Sunday, November 14, 2021

Birthday in silence..

                           From Youtube

 I forgot the day until somebody wished me Happy Birthday.. The day is happy but not me..

I am in a very deep thought.. Remembering, thinking, subdued and trying very hard to forget, not thinking, try to be happy.. Because deep inside only Allah knows..

Another birthday is gone..

When will I be free?


Friday, October 29, 2021

I am going..



                                                                    From Youtube  

Last week I talked to my boss. I asked him a direct question. Who would be taking my position as the head of our post? Simply he told me who. As expected. So next I told him that it would be good if that person starts to be leader, and release me. Its high time for somebody to take charge and I am ready to go from this office. He agreed. I am almost free now.

This last few months, I wake up every day counting. However, sometimes I had this thought that what would I do if after retirement I feel bored and lost my direction? Would I regret my decision to retire early? Would I still be busy and be active? Will I be happy?

To the questions above, I let them to be in Allah provision. HE decides what would happen to me and HE decides what is the best for me. I surrender my self to HIM and I truly believe HE is always there to help me in any way possible.

As for my kids, Am is settling down living in the cold climate country. His leg hurts again after a lot of walking here and there. In order not to giving stress to his legs, he bought a bicycle.. and a rice cooker because rice there is quite expensive. He started class already and began to do assignments. 

Anduk, she is enjoying her work in the bank and has no problem commuting by LRT back and from office every day. She has no problem renting a room even it is small but  comfortable.

And me... 

Looking forward to the day... when every thing stop and cut. And I will proceed to my next chapter of life. 



Wednesday, October 13, 2021

Am has flown away..


                    Bye Mommy.. 😭

Finally, after months of preparation of visa, the officials of the university, the accommodation there (they are really professional and helping) the heartache dealings with the sponsorships ( it is a shame.. Far from being professional) .. Am had actually flew from KLIA last night together with 3 friends to Amsterdam. After touching down at Schiphol Airport, they will take an hour trip train to IHE Delf. They will be quarantined for at least 5 days and on the 21 October they will have the first class. 

Anakku Am.. 

I am proud of you, not to say I am not proud of Anduk ( she has started working in KL.. very independent girl she is).. And I am sad..because he has gone far away from me..too far to visit him frequently.. 

Study hard there and take a good care of your self.. Remember your task as a Muslim, as a student and as our son.. 

We are missing you and we love you so much. 


Wednesday, September 29, 2021



I am counting the days..

Now, alone in the friends are either taking leave or working in the other office. The separation of these two districts is final. One of my friends had received a letter officially appointing her to move back to Muallim. The office is very close to her house and I am glad she does not have to travel far every day. May be through this she can give her focus on her task since that distance will not be an issue any more. 

Another friend is hoping to get transferred there too as promised by the head. However, due to last minute thought  by the head, he did not get what he wishes for. This creates tension and uneasiness for both parties. The other friend stays here as this is his home town.

And me...?

I just look... like an old book in the shelf. Mine is over soon. Not that long to go until I will be taken off from the shelf  or rather me my self surrender to be moved to the unwanted trays of books. I will gladly call it a day because I can't wait to be an outsider to this office.

I could see that things are slowly settle down by it self. Those who went all the way to get promoted to the posts they like, may get what they want. Those who are making it a target to stay in power, may be will stay in power. Some wanting more power, but could note get it, get frustrated .. but keep on trying and tying pushing, lobbying, any obvious until it became pathetically sad. I still could not fathom of why they are doing so...because the more power you have, the more responsibilities will come with it..It scares me..and that's why higher post is not in my agenda. I rather withdraw far from it.

Sorry my ex-boss..your wish will not come true. 

And soon, I will be free. And I cut all the string, especially with you.


Sunday, September 12, 2021

Buzy.. But still sad.

 I have got tons of things to do.. Filling in forms.. Hundred of pages to read.. To put my signature on.. Many places to go.. And a lot of money to spend..Oh Allah The Almighty.. Please help me.. Ease my burdens..and make things easy for me and all..

However, when I am alone or at night before closing my eyes, I will remember..

Sadness.. I wonder when will it go away  from  my heart.. The pain, the hurt still burning inside.

Sometimes too much and still making me cry..

