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Tuesday, August 18, 2020

I am in pain..

 When I chose to get back, I had a spare thought that this time try not get overwhelmed or overdoing things. But being me..the person with abundance of love and cares will not stop by giving just a tiny bit of attention and love..Instead, I gave all..I never hold back my feelings. That human is the person I love with all my heart..not just a mere acquaintance I meet every day.

Then yesterday, it all backfired to me. I get burned. However this time, I was the one who pulled the full stop. It was so hard and so painful. However, I could not stand it any more being second or third every time. I had experience this the last time but now I told myself that this sacrifice is a MUST. I have to take care of my feelings..and his. Rather than putting two persons in the sad situation and making him uneasy with my wanting his attention and he could not respond to my needs, then it is better that I go.

I am sad. I cry. I could not do things. I could not eat. My BP raised up until I could sleep the whole night.

What kind of suffering this time? 

And how long should I take this time to get my self healed?


" La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimin"

 There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers.



Till then..and I do not know when..

Sunday, August 9, 2020

MCO was uplifted..




MCO was over except in certain places when the new cases started in Perlis. I wonder when will this pandemic be gone for good..

As to my life, as the MCO was lifted..I received a message which I had never thought would come.. After a year.. I cried when I saw it the first time.. I did not believe it was from the person whom I have missed so much..

I had a mixed feeling..to reply or not to reply. I thought after so long, the wound in my heart had healed but it was far from the reality.. I still cry because of the heart break..

I let it unanswered for 6 days.. All along the time, I was thinking..remembering..and finally I answered.. I did not plan my answer.. I just followed my heart. Whatever feelings I felt at that moment, that was the answer..

And I prayed.. Please..once was enough. I had my full year of pain.. Let me be happy even for a while before I die..

Till then.. 

Friday, June 19, 2020

Counting starts..

   


                                                       
                                                      Image from Google..


Schools are reopening..so the the office is in the full swing. Visiting schools bringing the instruments to check on the readiness to welcome the students back were tiring and sometimes causing headache and uncomfortable feelings. I am not supposed to go and visit school administrators with some instruments and certainly not in my JD to check on them. However, since my boss asked me to do so and elected me as the head of the group, I had no choice but went.

Well, to most schools' administrators I am cordially welcomed anytime, but one. This school or a Form 6 Collage to be precise,  the strong headed collage Director was an arrogant and not so clever person. He was well known as the "SOP MAN". However, during this visit, he does not follow any of the SOP given for school reopening. He could only boast but apparently does nothing. Nothing until I had no choice but to give the lowest score for the instrument that is 0.

The sad thing is, I have to go again to visit him next week. What an unpleasant feeling. Hate to meet a person who brags and brags but in the inside knows nothing, does nothing but say many things.

And I had written and presented the letter to my boss. He was not happy and at first he did not want to approve. I told him, I was not happy too. Not because of him, but because my time is up. I have to leave and I want to leave. With little time left, I want to make my self happy. My self. He agreed. Now the only thing left is to fill up the forms..and start counting. Start from 1 July this year..


                                  19 months to go...



Till then..















Thursday, May 14, 2020

Loving SOMEONE who can NEVER be YOURS!



Loving someone who can't be yours is probably one of the most painful thing to experience. You keep yearning to be with that person, with the knowledge that you can make that person really happy, if only he will let you, that you are the perfect one, if only he will realize it. You love someone who is not YOURS and most likely someone else is like having that really really favorite food in front of you but at the same time knowing that if you take a bite, you'd get poisoned. It may be worth the bite but you know that you can never do it.

When you love someone who will never be yours, it will always be bittersweet. There may even be a point where you just want to not love him because it hurts too much, because you might want too much, more than what the other person can give. When you love someone who will never be yours, it is the ultimate sacrifice, you know he will never love you yet you can't stop loving him.

We may be made to believe that we can find happiness in others, but real happiness comes from within. It is in living without guilt knowing that we have not forsaken those who truly love us in exchange for those who just make us believe that we are loved. Don’t let the lure of getting what you want take away what you already have.

