My leaves of life keep turning yellow and falling to the ground fast..
Sometimes I experience moments when I feel this is it.. I am not scared anymore even though I dread the day of meeting my creator..
I have no regrets.,no more hopes and dreams to look forward. I have everything I need and the best life Allah has decided upon me. I am redha..
So Allah The Greatest..
Call me when it is the time.
I am ready..
Wut
It is also known as Ironwood and the flowers is so swee smelling frangrans until I stop my walk to admire them.
This is the first time ever since I started walking in this recreational park that this trees bear flowers.. Small in clumps but dear me, it is so sweet smell until I stopped looking for the source and saw the. Such a blessto be able to see them today..
Thank you Allah.. You are the Greatest!
Eut
It has been few months.. I am quietly follow my routine.. Going out early to send Aurora to school.. Have breakfast with my hubby and later brisk walking.. Or rather slowly wander around the recreational area. Sometimes my sister came to join me and usually we stop by my brother's house for a chat about their cats, chickens, vegetables over coffee or homemade kuih and finally go home.
It is not an interesting life but it is not boring. Ramadhan came with me trying my best not to get sick or warded like last year. I managed and Eidul Fitri was celebrated simple but meaningfully. Th kids came back and with their help, I successed to cook raya dishes and few cookies.
Now the house grow silent since I spend most of the time sleeping or doing my things in the bedroom. Sometimes playing with our new kitten Manggo.
Old age comes with a variety of sickness and I wonder which one will take me away for good. I am not ready but will be ready when the time comes.
I surrender myself to You Allah The Greatest.. I will wait for my turn..
Wut
We have been friends through blogging for so long. Sha came with Net to my hometown some 13 years ago. They stayed for 2 days here and later I visited Sha at her old house in Sg Long. Then we did not see each other more than decade.
So many things happened with that time. I became the Headmistress and then later in an education officer and after 4 years I opted out.. Retired. And Sha has been all over the world, working and travelling. Our communication is through comments coloum in this blog..only sometimes.
Last week I saw her status and said hi. Asking where would she be as we were planning to stay t Am's house for the weekend. She replied and invited us to her home Friday morning.
She prepared delicious nasi lemak and other food which we loved so much. We chatted for quite a while and later we went back with some food to bring home for Am.
Sha.. Thank you so much for your warm hospitality ad hope to see you again soon. I hope the next meeting will not wait another 13 years coz I probably will not be around at that time.
Aurora is now a big girl Net. We miss u too.
Wut
I am a loyal person.. Most of my friends have IG account or Tik Tok or at least FB. I have none of that. My phone just for What apps or Telegram which is now very seldom used after my retirement.
I keep a very low profile and have very limited friendship circle, just few old friends to contact once in a while. Only few old colleagues come for a visit or having tea sometimes. Most of my time spent at home, or go for a routine morning walk and later stopped by my brother's house for a chat or makan makan and go home later on.
My life is simple. My husband has become my closest friend.. Go for a ride around and he is so patiently driving me any where for food tasting and looking out for new places.
The only thing I keep since 15 years go as to communicate even one sided, is this blog. I don't mind if the readers are not expanding or have any desire to collect readers because the blog is actually my space to write about my experience and my feelings.. Not so interesting because all my entries are real stories . All my feeling are real and I don't pretend to be somebody else to gain popularity.
So. I wonder until when this blog will exist.. Until when I will write.. I just hope that who ever come across this blog and read the entries will know some how in this big world I have existed once.
Till then....Welcome to the new year 2026
Wut
Siblings can be heartless sometimes..
Some demand to be heard, to be listened, to be cared about her feelings but some how fail to do the same to others.. So self centered.
True.. They are born from the same parents but when they are married they turn to be different people. The word siblings does not carry weight when your spouse have different views. You are not my my sibling any more but you are somebody's wife. So I rest my case.
Blood is NOT thicker than water.. In fact sometimes water is cooling but blood is hurting..
Mak.. I have done my part. I surrender.
Allah the Al Mighthy.. Forgive me for I am sinned. I am tired to be assumed.. I have my right to heal myself.. So all my doas are for me only start from now on.
Wut
No.. It's not the novel written in 1980s.. It's just my little prayer that sometimes in near future, I will go back to my Creator hoping that my coming back will be smooth and be welcomed.
As a small fish, I have been a survival in this strong current river for some times like eternity. And I long to rest my tired and beaten body in a deep slumber in which I hope a blissful one.
Of course I am scared to death meeting Him with all my sins but I am in a brink of losing any hope and sanity.
For the time being, I am doing any thing I can as to pay my debts and be ready.
