2011 will end soon...and soon Aurora will turn 15 months..

Few days to go before the year 2011 says goodbye to us.... As for me the year has brought along many changes in my life..and our family's lives. I transfered to a new office..met a lot of weird and some disgusting people ever in my life. Besides, my family changes a lot too. My daughter's being an adolescent has created many unhappy stories which produced a lot of tears... My son has moved out to stay in a hostel..a boarding school a stone throw away from my house but still I missed him a lot. The biggest change is Aurora. The house is cheerful with her crawling here and there..leaving her trace behind..books thrown on the floor..her toys lying everywhere..squealing with laughter and giggles..We are very happy and blessed with her existence..she is truly a gift..a gift from God. Until this moment we have adapted with changes..day by day..some happy and some brokenhearted too. I have got new illness ..hypertension, which is a burden to me. It began because of stress with my old boss. Until now I am taking medication..all because of that lady..

My hubby..still the same person he is. That is one of the greatest gift to me from Allah..the fact that he has never change. Still the same man I first knew 10 years ago..loyal and loves me so much. Our arguments compared to previous are shorter and not so irritating. May be he is getting older..yeah..soon he will turn 40..But wait..life begins at 40 for men..Goodness..please don't!!! I had enough..spare me from disloyal husbands please.... Another reason is may be because Aurora is here. We can't prolong our arguments coz we need each other..and Aurora needs both of us and her sister too (who adores her)..and her big brother( who cares for her very much). We are one family..together we stand supporting each other. I love them very much..

During meeting today, I was quiet, doing my things and not bothered by the lots. I will be in this way forever. I am very frustrated with them and it's quite difficult for me to reconcile. Let's do our work..okay. No more no less. And I what I think about them personally, let me personally keep it inside.

Goodbye 2011. May 2012 brings more happiness for me. I know problems will pursue but with patience and God's grace I will manage somehow. Grand us health so we can serve YOU better..be a hardworking worker..a good mother..a loving wife..an understanding sister..a caring daughter..and mostly an obedient servant to YOU ALLAH.

Allah..please gives me courage to change things I can change
Patience to accept those I can not
And wisdom to see the difference between the two..

The First Step

My baby has started to walk!! She has taken her first few steps today...! I am so excited..so happy. She is already 14 months old. Other babies have started to walk even after 10 months old. My baby is quite slow in that. Her front two teeth just come out..so sweet to see her smiling. The house is lit up with warmth and happiness when she was squealing in delight walking around the living room with the guidance from the brother or her big sister. That sight is forever cherished in my heart. We love u so much my baby...Aurora.

Work..work and work

I am doing my work at the moment. Just taking few minutes to scribble something in my blog. I know my blog is a not a popular blog with many or for some blogs..hundreds or even thousand of readers or followers. I am content if I could take some time to express what I feel in a few sentences. Not every day..no..I don't have the luxury to do that. The time I could spend updating my blog was stolen when me doing my office work..after Aurora has slept or when my hubby is watching tv. If she wakes up..there goes my work..laptop shut down..whatever work abandoned. She it the priority at home. She will be the first every time.

Tomorrow my hubby will send my boy to the clinic to have his teeth fixed with the complete braces. Starting tomorrow he will be in a very uncomfortable situation and even to be in excruciating pain. Thinking about that making me nervous and worry. I don't want to see my boy in pain..I don't have the heart to see him suffer. I know I am too soft on him whereas he does not like to be pampered or pitied. However, a mother is a mother. I can't stop being my self. I love him..he is my son. Whatever I do now is for him..I want him to be happy and gain the confidence to talk or to smile to others.

My Sg Petani's sister called yesterday asking about my holiday plan. We don't have any plan actually. My mission is to finish my work and completing fixing my son's braces. Moreover, any plan needs money and money is one thing that we don't have much at the moment. Hehe..Another reason is, I am too tired to travel any where with Aurora getting more active day by day. The last time we went to KL, I had my body ached all over after we came back. Taking care of an active baby in a car needs a lot of energy..and I don't have that too. So, stay at home..that's the best option so far. That is holiday for me, even not so for my kids.

