Life goes on..

                   My love..

My baby turned to be 14 years old last weekend.. Such a short 14 years and forever I would never stop loving her more and more. She has grown up to be a beautiful girl with awesome personalities and kindness.

She had never raised her voice to me.. I would never tolerate it.. Many times when we were alone I talked to her about morale and attitude. I constantly remind her about praying and reciting Quran.

And still, her English is more dominant and speaking Malay sounds awkward. She understands better when I speak to her in English and Malay is more used to reprimand her. 

Every time we are outside, she keep holding my hand crossing the road or stepping over the monsoon drain, climbing steps and every time making sure I am safe. I used to do that to her, but now it's her time to look after me.. I don't ask her her to do that but she knows that her mother is an old lady now.. 

I could spend hours gazing at her lovely face, looking for my trace and my husband's or where the combination starts. She would smile sweetly and my heart melts..

My dear Aurora Johanna.. 

Please grow up to be healthy, kind, obedient muslimah.. I will go away one day but I really need you to continue to take care of ayah for me.. You are the present from Allah the Greatest and you are my hope.. 

I love you my love.. Happy 14th birthday.. 

Wut

The next phase..

 It was a busy month.. August. 4 years had passed eventhough the pain still lingers. Less hurting but the memories sometimes come up. Well.. I have moved on with my life.

My brother with his wife and my recently pensioned sister have been all around to amuse ourselves. My sister and I had cooked a lot of my brother's favourite dishes and had a feast at his rented home or at my house or at the jogging park near here. We brought along the plates, cups, tea and coffee even my pressure cooker to the eparl and had many lovely picnics there.

We had 2 or 3 times breakfast every week at his house..or simply having a chat after our morning walk. I have enjoyed my self and life is a complete circle.. Spending old time with my love ones is pure heaven.

We had a trip to Teluk Intan visiting our neighbour in Pahang or recently went fishing at a nearby pond. Just enjoying each other. 

One day, my old friend in university days contacted me asking if my son, Am, having any intention of getting married. I said not at the moment since he is just starting to work after finishing his master. My friend, Lah said if we could match Am with her first daughter, Ara with Am.

Suddenly it struck to me.. My children have grown up.. People have started asking.. 

Wut 

The meeting..

 After few months texting and calls, I finally went to the nearby town to meet that lady. I brought my sister with my husband driving, to meet her at her school since she is a teacher there.

The lady was so fragile.. Awkward.. She was trembling.. Scared? Or may be overwhelmed of meeting the lady who used to be her husband first wife. 

Me? Just a normal aqquintance as I used to meet a lot of people when I was working then. 

My reason to see her is to collect the faraid documents to be signed by both my children. However when I got home I checked and found fault on the document so it needed amendment because my daughter can't put down her signature as her ic numbers are wrong. It would be void.

That was not the reason why until now at this moment I feel melancholic. My minds keep rewinding old stories which hurt me so much and I really want to forget. By dealing with this lady, my heart is aching and I can't wait for this matter to finish and I can block her number. 

I know she is not an evil person as she tried hard to rightfully dividing her deceased husband money. And I salute her for that. However, I have moved on and I don't want anything to do with her in laws. And this things dragging my feet back to old sadness.

Now, I trully believed.. Kifarah is real. Never hurt anybody, because before you die, you will pay. 

Or in this case, even after you die, you still pay. 

Wut

Mak..

                   From Youtube

 I have never written here about my mom.. Such a special person, such a painful story, such a deep cut in my heart when she was gone leaving me speechless and grieving until now. Not that I did not wholeheartedly accept what had been decreed by The Almighty of her leaving this world so soon. It was fated and Allah knows best. 

Mak.. 

After 24 years.. A long 2 decades you have gone..but I felt it was only yesterday. I was in school when I received a call from my brother giving me this heartbreaking news..

"Mak meninggal.."

Mak.. Mak.. Why are you leaving me.. Mak

I cried so hard.. Uncontrolled 

Just 15 days before I travelled back by bus with my children.. Am 4 years old and Ayuni 2,to my village some 300 km to see her..to send her to Kelana Jaya before she flied to Mecca performing Hajj.

