Sunday, July 17, 2022

I can't sleep..

I am worried about something.. Tossing and turning still could not sleep..

I know I could do nothing except praying that the problem will be solved. I know everything depends on Allah Grace.. 

More than a month ago we visited Am in Netherlands. He was fine and was free all the time we were there. It was very lucky for us since he had been our tour guide during our stay there. He bought our train tickets using his card, so we moved around easily.

Netherlands is very clean.. The air is crisp and cold.. No pollution what so ever.. Clean and well kept. It was summer but the climate was around 10 to 12 degree. I was freezing and always wore three layers of clothes.

We went from top, the city Alkmaar, where our rented house was located, to the south city like Den Hague and Rotterdam. We also went to Brussels, Belgium for one day trip. 

We stayed one night in Am's room in Delft, walked around Amsterdam and had boat trips. It was nice but I missed Malaysia. I missed surau everywhere in my country where I could stop any time to pray.. I missed our food too.. 

I will continue my experience there in next entry.. 

                      Boat trip.. Amsterdam 


                   Flower Garden in Brussels

                      Night sun.. 9 pm

                  Water everywhere.. Delft

                          In front of Am's uni


Till then... 


Saturday, May 28, 2022

A trip..

I have been going 
around the country since I retired. However this coming trip will be the first going overseas.

We are flying to Netherlands within this   few days to visit Am..after almost a year not seeing him. I really miss him even we are texting each other every day and have a video call at least once a week.

Anduk can't go together and I am sad she will miss this trip. Of course she could not take 8 days off from her firm and she is desperately wants to finish her chambering soon. She cannot afford to have a delay as she targeted to end this chambering in August.

Anduk is turning 25 this June 4, and we will miss her birthday. However, I bought her a present and we had a short trip to Malacca, Muar and Mount Ophir last week. I could see she was happy and content.

So Netherlands, here we come..


Saturday, May 14, 2022

I am free..

Nearly 6 months I have been free..

I did not feel I am missing my job.. Nor missing the office..

I am enjoying my freedom to the fullest.. Nothing to talk about  to my  co workers.. No gossiping.. No hastle of driving here and there.. And the best thing is.. No boss ordering me around..

I spent most of my time on my own.. Wake up early.. No rushing to prepare to go to work.. I take my time praying.. Reciting Quran.. Eating and driving around Tapah with my husband.. And sleeping.. 

Finally.. I cut the string! 

Thank You Allah.. 


Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Happy Birthday.. Am

Eventhough Am would have never read my blog but to note down my birthday wishes to him here..

Happy Birthday dear son.. We love you and we miss you so much.. 

May Allah bestow upon you health, happiness and this world and after life.. 

Thank your for healing me.. Taking care of me.. Making me a proud mom.. 

We will wait for you to come back.. 


Friday, December 17, 2021


     I am no longer the beach that wait for the waves.. Good bye...ZuuATi                           

Today is my last day working..

Yesterday, I completed my task. For the last time I updated my report, cleaned my desk, deleted all files in my desk top except the work files, threw all rubbish and junk.. And today I sat alone in this room. All my friends took leaves. Better still because for the last day, I want to be alone. 

The whole day it was raining.. Sometimes heavy, sometimes drizzle but never really stopped. I did not go home during lunch.. I wanted to spend the day alone and remembering. Remembering the old times when I stepped my feet inside this office. At that time I was an alien.. Even my partner did not say much. I was left alone not knowing what to do. 

However, after  a year everything changed. I had never thought that working here would teach me a very important lesson by experiencing the worst feeling ever. This experience broke my heart.. Changed me all together.. Breaking my principles in life and totally left me stupefied.. And leaving a long lasting confusion.. 

I realize I had underestimated people.. I let people mistreated me.. I misjudged people. I had always had a positive view on people, so when I allowed a person got into my life, the consequences are horrible. I let my guard down and the I paid it dearly... With my heart. 

Then, I spent more than a year to recover... To get back to my feet.. To love my self more.. To forget...It was not easy.. In fact, it was the hardest obstacle ever in my life.. And my last question left unanswered until now.. 


Now, even not really recovered 100% because I still feel hurt, but I am ready to move on with my next phase of life. 

Allah The Almighty... I had prayed hard. Finally You grant my wish.. That is to retire and move on.. Please guide me.. Forgive me.. Truly I am sinned.. Let me become a better Muslim.. A better person.. 

And when You think that I should leave this world, grant my last wish.. A beautiful closure in death.. 

Thank you Allah. You tested me, I managed to overcome it with Your Love even I had lost my heart.. Now I surrender my self to You.. 


Thursday, December 16, 2021

Here it comes..


                          From You Tube

The day before the actual day.. Tomorrow.

I am alone in the room thinking.. Remembering.. And checking my feelings.. I am not sad but this is it.. Tomorrow I will say goodbye..

I had attended many private farewell lunch or tea parties since two weeks ago with so many parting gifts given by my friends and clients.. I really appreciate their efforts.. Thank you so much.

This afternoon, however, those memories coming back.. When I was in this room with him.. When he was about to say good bye too to me.. I cried my heart out that day.. Sad because I would loose a good partner.. A good friend.. A coach..

However, it was not as sad as I am now.. Although I feel relieve to start my retirement days but I am sad of letting him go.. This office is the last memory of him.. So, by leaving this office, I cut the last string.. I am free and by hook or by crook I will have to let go.. Let go the memory and let go the feelings..

So, good bye office, good bye career.. Good bye work life..

Good bye to you..

Thank you for the most bitter and saddest experience.. Truly I learn a lot.. That is broken heart is the worst feeling ever..


Thursday, December 2, 2021



                             From YouTube

Anduk has started chambering in one of KL firms.. That is one happy news for me. Finally she got an offer which is what she had wanted for so long, so she stopped working in the bank and last week she began her journey working in a law firm. I really prayed for her to strive for the best and by Allah's Grace, in 9 months the chambering will be over and she would apply to The Bar Council to be accepted as a law practioner.  

Almost all my dreams are fulfilled.. And the last one coming soon. I had received many parting gifts and well wishings from many clients in my district. Within these few last weeks, I went around to visit them for the last time to seek forgiveness and to say goodbyes.

I always checked my feeling.. Am I feeling sad.. Am I regretting my decision? Truly, I don't have those feelings. I feel relieved because I stepped down after I have my best helping them. I have no regret and there will be no turning back. I will push foward and proceed with my retirement plans.. There are not much though.. Just enjoy the freedom and get closer to Allah The Great.

I will do what I like.. Writing and be on my own. However the most important thing that I would do is.. 

To let go.. 

Let go the feelings.. 

The sadness... 

The misery... 

The longing... 

The memories.. 

Every things that are connected to him.. 

May Allah bless me always and I am so much in gratitude  to people who had helped get back to my feets all along the way of this journey.. To unloved someone and back to love my self...