If only there would be a way to stop the misery, I would have taken it.. 

Please Allah.. I have enough.. I beg You..let it be gone from my mind, my heart.. 

😭 Wut. 

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Time is running..

 I am counting the days.. Less than 100 days to go..

But then, the more I count the days, the less others seem to notice that I will be gone..soon

I keep getting more tasks.. more projects..more things to think about.. more responsibilities.. more heartache..

Sometimes I want to scream.. Please give me a break.. I cant take too many things at a time.. I am an old lady.. My mind of course can think but my body is tired.. I just want to let go.. The head needs to realise that I will not stay longer.. I need to be free.. Free of the last string that binds me to this office.. The place that reminds me of him.. The pain.. The suffering..

Please.. Let me go.. 

Wut.. 😭

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

The new day of the new year..

 I would like to thank Allah for giving me time, opportunity to set my feet in this new year.. Even though last year was a sad year for me with most of the time I felt really down, frustrated and broken hearted, somehow I managed to go through the days until now..

I would never forget the sad event but as my son Am told me.. Why should you forget? It would be futile.. You will waste your energy.. Yes, its true. Am said, just let the time passed by until the sad event was covered by many other events.. Some important, some not.. But all those events and stories would somehow make the pain less importance..less hurting..and may be, my heart will be not so much vulnerable towards him..I cried listening to his advice.. 

Now after a year, it was proven that Am was right.. 

My son, I adore you.. You will forever be my sun.. My saviour.. 

Till then.. 


Saturday, July 17, 2021

The leaves are falling..


Few nights ago, I was at the weakest time of my life. I had vomited non stop for 2 weeks and I had no energy left in my body. I had been warded but when I came home, it all started again.

I prayed hard. 

Allah The Almighty, if You want to take me now, it will be not a second late and not a second early. But please let me finish my mission that is to pay all my loans and then to see my family taken care of financially. To see Am flying off to Netherlands to further his Master degree this September, to see Ayuni doing her chambering in court and to see my husband and Aurora survive with my pension. 

I don't mind joining my mom even though I am truly, truly scared to meet YOU. I am not a very diligent Muslim but I am spending the last two years to be close to YOU. Please forgive me Allah for all along the way to find you I had been sidetracked for a while. 

I slept and today I am feeling better. 

I realised one thing.. I am not just physically ill but my soul is in pain.. So much so until I come to point of no return. 

Allah chose I don't die that night but who can tell.. My leaves are dropping.. Fast. 

This song above is telling my stories.. 


Friday, May 7, 2021

The Cut..


Soon, a few months to go..

I will make the final cut..that is letting go of every thing..letting you go.

And you will have to let me go..I have had enough.


Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
'Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku

Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupmu
Yang t'lah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah

Wuthering Height.

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Wednesday, February 10, 2021




                                       And I hate the memories..I wish to forget all

Thursday, February 4, 2021

First time ever..

I am on the final step of producing my book.. A collection of journals written by my clients. I have spent hundred of hours editing, making corrections, discussing with my fellow editors, contacting The National Library to get the ISBN numbers, dealing with the printing company..with numbers of Google Meet meetings with the graphic designer.. Discussing the front cover etc.. Whoahh.. a big task for a simple book.

And finally, I gave the green light this afternoon to the printing company to go ahead with the last step.. The printing of the book itself.. 

I have enough stress, and I need to move on.. 

Till then.. 

Thursday, January 7, 2021

The final...

                                    From the YouTube.. 

 I have no new wish for the new year.. I am just glad that the days had passed faster that I had hoped.. Allah is helping me to fill up my days with activities and my nights are spent on reciting Quran..reading..and sleep. Till I wake up early and prepare to go to work. 

True, I am sad.. Still sad, still cry but I know Allah is listening and my wound is healed slowly.. I mean I do cry but not  that much and I can stand up straight and move.. Every time the memory comes, I let my mind wonder but I quickly tell my self.. You cannot control people.. So don't let people control you.. You are the master of your heart but  Allah owns all the hearts of His servants.. Let Him decide anything.. Let's the wound bleed until all the blood dried the time that passed, one day you will be healed.. 

Let the time rolled on.. And in 11 months I will be free and I will cut all the strings that attach me to this painful memories..