Thursday, December 27, 2018

December is going away..

I am sitting alone here with my mind wondering around. I have finished my task, completing my file for next year. I am just waiting for my partner to finish his part of the report and then to put it on the boss's desk and that it is.

My husband is at the school coop buying books for Aurora. She changes school. The new school is quite far from home and is along a busy road. I am worried but we have no choice. The previous school was not complimented with Aurora's academic and  physiological  development. I have many comments about the school administration, but let them be..Some people cannot change even they are getting old. Attitude and attributes are two distinctive problems that are challenging me in my work. So we had a long discussion about it and decided that Aurora had to move out to prevent any conflict with my job.

Anduk is sitting for her exam and Am had finished his. They will both continue to the sixth semester and then for a year and half to finally graduate. Am is doing his best to help me with his  and Anduk's personal expenses. I am very grateful for his help. He told me that he wants a new hand phone because the one that he is using now is nearly broken. I told him to save money but still he offers me some of his saving for his sister. I pity my children. I am not rich and they know that. That's why they are doing part time jobs any time they can just to make end meets. I just hope in the nearest time possible, while I am still healthy and alive I can give them ease of having to work hard for money. They are good kids. And I cannot thank Allah enough for His blessing, giving me bighearted children despite my unhappy yesteryear's.

Schools will reopen in few days time. I will be busy in the coming months. By May I will be alone since my partner will retire that month. I wonder who will be my new partner and who ever he/ she is we will be able to work as professional as possible. I will be sad saying goodbye to my colleague as he is very good in his job, teaches me many new things, new approaches and a very good listener to my lamenting. We spend many hours discussing our tasks. I am very comfortable with his presence so much so I do not mind dozing off few minutes after lunch in front of him...hehehe. I will surely miss him as my partner and also will miss his intelligent talks which I respect so immensely.

Dear Allah The Al-Mighty God..let the time passes quickly. I also want to retire soon. I want to spend time making my family happy. I want to spend more time with You. I know the coming years will not be easy but please help me to go along the days with your blessings..aminn

Homework during the holiday..recite the multiplication table..then drawing

                                                        Finally..cats every way possible..

Till then..Happy New Year all

Monday, November 5, 2018

My final decision...

Image result for counting the 4 years
Help me Allah...let the time flies

I have been serving the nation for more than 28 years. I feel I am too old to continue working. I want to enjoy my my old days peacefully. However, thinking about my unfinished loans, my kids in universities, Aurora still young and her insurance still needs a long time to mature...all that making me forget the idea to retire. Even when my legs are giving me away, my eyes are blurring, my mind is screaming for rest..I still push myself to the fullest. I force myself to wake up from bed..get dressed and go to work. When I am in the office I manage to push away the boredom by doing my work..key-in the data, visit schools, coaching people and doing the paper works. On and on..Nevertheless, at home especially before my eyes close each night, I am counting..contemplating..thinking...of retiring..soon.

I woke up each night, and if my eyes refused to continue sleeping, I prayed..and prayed. In my pray, the most important thing I asked from The Al Mighty is to let me be free from loans..let me enjoy my self being an obedient servant..I want to spend more time praying rather than being busy with this world.

So one night after turning here and there and still my eyes could not close, I got up and prayed. I asked Allah..please show me the way..tell me what to to do it..lots of questions. Somehow, I felt I knew what to do. I began to seek information about the status of my call banks..and then I decided one thing. The thing that makes me feel lighter, as if a burden had been lifted up off my shoulder, and I feel happier.

I decided not to wait till the year of my pension. I would be able to manage my loans even if I retire early. 2 years earlier to be exact. pleased me so much because before I had a very unhappy time thinking that I needed to go to work for 6 more years. I decided to go for four more years before I call it a quit. 2022.

That's it. My two children would have finished universities...Aurora standard 6..and at least I would have 2 years to enjoy the old age. I hope. God's Bless.

Till then..

Friday, October 12, 2018


When we have reached certain age our feeling is playing a sensitive game. In my case, I become more perceptive and my mind speaks more than my mouth. In many occasions even in meetings, I keep my mouth shut because I do not see any importance in giving opinion. People I am dealing with know what they are doing so let them be.

However if I have played my part in coaching and mentoring them, I assumed that they would pay me certain respect.  Not that I wanted to be given special treatment but at least do not humiliate me and worse put me in sad situation.

I knew that this headmistress would hold an event where she would present her ideas in a special program. I received a letter asking for my presence in the event. I presumed that it would be no problem since that I came to the school quite often as I was the coach. I quickly finished my coaching with another head and headed for the mosque for Zohor prayer. I drove to the school as to attend the event within 30 minutes. When I reached the hall, all  chairs are tagged with guest names. It was clear that the administer had a specific and limited guests list. I looked for my was none. It was quite embarrassing with me looking around for my chair since that I THOUGHT I was one of the important person for that event because I am the coach. Later I learned I received the invitation letter because they actually invited someone else. Apparently he could not come, so I was only supposed to sit on his chair as a replacement.