Dear Allah The Almighty.. Only You knows me and only You knows when the time comes.
Until then..
Wut
The blooming pink flowers
I have not written anything for this month. Not that my life is dormant without any events or activities. The opposite.
It is a hectic life and my life is not boring. I even slowed down many things just to let my relax and my aching limbs rest. I try not to walk too many steps during my morning walk.. I sit a lot and enjoy the scenary, to listen to birds chirping or simply having a nice chat with my sis. I enjoy more the quietness and loneliness.
I cook almost every day but now I refuse to rush my morning routine. If I woke late, I just told Aurora to have her break at school by buying the food at the canteen. I don't want to rush to the kitchen and forced my self to prepare her bekal hastily. Aurora needs to learn that one day I will be gone. So far she is okay with canteen food and it makes me happy.
As for dinner I tried to cook my husband favourite dishes even only one dish. He is not demanding and understands that his wife is an old lady without energy to stand long in the kitchen.
My body is getting weaker and is sensitive to even small error. I have to look closely on my food intake and my blood pressure. I always talk to Allah.. Please let me be healthy for I need to perform well as God 's servant.. As a mommy to my children.. As a wife to my husband.. As a sister to my siblings and as the owner of this ailing body that Allah have loaned to me some 61 years ago..
Please Allah.. Take me when I am well.. Grant me the husnul khotimah closure.. Aminn ya rabbal alaminn..
Wut
Some 54 years ago my family moved to Pahang when my father joined Felda settlement,I was just 6 years old. I remembered the first day we arrived at our house. It was surrounded by bushes and the weeds pricked through the wooden floor gaps of the small residence provided by the Felda. It was the modest house that we called home for many many years later.
There were so many childhood memories.. Some happy moments.. Some sad heart breakings at that time. However because of our movement to Pahang I managed to finish school and even graduated with my first degree with the money my father earned working in 10 hecters oil palm plantation.
I remember the house was so cold surrounded by palm oil trees. I slept soundly everynight even without fan as there was no electricity. My mother used to acommpany me studying at night with the oil lamp next to me. I stayed out late as I was sitting for my STPM. I passed with flying colors and entered UKM.
In the morning, my mother used to make roti canai for breakfast. She had to put the oil bottle next to the wood fire to melt the oil as at night which was so cold, it turned solid. My father used to sit at the table with the radio on listening to nasyid songs as the dawn break. So many memories making me melancholic.
Nowadays, after some 50 years the climate has changed drastically. Even now I was sitting in my room waiting for the dusk prayer, with the aircond turned on fully blast.. It was still warm. There was no rains within this 3 weeks and even there was rain once, it did not take away the heat.
How I missed the house I was brought up in Pahang.. And how I missed the morning routine with my mom cooking breakfast and my dad listening to radio.. And how I missed the old good times..
Al Fatihah to all my loved ones.. My mom. My dad, my sister..
Wut
A month ago I had my cataract surgery on my left eye. A year before I had this double vision problem so the surgery had to be postponed until my vision improved and the problem solved.
My eyes are better now even though not 100 percent clear vision. Of course it will not be as clear as vision of young person because age is another factor to determine one's vision.. The older you get the more cloudy your vision.. Except some lucky people who never had to wear spectacle.. My case, I had started to wear glasses when I was form 2..long long time ago.
Now, I am at home slowly recuperating but I was not lonely as almost every morning dropping by my brother's home for chatting and makan makan. Ohhh.. I really enjoy my retirement and have no regrets.
Till then.
Wut
From Google
When my first daughter was still small, she could only count 1,2,3,4,5 and 6. So number six is the biggest number for her.. Meaning there is no more number after six.. Of course, later when she grows bigger she can count more.. And now she is a lawyer.. Properties and management is her expertise..
I talk about this because last time when I asked her.. Do you love Mommy.. She would answer.. Yes I do.. I replied how much do you love Mommy? Six.. She replied.. And we would laughed hard because for her that is the highest number ever. Six.
That was the joke my husband and me would remember and still use until today.. So I always asked my husband the same question.. And he would say., six.. 😂
Just now I asked Aurora the same question.. She answered bigger number.. 10. I asked only 10? Why not million? She said 10/10..perfect 10..Well the number improved from 6 to 10 for the youngest sibling.. 😂😂
My children.. For me all three of you are my happiness.. My son is my sun.. Without him, there is no living.. My daughter is my moon.. That shines softly upon my darkest nights .. And Aurora is the stars.. Millions of them uncountable..
And my husband is my universe.. I shall love you and uphold my love until the next world.
Wut
It has been 5 years since I struggle hard to recite the holy words.. Al Quran Nur Kareem.. It started during Covid when I could go to office and needed to work from home..