One thing that stuck in my mind after she hang up the phone was about my youngest sister in Johor. The one who broke my heart, destroyed my life, making my suffer for so many years..Yup..that one. I knew she was not happy last time I heard about her..but I do not know that she is still not happy now. Allahuakhbar..Allah..You are the Greatest..only You knows..we are just Your humble servants..thank You for making me suffer before..and later pitying me and now granting me much happiness. Thank You.

Latest updates

There have been many things going on in the past several weeks until I could not find much time to read and what more to write here.

My son had 4 of his teeth extracted making way for braces. We had visited the clinic several times and this coming Wednesday the braces will be put on. Actually it was supposed to be today but we missed the app since I was busy with work. I will make sure I won't miss the next one.

Aurora is not feeling well. She caught flu and fever but it is not that bad. However her flu still disturbing and causing her to be cranky. I missed her chatter and lively smiles. The god news is she has started to stand on her own and trying hard to make her first step. She is not confidence but keeps trying. Suddenly it hits me..my baby is growing..bigger and now is a toddler..no more a small baby whom I first brought home from hospital more than a year ago. How time flies..and me getting older day by day. My body is getting weaker and my mood is swaying sometimes. I wonder it that symptoms of menopouse ..(sigh)..well..it's about time..

My Aurora will be 14 months tomorrow. We celebrated her birthday at home. Actually it was a simple but meaningful dinner because we just want it to be a family affair. I don't want to share the moment with others...only us.

I went to office today and I met that person. We did work..and I with mixed feeling..

I did it!!

Last Thursday I went to meet 2 important person and I said it all. The first person was quite understanding. He listened and only asked a few questions here and there. However the second person apparently had been fed formerly with some wrong information which made me difficult to tell him the truth. This made me miserable. I strongly disagree to the fact that he was bias when giving a statement. He was not in my place and by listening to only one side of story made him a lousy administrator. I wonder why this world is full with these groups of people..worse when they hold higher positions in any organization. No wonder my state is one of the lowest achievers...

And yesterday I received an important news. The movement has started. One of my colleagues has received news that she will be moved to another office. I am sad until today since she was not happy to be transferred and me too. Nevertheless I knew it has to happen because the situation has become under control and I had no choice. Now I am waiting for other movements which for me are critically needed to save this organization. I know I am not the the first boss but whatever I did is for the sake of this office. I had to even I hate to do it. And that's why I despise politics.

Frust..

I am really frustrated..

If only I can get the person who wrote the the letter..I will show her (definitely it is a she)..who is the boss!

I will act with wisdom..I will wait..I will know who is that..then that person will get it from me..I promise she will get a full blow from me..just wait!

How I wish..

2 things I wish for:

1. I am the person I was the first time I stepped into the new office..ignoring all and absorbing all...

2. To have the "care for nothing except myself" attitude..

Then..I will be happier..not like now..pathetically boring person..hurmm

Back to normal..

We started our journey to Jitra, hundreds of kilometers away from my home on Monday morning. Dropped by my sis's house in Sg Petani around noon for lunch and continued driving and finally reached the destination around 4 o'clock. I registered for the course first then immediately went to the home stay. It was a big and clean house and we were comfortable staying there.

Nevertheless,we were not really happy about the food there. May be we didn't find the good spot to eat but overall it was quite distressing finding good, satisfying restaurant for dinner. I didn't spend much time shopping since Aurora tagged along. It was difficult to find free parking lot and the weather was not helping either.

Back to work on Friday. Saw the person but I just ignored everybody all day long especially that person. I felt odd and really,really uncomfortable. This is very annoying..coz even until now I am still remembering..

Untitled..coz I am numb..

Last week my baby caught flu and fever from her brother who came back for three days holidays..then it went wild..the next victim was my hubby who too got sick ..and the to me myself. It was very tiring taking care of one adult who behaved like kid and one baby who of course acted like a baby..crying..wanted to be carried all the way..difficult sessions of giving medicine..and worse I felt like collapsed due to fatigue. Now, after a week my baby gets better but still cries at nights with blocked nose. Pity her to have her sleeps disturbed. However her dad gets better quickly..thank God coz the mother now had finally catches flu..hurmm..at present I was typing my entry with sore throat and uncomfortable blocked nose..

