Numb..

 

                                                                     From You Tube
     

Emotional numbness normally occurs as a coping mechanism, or a way of blocking out painful experiences or emotions. The following disorders and conditions can cause someone to become emotionally numb:   depression,anxiety,stress,grief or trauma.

If you feel emotionally numb, you’ve likely been through a lot in life. Your mind needs a break, and as a result, you start to switch off both negative and positive emotions. You might be thinking, “What’s wrong with feeling happy?” Well, we can’t feel joy without experiencing pain, so a person who doesn’t feel emotions would rather not go on that roller coaster ride anymore.

A person who dissociates from themselves and their emotions often feel that life seems a lot easier when emotions don’t get in the way. Of course, it feels great when you make it into the clouds; falling back down into that dark abyss over and over again can easily break the spirit, however.

Feeling emotionally numb doesn’t usually just happen; it’s a slow process that causes a person to slowly remove themselves from life. It doesn’t happen by choice, either; a person who feels nothing once felt everything so deeply, but the pain of this destroyed them. So, their brains responded by shutting off their emotions in order to deal with the trauma.

I am numb..and I am shutting down every door towards anything..

Monologue..

 In a few weeks Aurora will be  10 years old. Such a long time but it is a worthwhile journey. And this blog will celebrate it's 10 years being written as I dedicated this blog for her, my love.

 I started this blog few days before I delivered her, my bundle of joy, who is now a tall, a very beautiful shy young girl as she has held my heart since the day I saw her in the baby cot. I walked from one baby to another to check the collar on the babies's leg to find one that matched mine. I needed to collect her for home after I was discharged from the maternity ward an hour before. Of all the babies in the ward, she was the biggest with a pair of small eyes, more like a Chinese. When I saw her the first time, immediately I could felt warm in my heart. Here was my baby that I had carried in my womb more than nine months..took hundreds and hundreds of insulin injections for diabetes..warded and discharged from the hospital countless time, prayed every single day for her to be healthy..I had suffered so much and now here was she in my arms and I fell in love with her right there and then.

 I had a very difficult and long Caesarean delivery and I lost a lot of blood. I could not walk as usual but since I was the only person allowed to collect her from the ward so slowly and painfully I changed her clothes, put her baby socks and carried her in my arm carefully, took the lift to the ground floor where Kak Anim waited patiently. She took my baby from my arms as I was about to faint. I could feel blood gushed out and I nearly fell there if not she quickly braced my self. We walked to the car, and that 50 metres walk was the longest I felt in my life.

And now, she is almost 10 years old and her Mommy has wandered too far from her original intention of writing this blog. I had wished to leave her this blog when one day I will be gone but too many personal things I had posted here to make it impossible. 

This blog was my 10 years journey of experience, my monologues, my memories, my happiness and many of my sadness. I had jotted down events that are important, people who are dear and had touched my heart, happy moments with my family and sadness which understood only by few. I am not writing for people to read and to understand me, more like I am writing as to talk to my self because there were many entries that were understood my me alone. Sometimes when I read an old entry and checked whether my feeling at that moment and at present were the same but sometimes it was not. 

I wrote about people around me and each had spent some part of their life teaching me...and I really appreciate the lesson they had taught me whether they notice it or not. They were only few characters I had managed to write but there are more. And of course there were more important events to write but I could not write them down because those were too sensitives or too personal.

So Happy Birthday blog..All Along the Way..and if one day I stop writing, it is not because I hate writing any more but because I could not write..

This is me Wuthering Height...

                                                                 Jacob on the cupboard...

                                                                   

           

                                                           Dinner to welcome my brother

                                                                      Mengusik kakak..                           

                                                     Sour face...Forced to put down the tab..

Till then...

             

Love is..

 

It is hurting... 😭

 Why of all sorts of feelings, love is always hurting? Why can't love be warmed, comforting and full filing the emptiness inside the heart?

Why instead of giving, I want to receive ..to possess. Instead of crying why can't I laugh.. Instead of sadness, why can't I feel happy. Is love supposed to be like this?

