Finally..

     I am no longer the beach that wait for the waves.. Good bye...ZuuATi                           

Today is my last day working..

Yesterday, I completed my task. For the last time I updated my report, cleaned my desk, deleted all files in my desk top except the work files, threw all rubbish and junk.. And today I sat alone in this room. All my friends took leaves. Better still because for the last day, I want to be alone. 

The whole day it was raining.. Sometimes heavy, sometimes drizzle but never really stopped. I did not go home during lunch.. I wanted to spend the day alone and remembering. Remembering the old times when I stepped my feet inside this office. At that time I was an alien.. Even my partner did not say much. I was left alone not knowing what to do. 

However, after  a year everything changed. I had never thought that working here would teach me a very important lesson by experiencing the worst feeling ever. This experience broke my heart.. Changed me all together.. Breaking my principles in life and totally left me stupefied.. And leaving a long lasting confusion.. 

I realize I had underestimated people.. I let people mistreated me.. I misjudged people. I had always had a positive view on people, so when I allowed a person got into my life, the consequences are horrible. I let my guard down and the I paid it dearly... With my heart. 

Then, I spent more than a year to recover... To get back to my feet.. To love my self more.. To forget...It was not easy.. In fact, it was the hardest obstacle ever in my life.. And my last question left unanswered until now.. 

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? 

Now, even not really recovered 100% because I still feel hurt, but I am ready to move on with my next phase of life. 

Allah The Almighty... I had prayed hard. Finally You grant my wish.. That is to retire and move on.. Please guide me.. Forgive me.. Truly I am sinned.. Let me become a better Muslim.. A better person.. 

And when You think that I should leave this world, grant my last wish.. A beautiful closure in death.. 

Thank you Allah. You tested me, I managed to overcome it with Your Love even I had lost my heart.. Now I surrender my self to You.. 

Wut

Here it comes..

 

                          From You Tube

The day before the actual day.. Tomorrow.

I am alone in the room thinking.. Remembering.. And checking my feelings.. I am not sad but this is it.. Tomorrow I will say goodbye..

I had attended many private farewell lunch or tea parties since two weeks ago with so many parting gifts given by my friends and clients.. I really appreciate their efforts.. Thank you so much.

This afternoon, however, those memories coming back.. When I was in this room with him.. When he was about to say good bye too to me.. I cried my heart out that day.. Sad because I would loose a good partner.. A good friend.. A coach..

However, it was not as sad as I am now.. Although I feel relieve to start my retirement days but I am sad of letting him go.. This office is the last memory of him.. So, by leaving this office, I cut the last string.. I am free and by hook or by crook I will have to let go.. Let go the memory and let go the feelings..

So, good bye office, good bye career.. Good bye work life..

Good bye to you..

Thank you for the most bitter and saddest experience.. Truly I learn a lot.. That is broken heart is the worst feeling ever..

Wut

Soon...

 

                             From YouTube

Anduk has started chambering in one of KL firms.. That is one happy news for me. Finally she got an offer which is what she had wanted for so long, so she stopped working in the bank and last week she began her journey working in a law firm. I really prayed for her to strive for the best and by Allah's Grace, in 9 months the chambering will be over and she would apply to The Bar Council to be accepted as a law practioner.  

Almost all my dreams are fulfilled.. And the last one coming soon. I had received many parting gifts and well wishings from many clients in my district. Within these few last weeks, I went around to visit them for the last time to seek forgiveness and to say goodbyes.

I always checked my feeling.. Am I feeling sad.. Am I regretting my decision? Truly, I don't have those feelings. I feel relieved because I stepped down after I have my best helping them. I have no regret and there will be no turning back. I will push foward and proceed with my retirement plans.. There are not much though.. Just enjoy the freedom and get closer to Allah The Great.

I will do what I like.. Writing and be on my own. However the most important thing that I would do is.. 

To let go.. 

Let go the feelings.. 

The sadness... 

The misery... 

The longing... 

The memories.. 

Every things that are connected to him.. 

May Allah bless me always and I am so much in gratitude  to people who had helped get back to my feets all along the way of this journey.. To unloved someone and back to love my self... 

Wut

Birthday in silence..

