Monday, August 24, 2020



My sister was a few years older than me..We could have been closed but she had matured and had taken the responsibilities of being the first child of the house long before I understood anything. She joined my mother working in the oil palm plantation and stopped schooling when she was in Standard 5. Few teachers came to our house in the Felda settlement asking my father to reconsider the decision. My father was adamant since he had no choice. Both of my parents needed to work so there must be someone to stop schooling and taken care of her young siblings at home. My sister was the victim. 

I could clearly remember the old days very well. Yong was very good at studies..she was an excellent student especially in drawing. She could draw very well using her left hand. Yes, she was left handed and using her left  hand in doing everything except eating. 

She managed us well even she was a very young girl at that time. She cooked well too. She could make the best beef rendang and peanut sauce, better than my mom. She even had a small business in selling breakfast in the morning but had to stop because of bad competitors.

She was asked to marry a person she did not love who later did many bad things to her and at last abandoned her with 3 kids..all girls. My father regretted his decision to marry her off but the harm was done. 

She survived alone. I visited her many times and many times I asked her to stay with me. She refused and continued working as sales person in various supermarkets. Once I looked for her at The Pacific Supermarket in Butterworth..She cried when she saw me. I cried when I saw her..such a emotional situation looking at your sibling working very hard with a small pay and a lot of hardships.

One thing I had not managed to help her out..that is getting her a house of her own. I tried to ask for PPRT house for her but since I had nobody to help me with my application, the effort was fruitless..until she passed away.

On the 14.4.2014..I was in my office when I got the news. Few days before that I had an urge..something in my heart telling me..go and visit Yong..I did not listen to my instinct.I regretted my decision later  and when I was driving home after that, I could not drive. My tears was running down my cheeks until my vision was blurred. Yong passed away in her sleep. She was just 52 years old.

Yong..I wish you are around so I could take care of you better. Like mother, you had gone too early and too soon. Nothing could express my sorrow when you are gone joining mom and  before I could make you happy. May be Allah took you early so you did not have to suffer anymore.

I came to visit your resting place..and I will never forget you..not even once in my entire life. Rest well day I will follow you and we will be together again..

Al Fatihah.. Zanariyah bt Ahmad


Tuesday, August 18, 2020

I am in pain..

 When I chose to get back, I had a spare thought that this time try not get overwhelmed or overdoing things. But being me..the person with abundance of love and cares will not stop by giving just a tiny bit of attention and love..Instead, I gave all..I never hold back my feelings. That human is the person I love with all my heart..not just a mere acquaintance I meet every day.

Then yesterday, it all backfired to me. I get burned. However this time, I was the one who pulled the full stop. It was so hard and so painful. However, I could not stand it any more being second or third every time. I had experience this the last time but now I told myself that this sacrifice is a MUST. I have to take care of my feelings..and his. Rather than putting two persons in the sad situation and making him uneasy with my wanting his attention and he could not respond to my needs, then it is better that I go.

I am sad. I cry. I could not do things. I could not eat. My BP raised up until I could sleep the whole night.

What kind of suffering this time? 

And how long should I take this time to get my self healed?

" La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimin"

 There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers.

Till then..and I do not know when..

Sunday, August 9, 2020

MCO was uplifted..

MCO was over except in certain places when the new cases started in Perlis. I wonder when will this pandemic be gone for good..

As to my life, as the MCO was lifted..I received a message which I had never thought would come.. After a year.. I cried when I saw it the first time.. I did not believe it was from the person whom I have missed so much..

I had a mixed reply or not to reply. I thought after so long, the wound in my heart had healed but it was far from the reality.. I still cry because of the heart break..

I let it unanswered for 6 days.. All along the time, I was thinking..remembering..and finally I answered.. I did not plan my answer.. I just followed my heart. Whatever feelings I felt at that moment, that was the answer..

And I prayed.. Please..once was enough. I had my full year of pain.. Let me be happy even for a while before I die..

Till then..