One day, I was watching outside my front door and dreaming things.. When I heard my neighbour next door reciting Quran. I felt sad because my recitation was not as smooth as he's and I was jealous. Why can't I recite like her.
From that day onwards I recite every day.. Looking up You Tube to learn to pronoun the words correctly. I struggled hard but I make a point never to leave a da without recite at least few lines from Quran.
My eyes began to deteriorate so I installed apps in my phone so I can recite any time and anywhere.
Now after 5 years I can recite like my neighbour and spend any free time to recite even when taking a break during my morning walk.. Sitting at the park and recite.
Al Quran is my food.. And my day is not complete without it. If I was nearly falling asleep, I jumped out of my bed and recite when suddenly remembered that I didnot recite that day.
The thing I am scared about is when I die I can't recite.. And I really hope the words get into my heart and stay there.. To be my friends and lit up my dark space inside the ground..
I now truly believe.. The closer you try to get near Allah, the much closer He gets to you.. Thank You Dear Allah for giving me the lights.. From the one who could not recite to the person who can't live without Your Words.. You Are The Most Kind and The Most Merciful..
Allhamdulillah..
From YouTube
All along my life, I have never been admitted in hospital wards except for pregnancy cases or deliveries. Nevertheless, year 2025 broke my record.
Last Tuesday, Aurora had a school off so we went out late for breakfast. Early morning I had some fried bananas and and later some mee hon soup. That afternoon I had some rice with a fried fish. Almost immediately I felt something was wrong.
I vomited everything.. Non stop. My husband drove me to emergency. After drip I refused to be admitted and went home. The whole night I could not even keep a few sips of water in my tummy.. All out and by the next morning I was too weak and my husband had to carry me back to emergency.
No choice I had be warded. Meaning the doctors were going to study me, my health history and all. Of course my diabetics would be the major drawback.
3 days and 2 nights I had my holidays in the ward which was more like a nightmare. I could not move, I vomited and every inch of my two arms were jabbed for drip and insulin. I lost count how many times my blood was taken for tests.
When the doctor came to my bed the third morning and broke the news that I would be discharged, it was the happiest moment in my life.
Until now, I feel weak. Slowly my appetite came back and the vimitting completely stopped. Alhamdulillah.. Thank You Allah.
To all the doctors ( young and handsome.. Woww).. nurses and even the cleaners.. Thank you so much. You are all great workers.
To my dearest sister De, Jun..Abg E.. Thank you for your care and love and food. And my husband and kids.. You are the reasons I want to home... Love
Wut
I feel so old.. And so grateful that I am still alive today. I had never thought I could manage to come to this new year.. Year 2025.
I am so grateful with so many things.. My life is blessed with so much happiness and contentment. I have everything and enough.
Happy New Year all.
My beautiful children..
Wut
Yesterday marked another important date in my life..
On Friday afternoon, my husband drove us to Bangi to Am's apartment and we spent the night there. Right after Subuh we went straight to WTC KL to attend Am's master graduation.
This time, my husband and I agreed to let Ayuni and Aurora to go inside the hall on parents tickets. We just spent time sitting in front of the big screen watching the event from outside. My long last friend Mani came and I spent long hours catching up stories with her.
Later we went to have lunch at the nearby mall and she went back to her house taking LRT.
Am had finally graduated with flying colours. There were only 3 more students taking the same course.. Water and Hydrolic Engineering...A joint programme with IHE Netherlands. He had received his master scroll from IHE in July and from UNiKL today.
Everything had come to the final. The struggling years had ended. Not just to him but to me too. I have rest my case. Now, I just have to focus on Aurora's education.. She have already aimed for Multimedia or specifically on animation.. She knows her passion.
O Allah The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful..
Thank you so much for Your guidance and kindness.. I am finally be at peace as every things had come down to their places. My struggle as a mother, as a government servant, as a sibling to my sisters and brother have paid. My brother's house had completed and soon he will move in.
I can now focus all my energy and time to be close to You.. O Allah.
Congratulations my son.. Am.. We love you and we are proud of you..
Alhamdulillah.. Alhamdulillah.. Thank You Allah The Greatest..
My love..
My baby turned to be 14 years old last weekend.. Such a short 14 years and forever I would never stop loving her more and more. She has grown up to be a beautiful girl with awesome personalities and kindness.
She had never raised her voice to me.. I would never tolerate it.. Many times when we were alone I talked to her about morale and attitude. I constantly remind her about praying and reciting Quran.
And still, her English is more dominant and speaking Malay sounds awkward. She understands better when I speak to her in English and Malay is more used to reprimand her.