It is decided that we..yes WE (me, my husband, my baby and my elder daughter) will go together to Jitra for my a week course. Now it has become a holiday..not me going for a professional course.. but more like an extended holiday. We had discussed and have come to a conclusion that my hubby alone cannot take care of Aurora..worse now she is not really feeling well. Another reason is to save me from being worried to death thinking about her being left behind. We will be together even it will cost a lot of money for hotel fees and food. However that will keep me sane and my husband will be happier.

Even though I thought that Friday was the last day for me to see that person before I go, but still Allah decided us to meet again this afternoon in one 'open house' occasion. I wonder why our paths crossed? Why? I wish to know the answer soon..

Heart does matter..

It was quite a while I did not write new entry. I was busy and when I was not busy I slept. I slept whenever I could. When you reach this age a woman needs sleep..enough sleep. If not she will get tired..irritated easily and grumpy. Hmm..

For more than two weeks I have been avoiding that person. I do not know how and why..possible because I have been thinking hard about all these a lot. I prayed to Allah to show me the way..the right way.. I forced myself to keep busy..I cut chances to meet that person..even I felt sad but that was the best for us..for me at least. I notice that person noticed the changes but what to do..life goes on..

I am going for a week course. I dread the day I have to leave my baby at home with only my husband to look after her for a week. I will miss her a lot..a lot more than I had ever experienced before. Truly love at the first sight bound my heart with hers. I cant live without her.. However,a week separated from my hubby is a good thing. It is good so that he will learn to miss me back..like he used to..last time. Then he will learn to appreciate my presence ...my existence. It is because since we are so engrossed with Aurora, he seldoms spend quality time with me. So good for me to be away..he will be missing me...at least that's what I expect from him..at least.

11 months!

Our love for her is growing stronger and stronger..my baby.

In a few hours my baby turns to be 11 months old. Nowadays Aurora is very active..starts to push up her small bottom..trying hard to crawl but always falls back to her stomach again and again..So cute and so determined she is coz every time she falls she will get up to her knees and try again. We are so happy to see this and so relieved coz we have been expected her to gain the crawling skill already same like other babies.

She can't be kept still..very difficult to cuddle her since she moves a lot. The only time she keeps still in my arms is when she sleeps in the car. Other than that she is on her own gliding here and there to explore every thing and goes to every corner of the house to find any thing that catches her interest. We have to monitor her closely and with cautious. However we could see she loves bottles..any kind of bottle small or big she loves them..hehehe..what a funny thing coz any toy we bought for her do not interest her but bottles really captivate her attention..

She loves to eat and now wants to taste every thing even raya cookies. Rice porridge is getting her nerves coz she only eats a bit then shaking her head refuses to eat more like she used to. She is getting bigger and thus getting more demanding and picky on her food.

A little about Hari Raya. We spent the first day in KL visiting my hubby siblings and family. It was not so memorable since I didn't really bother to think about them..let them live the way they are..and we the way we are..we are always different..will never be the same.

The second day and so on I was here waiting for my siblings to gather in my home. later we traveled to see my father. Then the rest of the days spent cooking..cooking and cooking until Sunday when finally every body left to start working on Monday. Hmmm..finally I can rest and my kitchen is deserted and the stove can rest too..hehe
Till then..

I am inviting trouble..

Yeah, right. I am looking for trouble and here it comes..good for me. It's getting worse..to the stage that I can sit quietly thinking and thinking..and dreaming that I can spend a day with...Oh my..what has happened to me???

Raya cookies..

My son called when I was cooking. He was asking if the father could buy him some hot dogs and to send them to his hostel. My husband quickly went out to buy them and with some lightening speed zoomed to the son's hostel..hmm. My husband..will do anything for the son..anything..

Tomorrow morning I will not rush anywhere. I had applied for a day off. Just want to stay at home to rest and to start my cookie's project. I want to bake some raya cookies..may be 2 or 3 types of cookies..that's it..not more than that. I don't have much time baking like last year. Now with the toddler I can hardly taking time baking.