It’s true that most of us willfully consent to what we see as right in our eyes. Like careless drivers , we follow the dictates of our hearts and stubbornly become slaves to our own feelings and desires. We fail to think rationally and blindly ignore the ” red stop light” that warns us of peril ahead . We may have been victims of ignorance but when the truth is finally revealed to us , we still choose to remain nonchalant and care less about the consequences of our actions. 

Loving someone with all our hearts is not all that it takes to make a relationship last. Even if we prove our worth in many ways, seen and unseen, we still cannot be given a guarantee of permanence and loyalty in our relationships. 

Even in our best effort to keep our bonds strong and steadfast, there are just times when we have to accept that not all relationships are meant to last. Loving someone doesn’t always mean that were are going to be loved in return. Being faithful doesn’t always mean that your partner will always be true to you. Getting into a relationship is always a risk. There is just no guarantee that it will work the first time, or even the second or third time, if there will be any. Sometimes, love means having to say goodbye to someone you would have wished to become one with. Sometimes, love means getting hurt and being broken into pieces.

God always puts a red stop light along our journey to remind us that we are going to hurt ourselves if we stubbornly step on the gas and move on. But he doesn’t put a physical barrier to keep us in place . In the end , it is still our choice, based on our own free will to stop what is wrong and move on with what is right.

When you love someone who can't be yours, you stop loving yourself.

♥ Lablabs ♥

I read and reread the last sentence..its true. I do not love my self..


Till then..

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

I remember..

The old days keep rolling in my mind..sometimes I could not sleep at night..well many nights because my mind was too busy remembering...

Sometimes it was too much until I got up from my bed after tossing and turning for hours..unrolled my praying mat, and prayed..prayed hard and talk..a long talk with my creator..asking for help. Please help me to forget..to move on..to throw away all these feelings back to the person who started it first.

I am suffering..too much until I become so clever of hiding it from any body. I manage to potray my smiling face, performing my tasks with excellent results..but when I am alone, at nights..all changed. I am slowly being dragged to depression..and I know I have to stop.

I have only a friend..

                            From You Tube

Till then..

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Pandemic...




Today is the last day of Phase One of the Movement Control Order. Never in my 55 years of life our country has to go through this ordeal. As if we are in war when we are asked to stay at home..24 hours a day..30 days..a month. Start on 18 March all schools close down, offices, private or government premises..almost all except essential services providers.

My children came back before the lock down with Ayuni was not feeling well, making me worried like mad. Idham, having problems with the factory where he was doing his practicum, and he decided to quit working there. By March 18, everything stopped. I did not go out from house since that day except March 24 when I had to got to clinic to get my prescribed medications. There we were asked to wait outside the premise because a bus carrying several prisoners were on the process of taking samples for Covid 19. After that we were allowed to go inside. I finished my check up and rushed home, taking my bath thoroughly washed away any germs.

Day by day the number of cases have risen up..from hundreds to thousands..from 2 deaths to 37 today and counting. I am worried and I am sure everybody is as worried as me. I really pray to Allah that this pandemic would be over soon and we will go back to our normal life. I pray all the people I love including him would be protected from this virus, those infected would be healed and those front liners would be given strength and endurance to go all along the way.

One thing for sure, I need to write the letter soon..

Till then..

Friday, February 14, 2020

She passed..



Yesterday I was busy. In the morning I visited one school. I was happy with the improvements and returned home feeling glad. Later that afternoon I was asked to go to an event on behalf of the big boss. There I met the wife of a very prominent person in this state. I was skeptical at first but she was humble and proved herself to be a very intelligent person..I enjoyed my meeting with her.

That afternoon I baked a cake ...a retirement cake for a staff who will retire today. And later my daughter called saying that she was on ETS already coming home. When she reached home, she was not in a very good mood..more like worrying...the results will be out tonight..and stressed because at midnight the ITMs exam portal would be jammed packed with students anxious to check the results.

I did not sleep well the whole night and woke up at 4.30 to icing the cake. Later I went inside her room and she murmured to me.."Mummy, I passed". I was so overjoyed.

Thank you Allah..Thank you..You answered my wishes..