And now she would never come back to us.. 

And just a month before she flied, my first husband divorced me.. Leaving me alone with my 2 kids far and far away from my family. I really lost my mom.. My backbone.. My savior.. My mak.. 

It was the lowest point of my life.. Her passing.. Even my divorce was not hurting that much compared to losing my mak when I needed her most. She never came back.. She passed away 12 days before wukuf and was buried in Maala Mecca. 

Before going inside the Tabung Haji building in Kelana Jaya,, we were crying letting her go.. She asked me what do I want.. I said I want nothing.. Just prayer that I will be happy.. She cried and answered.. "If I can exchange my life with your happiness.. I would.. As long as you are happy" 

The sentence.. Her last sentence to me.. Makk

True to her words.. Allah granted her wish. After few years I got married again.. Happy eventhough not a bed of rosses but I am happy.. 

However, I lost her.. Since then, not even a day I did not remember her.. She traded her life with my happiness.. Makk

I will see you soon Makk.. 

Wut

Never again..

 I had  prayed to Allah not to see him.. The person I loathed so much..

Nevertheless, I saw his face just now.. What a 'malang' day for me.. Really a bad day.. 

Wut

The phone call 2

 And that night the widow  called me asking the children to 'let go' their rights on a house as a part of the faraid.. The dividing of money and properties of the deceased in a acordance  to Islamic law.. In this case, my ex. And my children have their rights in. 

The house and some other properties and money are to be included in the faraid but she asked that the house  to be spared. Reason, she and her children have no where to go.. That's the only house the deceased husband bought for her to stay. 

Immediately I recalled what did her husband do to me and his children  when he divorced me some 20 years ago. At that time, he had never bought anything for us.. Leaving me alone to fend for his children..he had never pay alimony, never pay child support.. Never care on how I survived in bringing up his children. Had never bothered to help in raising money for children education.. And now my children and I should consider how his widow would survive without him when some 20 years ago he left me with nothing but debts and loans to pay. 

Frankly.. I do not care. 

However, I am not cruel like my ex. I told her, she can stay in the house.. My children are not cold blooded human and not asking the house to be sold and the money to be divided as part of faraid.. We apparently have hearts compared to the father. 

I was tempted to bad mouth him with his widow and demanded that the house to be sold and giving my children the money.. But I am not bad..not like him. I would not take revenge.. Let Allah pays.. 

Let that be a 'hutang' which my children and me would collect on the day of the final judgement..

Wut

The phone cal

 Today I felt lost. I was dragged back to the old time..old stories..sad stories.

Last night I received a cal which was odd and impossible.. Come to think of it. It was from her.. The widow of my ex husband. He passed away last year due to long Covid. 

That day my ex sister in law who had managed a  few months before, to get my phone number from a ' friend' of mine ( whom I will never forgive), had messaged me telling and asking my children and me ( possibly) to pay a visit to her ailing brother ( my ex) at the hospital.

I could not go as my husband was away on a fishing trip with the friends.. Without any telephone line, to ask his permission from. Am was in Netherlands and Andok was on duty for a court case. 

He passed away the next day and was buried at his wife's village.

He had never seen my children for nearly 20 years.. Never actively and financially involved in bringing up the children.. Never contacting the children..even in Hari Raya.. He disappeared altogether with his new family even he stayed around 20 km away from us. 

In a way he deserved not to meet my children for the last time.. Never managed to ask for forgiveness for he had abandoned his fatherly duties long long time ago.. I am a bit harsh but that is Allah' s Fate.. For when he was well and the children were around, he avoided them..he ignored them.

I had many sad and heartbroken times when filling in forms for my children education loans especially from MARA.. for the part of father's info was always empty..and getting calls from MARA as they did not belived that my ex was lost without ' nafkah' or personal info. Many times I cried sorrowfully as if the children were born without a father. 

To be continued.. 

Wut