Let's hope my plans worked or otherwise there is no homemade cookies this year..hehhe

10 months...my love

Aurora turns 10 months today. Such a sweet baby...smiles every time I say her name. She adores her dad, brother but mostly to her big sister, loves her so much. She can smile to her big sister even she is not in the mood and squeals happily even her big sister just smiles at her..

I adore her. I love her more when now she can differentiate me as her mother and others as strangers. She wants me to carry her not others. True, my hands feel like to drop carrying her because she is so heavy, but I love the smile she gives me every time she come into my arms. She is jealous every time me and her dad sit closely together..screams loudly as if she saying "don't get close to my dad..he is mine.." Hahahha..

My son came back yesterday. As to honour (hehehe) his return, I booked a table at a hotel for breakfasting. We went out around 5.30 pm and reached home around 10 p.m. However to me, the food was not as good as I had expected although the meal was quite expensive. It was not worth the money. Well, it was a good outing, so the not-so-delicious-food did not spoil the trip. We shopped for Aurora's dresses and I enjoyed shopping her outfits because girls' dresses are always pretty and cute.

As for today's breakfasting I cooked beef rendang for my son and few other side dishes. However, 10 minutes before the azan, then I remembered I didn't cook the rice. Oh my Goodness...So everybody ate something else before eating rice 20 minutes later..Hmm..how forgetful I was.

Thinking hard on..

This past few days I am thinking hard on my next move..moving out of here. I have been here nearly 4 months, still adjusting to the new environment, whereas I should have been comfortable already...but unfortunately I am not. I am not happy with the people..not happy with myself. I know I can't never change people..their perceptions..their thoughts of me (their new boss)..but the thing that troubles me is I, myself refuse to get near to them. I can't understand myself..my attitude towards people changed when I come here. In my old office I was a jovial person..I mixed with everyone right to the cleaning ladies..but somehow I can't..or better still..I don't want to do the same here. Why? I am asking myself too..why not? Am I still adjusting? Or have I changed? May be I am getting old so adjusting takes sometimes..longer time. I hope so because it creates unhappy surrounding for me and may be for them too.

That person is ignoring me altogether. May be he had come to his senses that its quite impossible liking me more than a colleague. Moreover the fact that I am somebody here brings him down to earth..the fact that hits me too and makes me sad..

I am not happy

Been here nearly three months. One thing that is clear to me..I am not happy. Not happy with the people here..not happy with their attitude..their big mouths ...not happy with myself.

How I wish I am married with a big shot, then I can stop working..concentrate with my hobbies..looking after the family well being. Many times when troubles come..when people start gossiping..when I see the sour faces of several ladies's officers here, I feel I want to fire them or at least say few irritating words to let go my stress...but, I am not like that..I have to pull myself up and go on with my work.

I am not happy with myself too. I am looking for troubles ( which I have more than enough). However I could not stop the feeling..I want to spend time with him..I don't want much..just want to know that he like me too..damn..why..why now?

What am I doing?

That is the question I am asking myself now. Can't help myself but I think I am looking for trouble. How many times I have reminded myself not to..but finally I succumbed to that initial intention. How wrong but how nice...

Time to move on..

I always keep my old working place close to my heart. I still care about it and of course still care about all the people there especially when I thought they are still my friends..

Apparently it did not happen to them. With all things happened with them being so busy with work, they have forgotten me. My feeling towards them is not reciprocated..only me..not them. Well..what can I say..people change..it is true.

It's okay with me since that it is normal in this life. Starting from now I better think more about myself and will not consider much about others. Let them settle their own problems and let me move on with my new office here. Come to think of it..much better if I cut down communication with them. I will be happier.

9 months..

In a few hours Aurora will turn 9 months old..my baby is growing up! She is taller,heavier and becoming more anxious to explore her surroundings. She can't be kept still..she wants to touch everything and tastes anything. Her senses are getting stronger and her eyes follow my movements every where. She does not want to lie down..she wants us to carry her and show us all. She seems to be very curious with tv and the fan remote controls. She watches the tv screen intensely when it shows interesting actions. She opens and wriggles her two hands quickly as a sign that she wants to be picked up. She wrinkles her nose and blows hard to show that she is bored and wants attention. I love to see all these and savour every single moment with her. I will always look at her especially when she sleeps..my baby..how I love you so much..