I was very sad. I could not sit on that chair and pretend that every thing was all right and keep smiling. This time I followed my heart. I walked out from the hall before the event started even they tried to cajole me to stay. My heart sank, and I felt so humiliated. Was I too sensitive? I did not think so. Such a carefully prepared event..and if I was not wanted in the first place, better I leave. In the car driving home I could stop the tears from spilling my face. I wiped it away all the way home because I did not want my husband notice it.  It was my first bad experience with my new job. I refuse to go again and this time I will take care of my own feeling.

My partner said I was too sensitive and that was just a small matter. However, the same thing happened to him recently. This recent incident was a big blow to him..a MAN he is but still he experience the sadness like I used too..feeling terrible. I did not want to return his words to me before but you know how I felt that day.

Till then..

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

My princess is 8 years old..

My love..

Last Saturday October 6, we celebrated Aurora's birthday. She is 8 years old. How time flies. She has become a young girl..becoming very pretty and smart. How I love her so much...Looking back at the reason I started blogging is because of her. It means that my blog is at the same age. However the difference between the two is massive. One is growing and the later is dying out of neglecting.

I have tried hard to continue writing. I make sure at least there would be an entry a month, still I could not make it. Sometimes I do have free time, but I spent it on sleeping or just reading. Not to say that I do not have ideas. I do..sometimes too much until it wanted to burst in my head. There are to many...too many things that had happened in my life since I moved to this new and I hope the last working place. I simply would say no to any redeployment ahead. I had enough..I refuse to move any where even for any promotion. I was called to fill up the form for promotion..later I would need to go for an interview to fill up any promotion in my department. After the meeting, I chucked away the file and forgot it. I had come to a soft landing..even it takes years more to go.

One thing that makes my mind working extra hour. Infidelity. Thankfully it is not about me. Its about my close friend alias my old colleague. The husband for nearly 26 years has been playing a 'love game' with another lady in the same office. The other lady alias the stupid bump used to be my subordinate in my old office. She is a single mother of 2, still young and the most important factor is she is a swindle. I used to advise her that she should get married since she had many admirers, one of them was a single man. However, single man did not interest her...she preferred married man. The reasons were not known but may be married men are more stable in income, and making wives crazy and suffer is one of her favorite past times.

The painful journey of a wife who has found out that the husband is cheating is unbearable. I had an experience about it and it took me 5 years to accept the fact that  the kind of husband was not worth while and I found out that if you could fell in love, you too could fall out of love. How to? Easy...(it took 5 years to know) yourself more  and love God to the fullest. Allah will ease your pain..and that is true. I am the living proof..I suffered, I cried, I prayed, I moved to be the person I am today. Not 100 percent a success story..but I LIVE. Unfortunately, when this happen to my friend, I could not do more that just lending ears and asking her to be patient. How to force out love that has been embedded deep deep down in a heart of a kindest person I have ever met? How?

Love is a powerful tool for people to move the world and also the most powerful knife that kill the world.

Till then..

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

An ecstatic moment..

I love English language - writing in English and use English when speaking. However, I love Malay songs more than English songs, especially the old Malay songs, even the  1950 's oldies. I was not even born yet during the years but I know quiet a number of the songs and the singers of that time. This love is helped a lot by listening to the radio channel..Radio Klasik. While I was cooking in the kitchen, I always tuned in to this channel and the songs aired helped me to complete my task and at the same time tuned in me into memory lane.

When listening to the songs, my mind would immediately fly to the time when I was growing up in the Felda settlement. The time when the only entertainment you could get is the radio. The songs played by the DJs remind me the happy days..the sad days..the struggle..the pain..and the lost.

I was cooking yesterday for breakfasting, was trying to open up the lid of the oil bottle when I heard through the radio  the announcement of the winner of  a writing competition ADILA. I heard the first name of the winner, and suddenly the DJ mentioned my name next. I was numb and the next second I did not hear anything..just screaming and called my husband telling him..I won..I won. My story would be aired on the fifth Hari Raya..I was so happy and jumped with joy. Finally, it was proven that I have some talent in writing...

The next day, the producer for that segment called me. She was interested with my story and asked me to write more, may be this time writing the drama script. Ohh..I was estatatic..and that was one of the happiest days in my life..

Image result for radio klasik

Till then..Eid Mubarak to every one. May this be the happiest day ever to all my readers.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Making a move..

Life is changing fast..

It has been several months since I moved to this new work space. I had never doubted that life here would be easy. I knew it would be a new challenge for me, of course new people would deliver new new experiences.

So far, my life is not completely changed. The only thing that changes is the different approach in delivering ideas and giving help. Last time, it was a very close knit society with a focus to deliver the best and to expect the best from our clients - students. Now, my clients are the top administrators with focus of digging out the best from them so that they could give the best to their clients - students.

