Meeting and meeting and .....

For many weeks I have all sorts of meeting for all sorts of agendas..I am tired..really tired. I drove every where..top bottom, the west, the north..my legs hurt every night. And next week till the end of the month, I will travel again for meetings and courses. I really need a break..not a short break..a long one..a retirement.

I have not visited my clients for so long..I miss them. However, I wonder do they miss me?

And I miss that person..so much it hurts...

A reminder?

I am taking care of my health..especially since I work near home more than 2 years ago. I find it easier to go to clinic for my scheduled check up compared to the time when I traveled long distance before. I could feel after 2 years of taking my medicine accordingly, jog at least twice a week have improved my health. Another aspect is my inner/soul medication..I tend to talk more to Allah through praying at night. It helps a lot in my time of sorrow like now.

However few days ago I had this migraine..I called this  migraine because I could feel the pain was only on my left side of my head and the pain was not specifically on one place but it was moving to one spot to other spot at times. I was so uneasy and felt weak. I took my hypertension medicine as usual, so I did not think it was due to hypertension. I was tired of taking medicine so I decided to go for massage. It was better and I could go to work the next day.

One of my final wishes is to die without having to go through suffering or lying on bed before the last breath. I really do not wish to burden my family..my husband and my kids. I really do not want to go with any grudge or ill hearted towards them. I want to go with blissful feeling, feeling loved and happy till my last day. I do not want my kids to have trouble taking care of me if I was bed ridden and was depending on them on anything. I really hope that it will not happen. I do not want my kids to be sinned just because I feel hurt on any of their bad treatment to me (if any). So, I really hope my last day would be quick and painless.

And I really hope that I could get my "Husnil Khotimmah" .. the good end.

 

2020

                                                                     From Google

Since the Prime Minister introduced  the  slogan Wawasan 2020,long time ago, I was wondering what would happen to me in the year 2020. Here I am...working in the place I had never thought I would be, having colleagues whom I had never thought I would mixed up with, giving ideas in meetings which I had never expected I would be in..

Even though things have changed tremendously over this recent years, this new decade does not change me personally. I am still the same person long before the slogan was launched. And now the year has come, I am still having the same thoughts, the same ideas, the same attitude ... The only difference is I am more vocal, I speak my mind (not rude)..when I have to but then when I do not have to speak, I will be quiet, doing my things..writing, reading, listening to religious talks in YouTube..and the go out running my errand and doing my tasks. I am all alone..

I really miss my dear partner, Tn Hj Thani...I miss discussing our job nature, talking about people around us, the office, tell stories about us..I miss so much of our pasts..and so much more.

I thought I would contemplate with the new year of my decision to opt for early retirement. However, with several days have gone in this new year, I am more confident and adamant that I should retire early. I have chosen the day already..February 1st 2022. Yesterday I went to the old office to collect several documents and I hope by next week I should be able to collect all the necessary things. By June this year, I shall fill up the form and wait for 20 months after that for the final day.

That is my final decision.

When will...

 

                                                                      From YouTube

I could not do my work...

I cannot focus..

Stop typing and cry again and again...

Astaghfirullah..

When will this misery move away from my heart..

I cannot bear it any longer...

Goodbye 2019...

In my whole life, 2019 is one of the saddest years ever..beside 1999 and the year 2000.

As if the changing of the decade will be marked down with sadness..misery..losses..heartbreak..

I am looking forward to the day I retire..so the next thing I will do is to complete the form, making sure all the necessary things taken care off..work for two more years and two months and say goodbye..

The recent event.. the tears...the chaos ..the politics in this office is unbearable..is suffocating..I need to let go..

Allah the Greatest Planner..please let me work in calm..let me do my best for the last two years of service..and let me go quietly..unceremoniously...

                                                                  From You Tube


Goodbye 2019...my heart breaks each time I am thinking about everything.. 

I cry..again

That kind of people never change..

I have lived long enough not to be shocked and surprised by people acts. However, now and then I came across people who are so insensitive, selfish and arrogant. Here in this work place I have met many of those characters who are still kicking and believe that they are on the right tracks but apparently they are bullying others, misjudged people around them, taking advantage and the worse case scenarios heartless.

The boss is not yet officially gone from this office but the seconder is impatiently wants to go in..bringing the lots. The other head is also excitedly announcing memos which makes the boss feels that he is obstructing the way, thus making him left the group all of the sudden. I am watching all these unfolded in my own eyes..feel sad and I could feel the sadness of the old boss. And during the meeting just now, I saw they used it as a joke and laughed away. I felt sick watching them.

Second incident, last night, I received a message..not work wise but more like gossiping things..I replied but later I felt tired and drowsy. I read the next message but did not replied because I wanted to sleep and it was not important too. Then early morning I received more messages from that person telling me that she felt bad that I did not reply to her messages and I have changed not to be same person when now I have worked in the office. My God..why people should be so insensitive..I was at home with my family..and after breakfasting I was so tired and not so interested in gossiping. For me, she is the one who never change..still being the same person..heartless, insensitive..harsh in words used and arrogant.

 Years have gone by..still holding the same attitude. may be you are great in your work but that's not what count finally..the only thing that people remember about you long after you have gone is the hearts that were hurt by you..

Grow up fast because its quiet late now.

Happy Birthday to me...

Never I have written about my own birthday..

This time I will..

This year I celebrated the day with a mixed feelings..sadness, broken hearted, self awareness, gratitude..

Sad because the day should be more memorable with his presence..which did not happen..

Broken hearted because of the empty promises..

Self awareness because I know I am old enough to be in this mess..

Grateful because all along this long journey I have HIM...

                                                       
                                                                      From Youtube