She eats twice a day now and sometimes can finish a big bowl of rice porridge. I tried to change her menu but apparently she is stuck with anchovies and vegetables porridge. She does not like chicken or fish in her food. I am thinking on how to change her appetite to be a bit more adventurous. However when I analyse her father's orthodox appetite I am not surprise that the daughter follow suit. Like father like daughter.

A little about me and my new office. I am getting used to my new place. I have learned that anywhere you work there will be problems which are caused by humans. I too have learned not to put my nose in that pot which demands me to mind my own business and at the end of the day I want to go home happily and to forget all about works at home. In my small house I can get all the love I want. I am content. Thank You Allah. Thank You.

Birthdays..

Aurora and her big sister.

We celebrated my teenager's daughter's 14 birthday on June 3. I baked a cake,decorated it with some icing flowers..cooked special dinner of roasted chicken and presented her the birthday presents. Not so expensive but she was happy to get them.

My baby turns 8 months today...8 months..seems so fast and she is growing up steadily. Getting heavier and cuter..so many new tricks..eats twice a day of porridge especially and lovingly cooked by her sister. I have trained my daughter to simmer the porridge and put some veges and little of anchovies..Aurora loves it so much..its a joyous moment feeding her..she opens her small mouth and quickly chews( no teeth yet) and opens her mouth again and again. I am so happy and content seeing her and my husband adores her so much. In fact we all do..

I planned to go somewhere this school holiday but traveling with my small baby pose a problem. I pity her to be uncomfortable during any drive anywhere especially long journey. She can't stand heat and nowadays it is very warm to be outside even just a few minutes. So we decided to stay at home and just go nearby places for shopping and eating out. Till later..

Time to unwind

School holidays has started. I am planning to take a few days off and go somewhere to have a short break since the children are at home. However I still have no idea of where to go. But first thing first. Tomorrow we going back to my father's house to visit him. I promised to bring him a new tv set so we will go and shop for it first then visit him.

Actually I just came back from a three-day course and I am happy to get back home. I missed my baby so much and to me it was worse than missing my husband..hehe. But it was true coz every single minute I was thinking about her. My baby..I love you so much..we all do..

New venture..

I have started baking..cupcakes..cakes..bread and chocolate making..on my own. I am aggressively looking for places to sell my products. I managed to get an order..to supply bread to a school. I hope the product is good enough to attract buyers and I can sell more. My early response is very positive..they all liked all my bread and chocolates..and cupcakes.

I do hope I can do better and get a constant order to supply. It is my way to get extra income..to cover my expanding expanses..to release stress and to pursue something I enjoy..baking and cooking. This is my first time doing business and i do hope it runs smooth. I am not dreaming that my business will be successful within a short time but I am taking my time improving on my products and God Willing..one day I will be successful and secure a good income. My retirement day will come..and I want to have a better future for my children. Thank You Allah for showing me the way..please guide me all along the way..

Not feeling well..

For few days I have been coughing..started with painful sore throat. Few weeks before my son had it..then he passed the virus to his ayah..Aurora..to his sister and finally to me..Hmm..now he is okay but we are still having it..pity my baby to cough especially at night.

I have been busy running here..meeting there..meeting here. I am really looking foward to have a break and really eager to start my baking chores. This weekend we will go to KL again to buy the equipments. Hope I can start as soon as possible..I really want to..

Aurora is 7 months!

Busy running here and there until i almost forgot today marks Aurora's 7 months birthday..Happy birthday my love..you have brought me so much joys and happiness.My life is now complete when you come. Thank You Allah..so much for this gift.

My son called just now. His sore throat has gone. He had gained back his original voice..not the rough and uncomfortable sound which he had for for nearly a month! He sounded happy since he was selected to represent the school for Science Carnival near here. Good my son..I know you will enjoy your new life in the new school.

As for me..I am slowly starting my business. I have gone for the course..now getting the machines and other equipments. I hope I will success with my new venture. Please help me God to make it through..make me strong and energetic coz I know I need it. But mostly I need Your Guide and compassion. Thank You Allah.

Getting along fine..