Through that process, of course I expected I would meet many people and would learn the true colors of human being. As been said by Spinoza in The Ethics ..." the submission to passion is human bondage but the exercise of reason is human liberty.." Yeah..many cases of human weaknesses. Sometimes human leaves me in awe..To this age, the 5 series, I should not be too surprised with human acts, attitude, personal attributes etc...but I do get surprises which making me asking I not experiencing enough in life? I have learnt something that is in many cases I am still naive easy to trust people..and I learn a BIGGER thing...that however good you are in anything, ALLAH The Almighty is the best planner.

Hurm...let time pass..lets be older and wiser. Let the six years flies quickly..

Till then...

The Carpenter.. We Only Just Begun You Tube

Tuesday, March 27, 2018


He is not only our pet..our cat..but more like a family member which I trully love. Never we keep a cat before..even I was worried that keeping a cat would trigger my asthma attack but somehow I survive. We feel happy looking at his action running here and there making our house a complete circle of home..a family wit a pet cat..Jacob.


My pet cat..

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Life is..

Life is...
A long track somewhere
which is..
our final destination.

Life is..
A test of patient and diligence
on how strong is
our faith to our Creator.

Life is...
a beautiful canvas
on which we put our talents
to design and to put color
of memories.

Life is..
a house in which
rooms are created
with lights or left dark
to suit or journey
to the afterlife.
The best Nasyid to show love to Prophet Muhammad SAW

Ya Nabi Salamun Alaik  Rabbani

                                                          Courtesy of You Tube

Monday, February 5, 2018

I miss my old times..

                    Courtesy of Youtube

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

When I was small...

                                         First Of May by Bee Gees - Courtesy of You Tube

This recent days, at night when putting her to bed, while she was ready to sleep, Aurora will demand me to tell stories. Tired I will, sometimes too tired to tell anything, but thinking that I want my daughter to sleep peacefully and be happy I told her stories that my mother used to tell us when I was small. Back in 1970's we did not have television nor electrics so our nights after dinner were filled with stories. My mother was an avid reader..she was an educated lady. In fact, if my grandfather was a bit open minded, she could be a teacher in her time. Sadly, parents in yesteryear's thought that girls were just girls, stay at home and be a good wife.

So, my mother used to tell us stories..funny story such as Ayam Togel, scary story such as the Giants and the Pumpkins, religious stories etc. I related the stories to Aurora. She had a good time laughing listening to my stories. Later on after few days, I ran out of stories. No choice so I began to tell her stories when I was small. How I  walked to school about three kilometres without shoes because I wanted to make sure my shoes were clean, how poor we were when there was no electrics and no running water, how we spent time in the river catching fish and small prawns, how my mother came to the river bringing "roti panjang" to chase us home. I told her we ate chickens during Hari Raya only, that my dad had to slaughter the chickens for rendang... she was not happy to hear that we had to kill the chicken for our "lauk"..she asked a lot of questions such as..why didn't we just buy the chicken from the market? I had to explain to her even she could not grasp the idea that to buy a chicken last time, was out of question. I told her story about us keeping 25 cats in the house..that we had named each of the cats. And so on...

Each night my mind wondered back to the old memories. Later, after Aurora dozed off, I continued to lay down next to her counting years that had gone by. How time changes...and I have become so old...

Till then.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Time flies..and make it quick.

I was sitting restlessly on the cold hospital bench waiting for my turn to see the optometrist. Next to me was my husband, who also almost reached the brink of boredom and fatigue. Tired of waiting since early morning till almost 1 o'clock. My eyes were earlier put with some ointment to make the pupils bigger so that the opp would scrutinize closer to see the glaucoma developed in my eyes. True, the opp worked like mad to see all patients with each one of them took almost 25 minutes of consultation. I was given number 23 and to wait for my turn was killing my nerves. Luckily, I insisted that Aurora would not come along. The brother came home to send her to school and later picked her up and fed her lunch.

While waiting, I put my head on his shoulder and thinking. Here we were, after more than 10 years of marriage, I have began my ordeal of hospital appointments. Eight years ago, when I was pregnant with Aurora, it was a different case. At least, the ending of the painful jabs, hospitalized with nausea and morning sickness, was this cute and healthy baby in my arms. This time...I don't know. I started to meet doctor, to follow strict medication intake, to jog every weekends, cautious of my food...and for what? The first perform my task as God's task as an officer and my task as a mom, as a wife and a sibling.

I spoke to my husband. "Bius, I want to finish my loans quickly. I want to retire early. I want to stay at home"... ( ..and  to spend every single minute with you..because I never know until when Allah will lend me time to live). The words in the brackets were only in my mind, because he was not so happy if I started to talk about death. He was so sad to find one stray of gray hair on my head. He did not want to loose me nor I do to loose him. Our love is hardly spoken out but it was more in the inside. After my Dad's gone, I am on the losing side. One by one is gone...

Please, away quickly. Finish this year quickly..and the next and the next. In five years time, I will retire. Allah, help me to be healthy. Lend me time to serve my dear family. Give me an opportunity to visit your home and show your mercy to me.

Till then..