I miss you..

😞

So much.. Missing you.. And it hurts me so much.. 

A part of me is gone and the other half is suffering.. 

Why..?

Little updating..

 She passed.. Yeayyy.. Going to the final semesta..

I am looking foward for both my kids to finish their degrees.. Am is doing practicum.. October will see him graduate.. Ayuni will finally into her last sem.. March next year, it will be over. 

And I.. I will wait for 14 more months..to be finally becoming a free man or a woman to be precise.. 

Time.. Please heal me.. Allah The Almighthy.. Tell time to heal me.. Tell the tress and the million leaves to pray for me.. I can not be in sadness all the time.. I have enough.. I had enough.. This misery is causing my health to detoriarate.. Slowly it is killing me.. 

I have to speak to my friend about this.. 

Numb..

 

                                                                     From You Tube
     

Emotional numbness normally occurs as a coping mechanism, or a way of blocking out painful experiences or emotions. The following disorders and conditions can cause someone to become emotionally numb:   depression,anxiety,stress,grief or trauma.

If you feel emotionally numb, you’ve likely been through a lot in life. Your mind needs a break, and as a result, you start to switch off both negative and positive emotions. You might be thinking, “What’s wrong with feeling happy?” Well, we can’t feel joy without experiencing pain, so a person who doesn’t feel emotions would rather not go on that roller coaster ride anymore.

A person who dissociates from themselves and their emotions often feel that life seems a lot easier when emotions don’t get in the way. Of course, it feels great when you make it into the clouds; falling back down into that dark abyss over and over again can easily break the spirit, however.

Feeling emotionally numb doesn’t usually just happen; it’s a slow process that causes a person to slowly remove themselves from life. It doesn’t happen by choice, either; a person who feels nothing once felt everything so deeply, but the pain of this destroyed them. So, their brains responded by shutting off their emotions in order to deal with the trauma.

I am numb..and I am shutting down every door towards anything..

Monologue..

 In a few weeks Aurora will be  10 years old. Such a long time but it is a worthwhile journey. And this blog will celebrate it's 10 years being written as I dedicated this blog for her, my love.

 I started this blog few days before I delivered her, my bundle of joy, who is now a tall, a very beautiful shy young girl as she has held my heart since the day I saw her in the baby cot. I walked from one baby to another to check the collar on the babies's leg to find one that matched mine. I needed to collect her for home after I was discharged from the maternity ward an hour before. Of all the babies in the ward, she was the biggest with a pair of small eyes, more like a Chinese. When I saw her the first time, immediately I could felt warm in my heart. Here was my baby that I had carried in my womb more than nine months..took hundreds and hundreds of insulin injections for diabetes..warded and discharged from the hospital countless time, prayed every single day for her to be healthy..I had suffered so much and now here was she in my arms and I fell in love with her right there and then.

 I had a very difficult and long Caesarean delivery and I lost a lot of blood. I could not walk as usual but since I was the only person allowed to collect her from the ward so slowly and painfully I changed her clothes, put her baby socks and carried her in my arm carefully, took the lift to the ground floor where Kak Anim waited patiently. She took my baby from my arms as I was about to faint. I could feel blood gushed out and I nearly fell there if not she quickly braced my self. We walked to the car, and that 50 metres walk was the longest I felt in my life.

And now, she is almost 10 years old and her Mommy has wandered too far from her original intention of writing this blog. I had wished to leave her this blog when one day I will be gone but too many personal things I had posted here to make it impossible. 

This blog was my 10 years journey of experience, my monologues, my memories, my happiness and many of my sadness. I had jotted down events that are important, people who are dear and had touched my heart, happy moments with my family and sadness which understood only by few. I am not writing for people to read and to understand me, more like I am writing as to talk to my self because there were many entries that were understood my me alone. Sometimes when I read an old entry and checked whether my feeling at that moment and at present were the same but sometimes it was not. 

I wrote about people around me and each had spent some part of their life teaching me...and I really appreciate the lesson they had taught me whether they notice it or not. They were only few characters I had managed to write but there are more. And of course there were more important events to write but I could not write them down because those were too sensitives or too personal.

So Happy Birthday blog..All Along the Way..and if one day I stop writing, it is not because I hate writing any more but because I could not write..

This is me Wuthering Height...

                                                                 Jacob on the cupboard...

                                                                   

           

                                                           Dinner to welcome my brother

                                                                      Mengusik kakak..                           

                                                     Sour face...Forced to put down the tab..

Till then...

             

Love is..

 

It is hurting... 😭

 Why of all sorts of feelings, love is always hurting? Why can't love be warmed, comforting and full filing the emptiness inside the heart?

Why instead of giving, I want to receive ..to possess. Instead of crying why can't I laugh.. Instead of sadness, why can't I feel happy. Is love supposed to be like this?

Such as an expensive situation, to be in love but to pay dearly with the most prized possessions I have..my heart.. 

And to prove my love to you..my tears..not as many drops as the rain outside my room now, but enough to wet and flooding my life.. 

How could you.. 😭