The must and the hardest..

Dear...

I spent many days crying..praying..and decided..this is it..
I took the ride..as to finalise my decision..

Goodbye...

Lamenting..

                                                                    Into the oblivion 


He is gone into the silence mode ..again. The third time..may be a longer silence this time. I am tired of this childish act. Please let me out.

Many time I wondered, what has happened to me? Why am I feeling like this? Is this some kind of test?

Allah..help me..

The missing two months..June and July..

Those two months passed with so many stories..some happy, some new and exciting and many....many sad moments.

As to recap..here are some musics and songs all along the two months journey...

                                          Hijab Kekasih  (M.Nasir)         Courtesy You Tube

Godaan Rindu (Rafeah Buang) Courtesy You Tube

                                            Pengorbanan (Sharifah Aini ) Courtesy You Tube

                                        Cinta luar biasa (Andmesh) Coutesy You Tube

                                          Mengapa ( Rafeah Buang ) Courtesy You Tube

Aircond..

Since after Eid my room air condition unit does not work. I talked to many personels in this office about this matter..still to no avail. During Friday morning meeting I spoke..for many Fridays..still did not work. They talked about money..no allocation..not enough money..whatsoever..still no improvement. I do not care, whatever money, excuses about stupid SOPs...I JUST WANT THE BASIC facility..air condition..because I can not work here. Even the clerk can not do work when there is no air condition, what more about me? I am one of the officer who hold the highest position in this office, and they dare to ignore my need. Stupid lot!

So, just this morning I told the boss directly in the meeting..the third time in 3 months. I am angry and I want action. Don't give me promises and stupid crap about money and all. I do't care and I do not want to know.

Since that Friday, I did not come in my office. After I clocked in, I went straight to my car and drove off to the next office. Together with my friend I ventured to all schools..still doing my work but never set foot again to the office. I could not do work..my mind was disturbed..my heart was hurt. I know I am no body here, but at least give me the same right that is to have a comfortable place to work.

And now, after 2 weeks complaining and created a heady scene that Friday, finally I am sitting inside my room with cooler air condition. Thank God.

Turbulance..

This is a flight of my life..
I know it will not be smooth since I am holding a variety of posts..the Captain..the stewardess..the mechanic..the traffic controller..even the boarding pass or ticket officers. I am.

For my entire life, never ever I am facing the strongest and most crucial turbulence before...like now. A different one..For many years I am an avid reader in  a group dealing with marital affairs..conflicts..For many times also, I did ask my self why do I like to read all this craps..I am not going to experience them, so why and why should I  I like to read them?

Actually the reading habit is actually preparing me for this..

Of all my knowledge and experience, this really knocks me down into the drain..

O God The Almighty, please help me to get this over. I am helpless without your help. I need you help because now I am suffering ..

.......................................

Blest, who can unconcernedly find 

   Hours, days, and years slide soft away, 

In health of body, peace of mind, 

                            Quiet by day, 

Sound sleep by night; study and ease, 

   Together mixed; sweet recreation; 

And innocence, which most does please, 

                            With meditation. 

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown; 

   Thus unlamented let me die; 

Steal from the world, and not a stone 

                            Tell where I lie.

From: -

Ode on Solitude

BY ALEXANDER POPE

Courtesy of You Tube

I have started crying..

Finally, after months of dreading and not looking forward to the day, here it comes. The day I say goodbye to him, my partner. He is retiring next Wednesday. At the end, I will be alone doing this job, the task which  I am still learning by hard. I will alone collecting the data, processing the data, taking suitable actions, visiting clients..and go the office with no one to talk to. Practically I will be alone in every sense of words.

I wish I am the one who leaves. I hate being left behind especially to be left in this particular work place. I don't love them nor hate them but sometimes ..wrong..many times..almost all the time I feel lonely in a crowd. No one is considered a friend to me. I am not anti social but with this age, I find hard to assimilate my self in this new place. The last one year was a year of learning my real job, learning to understand data, to analyze them and to take proper action. However now..when he is going I feel I have lost a big portion of my passion to work.

I look forward to retire soon but I have no choice. I still have a lot of responsibilities and commitments with bills and loans to finish. Many times I was thinking to quit but I decided to step back and to wait..to wait at least 3 more years  then I call it a quit. But now when he is gone I feel like quitting now.

When he talked about the final day, I could not stop my tears. I did not care crying in front of him even he asked me not to do so. He might feel sad leaving this profession..after 35 years..but not to me. I don't mind leaving this profession even now. I was crying because I am losing some one dear to me. A character that is so mysterious, admired from far and now finally becoming so close to me. I have searched in my entire life for a character to fill up my emptiness and craving for intelligence and when I finally found one, he is taken and worst he is leaving me in a few days.😭

Why do I cried so hard? One last point..which I dare not to jot down here..let it be buried deep deep inside my heart. The song below has the hints..

Goodbye dear partner..

                                                       From You Tube..