Sweet memories..

We just had late lunch..The house was in a mess since my husband chose today to paint the door of each room and the kitchen door too..I couldn't stand the smell of the paint..making me dizzy, uncomfortable..but still have to bear with it..

So tired after the hard work and having a heavy lunch, he falls asleep near the couch with his mouth halfway opened..hehehe..so funny (rasa nak snap photo jer) Well..he used to tease me that I snore when sleeping, but he too..

My husband..sometimes I feel I just have got married to you..even I have known you more than 10 years already. I always smile remembering our first date..at the highway interchange..what a place to choose to have our first meeting..hehe. Actually I was waiting for him in the car with the engine running. On the second thought, if the man who was supposed to come was a vigilante..I would speed off..huhu. When he finally turned up, switch off his car engine, stepped out of his car, walking straight to me ( inside the car )..I really felt like running away. He was so skinny, with messy long hair up to his shoulder. My thought..alamak, macam penangih dadah jer..nak lari ker tunggu nih..hehehe. He came towards my car, knocked on the door asking me to go out to meet him..I didn't want..so scared..hehe. Well, finally I went out..and the rest is history..

Now, looking at him, snoring..while I was typing this entry brings back so many sweet memories..I love you my dear husband..rain or shine I love you with all my heart.

The Visit

My father has been calling several times this week to my husband's hand phone. However the latter seldom picks up the phone especially when he was on the bike. Even so, we knew my father called to ask us to visit him at kampong. I knew it was time for our next visit. We are the only people who see him..at least once a month but the rest..hmm

I have no intention to expose skeleton in the closet, let it be there..always in the closet. Nevertheless, I always believe things happen for a reason, things don't just happen for the sake of happening..we have to be responsible for any action we have taken..we have to pay for any debt we made..sometimes we have to pay for a long time..and always we will be in pain..

My father has never been a gentle and loving father to us, the children and had never been a compassionate husband to my mum. We, the kids had the most unhappy growing up time with him being an abusive father..and my mum passed away (while performing Haj) brokenhearted and had "enough" serving my father..To say that I was "glad" that my mum died in Mecca is understatement. Even though I am sad Aurora never had a chance to be loved by her grandmother and regret that my husband now never had a chance to know the most loving person to be a mother-in-law...but it is better than seeing my mother suffers if she is still around..

We still go back because I keep reminding myself that he is still my father..good or bad. And I keep reminding my husband to be a good son-in-law even though the father- in-law has never been a good father to his wife..

We go back..to see him..to chat with him..to give money. The only thing I can't give is love..because my love to him has gone..I am sorry.

Misery

My friend, T called last Wednesday asking me to have a date with her on Friday afternoon. She sounded depressed and really needed a friend to talk to, so I agreed. I was a feeling a bit guilty leaving my children and husband at home while I was having a time of my own, alone. However, when I met T, I am glad I came. She looked terrible and I could not forget her tearful face before we parted.

We had known each other for more than a decade. She was actually my subordinate in my old office. She has been having problems with her husband long before I even knew her. And all along the years she was in deep misery and suffered a lot pains with this good-for-nothing husband. The husband cheated her, having extra-marital affairs with countless women, some so young who can even be his daughters, took all her money, even keeping her ATM cards, made her pregnant every year ( twice I had to call the ambulance because she had a terrible bleeding, as the husband raped her even she was in the early stage of pregnancy), denied her right to spend hari raya with her family (the husband forced her to go back to his kampong in Kelantan every hari raya ever since they got married, 14 years already)...and many other sickening and cruel acts. However, for me, the worst is threatening to take all her children if she file for a divorce..and of course constant mentally-tortured her, stripped her off her dignity as a wife and woman, until she is really scared of him and hated him so much until the sound of his motorcycle coming back could make her cringe and shrivel with terror. Not just her alone..all her kids do.