Such as an expensive situation, to be in love but to pay dearly with the most prized possessions I have..my heart.. 

And to prove my love to you..my tears..not as many drops as the rain outside my room now, but enough to wet and flooding my life.. 

How could you.. 😭

Yong...

 

My sister was a few years older than me..We could have been closed but she had matured and had taken the responsibilities of being the first child of the house long before I understood anything. She joined my mother working in the oil palm plantation and stopped schooling when she was in Standard 5. Few teachers came to our house in the Felda settlement asking my father to reconsider the decision. My father was adamant since he had no choice. Both of my parents needed to work so there must be someone to stop schooling and taken care of her young siblings at home. My sister was the victim. 

I could clearly remember the old days very well. Yong was very good at studies..she was an excellent student especially in drawing. She could draw very well using her left hand. Yes, she was left handed and using her left  hand in doing everything except eating. 

She managed us well even she was a very young girl at that time. She cooked well too. She could make the best beef rendang and peanut sauce, better than my mom. She even had a small business in selling breakfast in the morning but had to stop because of bad competitors.

She was asked to marry a person she did not love who later did many bad things to her and at last abandoned her with 3 kids..all girls. My father regretted his decision to marry her off but the harm was done. 

She survived alone. I visited her many times and many times I asked her to stay with me. She refused and continued working as sales person in various supermarkets. Once I looked for her at The Pacific Supermarket in Butterworth..She cried when she saw me. I cried when I saw her..such a emotional situation looking at your sibling working very hard with a small pay and a lot of hardships.

One thing I had not managed to help her out..that is getting her a house of her own. I tried to ask for PPRT house for her but since I had nobody to help me with my application, the effort was fruitless..until she passed away.

On the 14.4.2014..I was in my office when I got the news. Few days before that I had an urge..something in my heart telling me..go and visit Yong..I did not listen to my instinct.I regretted my decision later  and when I was driving home after that, I could not drive. My tears was running down my cheeks until my vision was blurred. Yong passed away in her sleep. She was just 52 years old.

Yong..I wish you are around so I could take care of you better. Like mother, you had gone too early and too soon. Nothing could express my sorrow when you are gone joining mom and  before I could make you happy. May be Allah took you early so you did not have to suffer anymore.

I came to visit your resting place..and I will never forget you..not even once in my entire life. Rest well Yong..one day I will follow you and we will be together again..

Al Fatihah.. Zanariyah bt Ahmad

 

I am in pain..

 When I chose to get back, I had a spare thought that this time try not get overwhelmed or overdoing things. But being me..the person with abundance of love and cares will not stop by giving just a tiny bit of attention and love..Instead, I gave all..I never hold back my feelings. That human is the person I love with all my heart..not just a mere acquaintance I meet every day.

Then yesterday, it all backfired to me. I get burned. However this time, I was the one who pulled the full stop. It was so hard and so painful. However, I could not stand it any more being second or third every time. I had experience this the last time but now I told myself that this sacrifice is a MUST. I have to take care of my feelings..and his. Rather than putting two persons in the sad situation and making him uneasy with my wanting his attention and he could not respond to my needs, then it is better that I go.

I am sad. I cry. I could not do things. I could not eat. My BP raised up until I could sleep the whole night.

What kind of suffering this time? 

And how long should I take this time to get my self healed?

" La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimin"

 There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers.

Till then..and I do not know when..

MCO was uplifted..

MCO was over except in certain places when the new cases started in Perlis. I wonder when will this pandemic be gone for good..

As to my life, as the MCO was lifted..I received a message which I had never thought would come.. After a year.. I cried when I saw it the first time.. I did not believe it was from the person whom I have missed so much..

I had a mixed feeling..to reply or not to reply. I thought after so long, the wound in my heart had healed but it was far from the reality.. I still cry because of the heart break..

I let it unanswered for 6 days.. All along the time, I was thinking..remembering..and finally I answered.. I did not plan my answer.. I just followed my heart. Whatever feelings I felt at that moment, that was the answer..

And I prayed.. Please..once was enough. I had my full year of pain.. Let me be happy even for a while before I die..

Till then..