Wednesday, January 17, 2018

When I was small...

                                         First Of May by Bee Gees - Courtesy of You Tube

This recent days, at night when putting her to bed, while she was ready to sleep, Aurora will demand me to tell stories. Tired I will, sometimes too tired to tell anything, but thinking that I want my daughter to sleep peacefully and be happy I told her stories that my mother used to tell us when I was small. Back in 1970's we did not have television nor electrics so our nights after dinner were filled with stories. My mother was an avid reader..she was an educated lady. In fact, if my grandfather was a bit open minded, she could be a teacher in her time. Sadly, parents in yesteryear's thought that girls were just girls, stay at home and be a good wife.

So, my mother used to tell us stories..funny story such as Ayam Togel, scary story such as the Giants and the Pumpkins, religious stories etc. I related the stories to Aurora. She had a good time laughing listening to my stories. Later on after few days, I ran out of stories. No choice so I began to tell her stories when I was small. How I  walked to school about three kilometres without shoes because I wanted to make sure my shoes were clean, how poor we were when there was no electrics and no running water, how we spent time in the river catching fish and small prawns, how my mother came to the river bringing "roti panjang" to chase us home. I told her we ate chickens during Hari Raya only, that my dad had to slaughter the chickens for rendang... she was not happy to hear that we had to kill the chicken for our "lauk"..she asked a lot of questions such as..why didn't we just buy the chicken from the market? I had to explain to her even she could not grasp the idea that to buy a chicken last time, was out of question. I told her story about us keeping 25 cats in the house..that we had named each of the cats. And so on...

Each night my mind wondered back to the old memories. Later, after Aurora dozed off, I continued to lay down next to her counting years that had gone by. How time changes...and I have become so old...

Till then.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Time flies..and make it quick.

I was sitting restlessly on the cold hospital bench waiting for my turn to see the optometrist. Next to me was my husband, who also almost reached the brink of boredom and fatigue. Tired of waiting since early morning till almost 1 o'clock. My eyes were earlier put with some ointment to make the pupils bigger so that the opp would scrutinize closer to see the glaucoma developed in my eyes. True, the opp worked like mad to see all patients with each one of them took almost 25 minutes of consultation. I was given number 23 and to wait for my turn was killing my nerves. Luckily, I insisted that Aurora would not come along. The brother came home to send her to school and later picked her up and fed her lunch.

While waiting, I put my head on his shoulder and thinking. Here we were, after more than 10 years of marriage, I have began my ordeal of hospital appointments. Eight years ago, when I was pregnant with Aurora, it was a different case. At least, the ending of the painful jabs, hospitalized with nausea and morning sickness, was this cute and healthy baby in my arms. This time...I don't know. I started to meet doctor, to follow strict medication intake, to jog every weekends, cautious of my food...and for what? The first perform my task as God's task as an officer and my task as a mom, as a wife and a sibling.

I spoke to my husband. "Bius, I want to finish my loans quickly. I want to retire early. I want to stay at home"... ( ..and  to spend every single minute with you..because I never know until when Allah will lend me time to live). The words in the brackets were only in my mind, because he was not so happy if I started to talk about death. He was so sad to find one stray of gray hair on my head. He did not want to loose me nor I do to loose him. Our love is hardly spoken out but it was more in the inside. After my Dad's gone, I am on the losing side. One by one is gone...

Please, away quickly. Finish this year quickly..and the next and the next. In five years time, I will retire. Allah, help me to be healthy. Lend me time to serve my dear family. Give me an opportunity to visit your home and show your mercy to me.

Till then..