Friday, October 12, 2018


When we have reached certain age our feeling is playing a sensitive game. In my case, I become more perceptive and my mind speaks more than my mouth. In many occasions even in meetings, I keep my mouth shut because I do not see any importance in giving opinion. People I am dealing with know what they are doing so let them be.

However if I have played my part in coaching and mentoring them, I assumed that they would pay me certain respect.  Not that I wanted to be given special treatment but at least do not humiliate me and worse put me in sad situation.

I knew that this headmistress would hold an event where she would present her ideas in a special program. I received a letter asking for my presence in the event. I presumed that it would be no problem since that I came to the school quite often as I was the coach. I quickly finished my coaching with another head and headed for the mosque for Zohor prayer. I drove to the school as to attend the event within 30 minutes. When I reached the hall, all  chairs are tagged with guest names. It was clear that the administer had a specific and limited guests list. I looked for my was none. It was quite embarrassing with me looking around for my chair since that I THOUGHT I was one of the important person for that event because I am the coach. Later I learned I received the invitation letter because they actually invited someone else. Apparently he could not come, so I was only supposed to sit on his chair as a replacement.

I was very sad. I could not sit on that chair and pretend that every thing was all right and keep smiling. This time I followed my heart. I walked out from the hall before the event started even they tried to cajole me to stay. My heart sank, and I felt so humiliated. Was I too sensitive? I did not think so. Such a carefully prepared event..and if I was not wanted in the first place, better I leave. In the car driving home I could stop the tears from spilling my face. I wiped it away all the way home because I did not want my husband notice it.  It was my first bad experience with my new job. I refuse to go again and this time I will take care of my own feeling.

My partner said I was too sensitive and that was just a small matter. However, the same thing happened to him recently. This recent incident was a big blow to him..a MAN he is but still he experience the sadness like I used too..feeling terrible. I did not want to return his words to me before but you know how I felt that day.

Till then..

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

My princess is 8 years old..

My love..

Last Saturday October 6, we celebrated Aurora's birthday. She is 8 years old. How time flies. She has become a young girl..becoming very pretty and smart. How I love her so much...Looking back at the reason I started blogging is because of her. It means that my blog is at the same age. However the difference between the two is massive. One is growing and the later is dying out of neglecting.

I have tried hard to continue writing. I make sure at least there would be an entry a month, still I could not make it. Sometimes I do have free time, but I spent it on sleeping or just reading. Not to say that I do not have ideas. I do..sometimes too much until it wanted to burst in my head. There are to many...too many things that had happened in my life since I moved to this new and I hope the last working place. I simply would say no to any redeployment ahead. I had enough..I refuse to move any where even for any promotion. I was called to fill up the form for promotion..later I would need to go for an interview to fill up any promotion in my department. After the meeting, I chucked away the file and forgot it. I had come to a soft landing..even it takes years more to go.

One thing that makes my mind working extra hour. Infidelity. Thankfully it is not about me. Its about my close friend alias my old colleague. The husband for nearly 26 years has been playing a 'love game' with another lady in the same office. The other lady alias the stupid bump used to be my subordinate in my old office. She is a single mother of 2, still young and the most important factor is she is a swindle. I used to advise her that she should get married since she had many admirers, one of them was a single man. However, single man did not interest her...she preferred married man. The reasons were not known but may be married men are more stable in income, and making wives crazy and suffer is one of her favorite past times.

The painful journey of a wife who has found out that the husband is cheating is unbearable. I had an experience about it and it took me 5 years to accept the fact that  the kind of husband was not worth while and I found out that if you could fell in love, you too could fall out of love. How to? Easy...(it took 5 years to know) yourself more  and love God to the fullest. Allah will ease your pain..and that is true. I am the living proof..I suffered, I cried, I prayed, I moved to be the person I am today. Not 100 percent a success story..but I LIVE. Unfortunately, when this happen to my friend, I could not do more that just lending ears and asking her to be patient. How to force out love that has been embedded deep deep down in a heart of a kindest person I have ever met? How?

Love is a powerful tool for people to move the world and also the most powerful knife that kill the world.

Till then..