Every time we are outside, she keep holding my hand crossing the road or stepping over the monsoon drain, climbing steps and every time making sure I am safe. I used to do that to her, but now it's her time to look after me.. I don't ask her her to do that but she knows that her mother is an old lady now..
I could spend hours gazing at her lovely face, looking for my trace and my husband's or where the combination starts. She would smile sweetly and my heart melts..
My dear Aurora Johanna..
Please grow up to be healthy, kind, obedient muslimah.. I will go away one day but I really need you to continue to take care of ayah for me.. You are the present from Allah the Greatest and you are my hope..
I love you my love.. Happy 14th birthday..
Wut
It was a busy month.. August. 4 years had passed eventhough the pain still lingers. Less hurting but the memories sometimes come up. Well.. I have moved on with my life.
My brother with his wife and my recently pensioned sister have been all around to amuse ourselves. My sister and I had cooked a lot of my brother's favourite dishes and had a feast at his rented home or at my house or at the jogging park near here. We brought along the plates, cups, tea and coffee even my pressure cooker to the eparl and had many lovely picnics there.
We had 2 or 3 times breakfast every week at his house..or simply having a chat after our morning walk. I have enjoyed my self and life is a complete circle.. Spending old time with my love ones is pure heaven.
We had a trip to Teluk Intan visiting our neighbour in Pahang or recently went fishing at a nearby pond. Just enjoying each other.
One day, my old friend in university days contacted me asking if my son, Am, having any intention of getting married. I said not at the moment since he is just starting to work after finishing his master. My friend, Lah said if we could match Am with her first daughter, Ara with Am.
Suddenly it struck to me.. My children have grown up.. People have started asking..
Wut
After few months texting and calls, I finally went to the nearby town to meet that lady. I brought my sister with my husband driving, to meet her at her school since she is a teacher there.
The lady was so fragile.. Awkward.. She was trembling.. Scared? Or may be overwhelmed of meeting the lady who used to be her husband first wife.
Me? Just a normal aqquintance as I used to meet a lot of people when I was working then.
My reason to see her is to collect the faraid documents to be signed by both my children. However when I got home I checked and found fault on the document so it needed amendment because my daughter can't put down her signature as her ic numbers are wrong. It would be void.
That was not the reason why until now at this moment I feel melancholic. My minds keep rewinding old stories which hurt me so much and I really want to forget. By dealing with this lady, my heart is aching and I can't wait for this matter to finish and I can block her number.
I know she is not an evil person as she tried hard to rightfully dividing her deceased husband money. And I salute her for that. However, I have moved on and I don't want anything to do with her in laws. And this things dragging my feet back to old sadness.
Now, I trully believed.. Kifarah is real. Never hurt anybody, because before you die, you will pay.
Or in this case, even after you die, you still pay.
Wut
I have never written here about my mom.. Such a special person, such a painful story, such a deep cut in my heart when she was gone leaving me speechless and grieving until now. Not that I did not wholeheartedly accept what had been decreed by The Almighty of her leaving this world so soon. It was fated and Allah knows best.
Mak..
After 24 years.. A long 2 decades you have gone..but I felt it was only yesterday. I was in school when I received a call from my brother giving me this heartbreaking news..
"Mak meninggal.."
Mak.. Mak.. Why are you leaving me.. Mak
I cried so hard.. Uncontrolled
Just 15 days before I travelled back by bus with my children.. Am 4 years old and Ayuni 2,to my village some 300 km to see her..to send her to Kelana Jaya before she flied to Mecca performing Hajj.
And now she would never come back to us..
And just a month before she flied, my first husband divorced me.. Leaving me alone with my 2 kids far and far away from my family. I really lost my mom.. My backbone.. My savior.. My mak..
It was the lowest point of my life.. Her passing.. Even my divorce was not hurting that much compared to losing my mak when I needed her most. She never came back.. She passed away 12 days before wukuf and was buried in Maala Mecca.
Before going inside the Tabung Haji building in Kelana Jaya,, we were crying letting her go.. She asked me what do I want.. I said I want nothing.. Just prayer that I will be happy.. She cried and answered.. "If I can exchange my life with your happiness.. I would.. As long as you are happy"
The sentence.. Her last sentence to me.. Makk
True to her words.. Allah granted her wish. After few years I got married again.. Happy eventhough not a bed of rosses but I am happy..
However, I lost her.. Since then, not even a day I did not remember her.. She traded her life with my happiness.. Makk
I will see you soon Makk..
Wut
I had prayed to Allah not to see him.. The person I loathed so much..
Nevertheless, I saw his face just now.. What a 'malang' day for me.. Really a bad day..
Wut