Ya Allah..Ya Allah...Ya Allah...that was all I could utter when I was driving back home. I thought after 10 months we parted, things between her and that monster have settled down, but apparently I was wrong. It is gone from bad to worst. The reason she called to meet me was asking my advice of what to do because she could not stand it anymore..she is in the brink of going insane...she is killing herself..No wonder she is so thin..she is suffering from a marriage which can be best described as a hell created by a so-called 'alim' husband who uses religion as a reason to cruelly 'killing' a helpless woman.

Until now I can still remember her weak waving before I drove off..and her tears dropped on her dull face..slowly..with no sound from her lips. Dear T, Demi Allah, I will help you go through this sad time of your life..coz I had experienced the same..I know..be strong dear...

I am desparate!!

When will the letter come?? I keep asking my friend until she gets tired of consoling me and telling me again and again that "THE LETTER WOULD COME..WOULD COME..WOULD COME" But WHEN??? Hmm..I, myself am tired of waiting..and waiting. Huh!

That letter and this feeling are slowly eating me alive. I wish somebody could tell me " Stop it!" or "Forget it!" or "You're crazy and stupid!!". May it would bring me back to my senses.

Life..and challenges would not stop as long as you are still human. This is my life and I am going through it with hardship...Allah, give me strenght, please..

I need to move on..

My lovely jasmine...


My orchids are blooming with stormy afternoon background


Our dinner..roasted chicken with yorkshire pudding

I went to work, stayed inside my room most of the time, had my breakfast and did my work and went home..quietly..efficiently ...not much talking..silence. That was good. I should make it often..make it my habit because it lessen my stress. I was happy until I got home. Watching a movie changed my mood. Suddenly I was so sad and cried. I have decided I have to get out from there if I want to keep my sanity. i will make my move as soon as possible. I am planning..

Sad..

I went to work driving my car. It was very early and it was very dark. All along the 13 minutes drive I was praying to Allah.. Allah..please make things easy for me..I just want to do my work..no more no less..protect me from all those hatred and ill- feelings of any body towards me..this is the only way I am earning for my family..help me to go through the day..and the day after..and the day after that..and so on. That was my pray..So sad deep inside me until I nearly cry which I rarely do because of other people rather than my family.

I wish somebody or any body could give me an answer to the question "Why there are people like that? Have they forgotten the fact that everybody is equal to Allah. Who are they to judge that they are better then the rest? Just because they are the pioneers in the office, they have the power to do anything or to say anything even it is not true and hurt other people? Who are they to decide whether I will be happy or sad that day? The fact that they rejoice when their "enemies" come down with problems anger me. I can not look at their faces for I am scared I might loose my temper and hit them. Yeah..I feel like to punch them on the faces or at least say don't go to to Mecca if this is the kind of person you have become..

I am so pissed off...

Aurora...15 months..

Aurora has started walking!!! Awkward at first but now getting steady. She actually started making her first few steps that night 5.1.2012 and the next day 6.1.2012 marked her 15 months old. Hurrayyyy...my baby has started to walk. That moment will be cherished forever in my life and I am glad I witnessed the moment she dared herself to take the first few steps without any help form us. I am so happy...

On the 7.1.2012 also marks my dear friend's, Mani, birthday. She called me and we talked nearly two hours. We have known each other and have been closed friends for a decade. She is more like a sister to me even we are in different races.I trust her with my life and if I will to die now I entrust her to take care of my children especially Ayuni and Idham. We had shared many sad and happy memories together and secrets which will go with us to our graves.

Dear Mani...it's true that life sometimes is very unfair to us. It's true that life is for bad people..selfish people..people who took advantage on our weaknesses..but please don't give up in life. We still need to go on till our time to be called to God. Until then, however painful life is to you..don't ever give up. Even the whole world turn their back on you, I will always walk by your side. I need you to be forever be my friend..my guidance...my conscience ...my sister. And forever I will always love you..Happy Birthday..