                           From Youtube

 I forgot the day until somebody wished me Happy Birthday.. The day is happy but not me..

I am in a very deep thought.. Remembering, thinking, subdued and trying very hard to forget, not thinking, try to be happy.. Because deep inside only Allah knows..

Another birthday is gone..

When will I be free?

Wut

I am going..

 

                                                            

                                                                    From Youtube  

Last week I talked to my boss. I asked him a direct question. Who would be taking my position as the head of our post? Simply he told me who. As expected. So next I told him that it would be good if that person starts to be leader, and release me. Its high time for somebody to take charge and I am ready to go from this office. He agreed. I am almost free now.

This last few months, I wake up every day counting. However, sometimes I had this thought that what would I do if after retirement I feel bored and lost my direction? Would I regret my decision to retire early? Would I still be busy and be active? Will I be happy?

To the questions above, I let them to be in Allah provision. HE decides what would happen to me and HE decides what is the best for me. I surrender my self to HIM and I truly believe HE is always there to help me in any way possible.

As for my kids, Am is settling down living in the cold climate country. His leg hurts again after a lot of walking here and there. In order not to giving stress to his legs, he bought a bicycle.. and a rice cooker because rice there is quite expensive. He started class already and began to do assignments. 

Anduk, she is enjoying her work in the bank and has no problem commuting by LRT back and from office every day. She has no problem renting a room even it is small but  comfortable.

And me... 

Looking forward to the day... when every thing stop and cut. And I will proceed to my next chapter of life. 

Bye.

Wut

Am has flown away..

 

                    Bye Mommy.. 😭

Finally, after months of preparation of visa, the officials of the university, the accommodation there (they are really professional and helping) the heartache dealings with the sponsorships ( it is a shame.. Far from being professional) .. Am had actually flew from KLIA last night together with 3 friends to Amsterdam. After touching down at Schiphol Airport, they will take an hour trip train to IHE Delf. They will be quarantined for at least 5 days and on the 21 October they will have the first class. 

Anakku Am.. 

I am proud of you, not to say I am not proud of Anduk ( she has started working in KL.. very independent girl she is).. And I am sad..because he has gone far away from me..too far to visit him frequently.. 

Study hard there and take a good care of your self.. Remember your task as a Muslim, as a student and as our son.. 

We are missing you and we love you so much. 

Wut

Counting..

 

I am counting the days..

Now, alone in the room..my friends are either taking leave or working in the other office. The separation of these two districts is final. One of my friends had received a letter officially appointing her to move back to Muallim. The office is very close to her house and I am glad she does not have to travel far every day. May be through this she can give her focus on her task since that distance will not be an issue any more. 

Another friend is hoping to get transferred there too as promised by the head. However, due to last minute thought  by the head, he did not get what he wishes for. This creates tension and uneasiness for both parties. The other friend stays here as this is his home town.

And me...?

I just look... like an old book in the shelf. Mine is over soon. Not that long to go until I will be taken off from the shelf  or rather me my self surrender to be moved to the unwanted trays of books. I will gladly call it a day because I can't wait to be an outsider to this office.

I could see that things are slowly settle down by it self. Those who went all the way to get promoted to the posts they like, may get what they want. Those who are making it a target to stay in power, may be will stay in power. Some wanting more power, but could note get it, get frustrated .. but keep on trying and tying pushing, lobbying, any body...so obvious until it became pathetically sad. I still could not fathom of why they are doing so...because the more power you have, the more responsibilities will come with it..It scares me..and that's why higher post is not in my agenda. I rather withdraw far from it.

Sorry my ex-boss..your wish will not come true. 

And soon, I will be free. And I cut all the string, especially with you.

Wut

Buzy.. But still sad.

 I have got tons of things to do.. Filling in forms.. Hundred of pages to read.. To put my signature on.. Many places to go.. And a lot of money to spend..Oh Allah The Almighty.. Please help me.. Ease my burdens..and make things easy for me and all..

However, when I am alone or at night before closing my eyes, I will remember..

Sadness.. I wonder when will it go away  from  my heart.. The pain, the hurt still burning inside.

Sometimes too much and still making me cry..

If only there would be a way to stop the misery, I would have taken it.. 

