecture here..and exam some more and that's it. By July 15, we should be able to graduate with a diploma. My Goodness...it's a short course with a loootttt of work.

I sent Idham a message last night before I went to sleep..

Happy Birthday manja mak..you are 18 yrs old now..a young man..caring and compassionate..clever and smart..humble and kind son of mine..since you were in my womb I have love you..still love you ..and will always love you forever..In my pray you are always prayed and I hope Allah will grant you happiness..here and afterward..You have given me so  much joy and I am blessed to have you. It's because in my world you are my sun..and your shine lights me up every time I feel dark. happy Birthday sayang mak..I love you so much...

It was a long message..but he simply replied Tq..mak.. Am...Am..memang la anak mak ni "a man with a few words.." Hehe..

Happy Birthday Am...

Aurora is 29 months..

Aurora and her big sister..Anduk

Yesterday marked Aurora's 29 months old birthday. I am far away so I couldn't kiss her and hold her in my arms..She is still the loveliest baby I have ever seen ( to me ). Still unable to utter a simple sentence. More towards using English. Calls me "Mom".."shu"...for shoes..for "susu". The rest still no improvement. Sometimes I am worried thinking about her vocab which is very limited. However I try not to be too worried because she is still below 33 months.

She has her own tablet..her online games for toddlers. She used to play with her dad's or my hand phones.  We decided to buy her one, a very odd decision for us. I have never thought we would buy her a gadget even she is still so young but now technology has gone beyond the age boundary. However, we try not to let her getting too engrossed with her tablet. She has to go outside and play. Or stay inside the house playing with us and her toys..car models and her 'bibi"...a stuffed "anakpatung".

My baby..I can't wait tomorrow to see you..kiss you..hold you in my arms. I love you my yang..

Doing assignment..just like 20 years before.

Now I am in the middle of doing assignment which is so hard to proceed. I am supposed to write in Malay and it needs to be grammatically correct and intellectual enough to be posted to a website. Something I have not used to do..something which I managed to escape for many years. And now, I have no choice. Do or die.

 Hmm..God, please help.

Some things are better kept in silence..

I am starting this blog a few years back with two things in mind. A place where I can update my pregnancy ( with Aurora at that time) and later on updating her development month by month. Soon she is going to be 29 months old.

The second idea is a medium to express my inner feeling in a language I love ...English even though some times Malay can express better. I have been updating Aurora's development, but I admit some times I forgot or too busy to jot down some things every 6th day of each month. And I have managed to express a lot of my experiences, feelings, incidents that occur in my every day's life in a form of journal. However, I have never managed to express my inner feelings (deep inside my heart) in this blog because  sometimes they are too private or just simply too complex to be put in words. I believe other blogger are the same..except few who are quite daring.

Nevertheless, at this moment I really want to write something ( considered secrets in my heart ) which can be concluded in several sentences.
               a)   Allah will test your words. Don't be too boastful putting a statement. You never know what awaits for you in future.
               b)   Feelings are from Allah. HE decides to make you love some one or hates some one. It is not yours. HE decides what would you feel..sadness or happiness is HIS. However, whatever feeling you have, keep it in silence because not everything can be exposed.
               c)   However, we human can always pray to HIM to bring us down to earth every time we feel that we have lost our way. We can always come back to the right path if only we can realize it and make amend.
              d)    Whatever happens to you physically, mentally or emotionally is decided upon you already..in Loh Mahfuz everything is stated clearly. We human will have to carry it on as HIS servants.
              e)    As to end my entry tonight, I am very thankful I have experience all those above. I am happy Allah decides that I have to go through all those. I am happy to be given a chance to FEEL..a gift  which not every body is lucky enough to have.  Thank you Allah. Sesungguhnya aku redha dengan takdirmu.

Till then..

It breaks my heart..

Last Wednesday, I was in class when my sister messaged me. If  I was free,she would want to call me. I could feel something is wrong..she wouldn't have asked to call me because she knew I was having a class. It must be something important.

I asked her to call immediately. She told me something sad. It breaks my heart..till I cried in the toilet for nearly 30 minutes.

Before I came for this course, I met my sister in the market. She encouraged me to go for this course. I reasoned with her saying that Aurora couldn't not eat outside food all the time unlike the brother and the father. Due to that I had prepared  a simple recipe of chicken soup for Idham to cook. I cut the chicken into bite sizes and put it into the freezer.I told Idham the steps to make the soup, I even showed him the steps. But then my sister insisted that she could bring some cooked food from her kitchen rather. Listened to that i was very thankful enough.

My sister managed to send the food to my house only 3 times when on last Tuesday the fight broke out. The fight between her and her husband. The husband questioned her motive sending food to my house saying that she went to 'a jantan house'. The 'jantan' he meant was of course my husband. He said my sister went to the house which is only occupied at the moment with my husband, my son and Aurora. True, but my sister never went inside the house and before she came she called my husband first, and my husband would send my son outside the house, near the gate to pick up the food. My husband did not even go out of the house to see her. Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...why do this stupid brother in law could even have a bad thought about my husband and the worse thing is accusing the good wife (my sister) of being disloyal and 'menggatal' with my husband?

I cried. Cried because I felt sad.  Because of me leaving the house attending  this course this thing happened. I knew for so long, since my sister and that man got married, that he is not a good and protective man. He is very selfish and unfair. He just wants my sister but never want us, her family. Many times when my mother was still alive, she cried because my sister seldom came back to my mother's house whereas they would go back to the husband's parents' house every month. We feel sad but as long as he takes a good care of my sister, its okay with us. However, when this recent incident happened, I feel bad because he never appreciate my sister. He forgets that his wife is my SISTER.

I could not protect her from her own husband. Its her marriage but I will always be with her through sad moments because the blood is thicker than water.

Later, when we finished talking on the phone and I managed to wipe the tears away, I went back into the class. True, this course is tough. Not just the syllabus but the pain suffered by all..me, my family and my sister, to name a few.

Till then..