Please Allah.. I have enough.. I beg You..let it be gone from my mind, my heart.. 

😭 Wut. 

Time is running..

 I am counting the days.. Less than 100 days to go..

But then, the more I count the days, the less others seem to notice that I will be gone..soon

I keep getting more tasks.. more projects..more things to think about.. more responsibilities.. more heartache..

Sometimes I want to scream.. Please give me a break.. I cant take too many things at a time.. I am an old lady.. My mind of course can think but my body is tired.. I just want to let go.. The head needs to realise that I will not stay longer.. I need to be free.. Free of the last string that binds me to this office.. The place that reminds me of him.. The pain.. The suffering..

Please.. Let me go.. 

Wut.. 😭

Terkenang..

 Wut

The new day of the new year..

 I would like to thank Allah for giving me time, opportunity to set my feet in this new year.. Even though last year was a sad year for me with most of the time I felt really down, frustrated and broken hearted, somehow I managed to go through the days until now..

I would never forget the sad event but as my son Am told me.. Why should you forget? It would be futile.. You will waste your energy.. Yes, its true. Am said, just let the time passed by until the sad event was covered by many other events.. Some important, some not.. But all those events and stories would somehow make the pain less importance..less hurting..and may be, my heart will be not so much vulnerable towards him..I cried listening to his advice.. 

Now after a year, it was proven that Am was right.. 

My son, I adore you.. You will forever be my sun.. My saviour.. 

Till then.. 

Wut

The leaves are falling..

 

Few nights ago, I was at the weakest time of my life. I had vomited non stop for 2 weeks and I had no energy left in my body. I had been warded but when I came home, it all started again.

I prayed hard. 

Allah The Almighty, if You want to take me now, it will be not a second late and not a second early. But please let me finish my mission that is to pay all my loans and then to see my family taken care of financially. To see Am flying off to Netherlands to further his Master degree this September, to see Ayuni doing her chambering in court and to see my husband and Aurora survive with my pension. 

I don't mind joining my mom even though I am truly, truly scared to meet YOU. I am not a very diligent Muslim but I am spending the last two years to be close to YOU. Please forgive me Allah for all along the way to find you I had been sidetracked for a while. 

I slept and today I am feeling better. 

I realised one thing.. I am not just physically ill but my soul is in pain.. So much so until I come to point of no return. 

Allah chose I don't die that night but who can tell.. My leaves are dropping.. Fast. 

This song above is telling my stories.. 

Wut. 

The Cut..

 

Soon, a few months to go..

I will make the final cut..that is letting go of every thing..letting you go.

And you will have to let me go..I have had enough.

Dot.

Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
'Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku

Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupmu
Yang t'lah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah…

Wuthering Height.

It's a dream.. In a dream

 From YouTube..

Yes.. I had a dream.. Still dreaming.. 

Inside..

 

                                                

                                       And I hate the memories..I wish to forget all

First time ever..

I am on the final step of producing my book.. A collection of journals written by my clients. I have spent hundred of hours editing, making corrections, discussing with my fellow editors, contacting The National Library to get the ISBN numbers, dealing with the printing company..with numbers of Google Meet meetings with the graphic designer.. Discussing the front cover etc.. Whoahh.. a big task for a simple book.

And finally, I gave the green light this afternoon to the printing company to go ahead with the last step.. The printing of the book itself.. 

I have enough stress, and I need to move on.. 

Till then.. 

The final...

                                    From the YouTube.. 

 I have no new wish for the new year.. I am just glad that the days had passed faster that I had hoped.. Allah is helping me to fill up my days with activities and my nights are spent on reciting Quran..reading..and sleep. Till I wake up early praying..cooking and prepare to go to work. 

True, I am sad.. Still sad, still cry but I know Allah is listening and my wound is healed slowly.. I mean I do cry but not  that much and I can stand up straight and move.. Every time the memory comes, I let my mind wonder but I quickly tell my self.. You cannot control people.. So don't let people control you.. You are the master of your heart but  Allah owns all the hearts of His servants.. Let Him decide anything.. Let's the wound bleed until all the blood dried up..by the time that passed, one day you will be healed.. 

Let the time rolled on.. And in 11 months I will be free and I will cut all the strings that attach me to this painful memories..