It's nearly a month my son has moved to stay in hostel..it's has been more than 3 weeks I have moved to the new working environment,new office..new friends..new people. Some how life has been great for all of us. However we are busier than before. Weekends are full with visiting my son in hostel and doing cooking and cleaning the house. Since last weekend my son came back to spend the 3 days holiday at home, we decided to go to KL. I wanted to attend a chocolate making class in Seri Kembangan and at the same time bringing the kids sightseeing..giving all of us a break.

We checked-in in Grand Continental (I did not have time to check other hotels..and this hotel had been in our "best-choice" list long before) and the next morning after breakfast my hubby drove me to Seri Kembangan. Nothing unusual happen during the class but one thing that made me wonder is the attitude of one of the students there. I did not mind she calling me kakak even though she is much older than me but the one thing I could not tolerate is the selfishness. She came late..we were supposed to start at 10.30 a.m but she came 11.00 something so we had to wait for her. Another thing was she could have come on her own by taking cab but she asked the husband of the teacher to fetch her from the LRT station and sending her back the same way..Who is she to be given special treatment? I could come right on time even I stay hundreds of kilometers away compared with her just coming from Cheras?

Well..I should not spend my time thinking about her. I am not surprised because there are people like that every where and the older you get does not mean the wiser you will become...Just hope I will not be like that.

Missing him..

Big brother


The house seems empty since my son moved to live in a hostel. Although the hostel is not far from home and we see him every single time the administration give permission for visiting..but still it is not the same..I miss him a lot..miss seeing him attacking his food with gusto( he loves to eat anything I cook )..missing seeing him watching Korean movies, animax..missing his smiles...missing the time I woke him up every morning ( he will wait until I come inside his room, he is awake already )..off the aircond..and missing to utter the sentence "am bangun..dah pukul 6 dah ni.."

He is my first child..a very special one.. I have so many terms of endearment to address him.. he is my Tan ( a short form of Intan)..Manja (Jer)...Sayang..or Am (short form of Idham..his real name). I call him with all these names until now even he is already a teenager..16 years old young man..The best thing he is not ashamed to be called "Manja" in front of others..That does not mean he is girlish or what..he is my manja since he is a baby..

I could see in his eyes he is missing home too..especially now he is not feeling well. He had fever later flu and now coughing. He is thinner and has a pair of tired eyes .The last time I saw him made me sad. I wish I could bring him back home with me. However I could not do so. He has to learn to be independant..to be more focus on his study..and to be a man..My son..I miss you but every single moment I think about you I will never forget to pray to Allah that you will be fine and one day you will be a man we'd proud of..even now you already are..

Starting again

It has been more than a week I have moved to the new office. Its odd,awkward..but I am relieved. My hypertension has lessen and I feel happier. Even I have tons of things to do..to learn but it's okay..I am fine and will be fine..

May Allah show me the right path..gives me strenght and will to start fresh..

The Final Goodbye...

Picture taken from Google

Today marks another important event in my life. I formally said goodbye to all my friends,subordinates and collegues. I have tried to imagine that day I finally go from here but it was not the same like the real experience. This morning I was given a chance to speak, to be given an honour to launch the bulletin. My tone was normal at first but when I mentioned the fact that today was my final day here, people could notice the choke in my throat and my voice crumbled..I admit I was happy to leave because I could not stand the stress here but I love some of the people there and I actually love the place. However when it was time to say farewell after 11 years working there it was hard..really hard..

I cried..everytime I hugged them..one by one..the words I reserved to say to them were gone.. I forgot the lines because I was busy wiping my tears..I know when they hugged me, they were really sincere saying they would miss me and they love me dearly because I too felt the same..

Goodbye my dear friends..all of you will sadly missed but your kindness and gracious efforts to help me all through the years will always be in my heart. May be one day I will come back there and this time as the head of the department..just may be..Until then..bye bye..

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Aurora is 6 months!

Within few hours Aurora will turn 6 months old. My baby is getting bigger..cuter..full of tricks and brings us so much happiness and joy.

She is heavier and now feeds more milk and soft-blended rice with veggies. I try to alternately change her menus..sometimes with carrot or green veggies but I still limit her protein intake to only washed anchovies and no salt. So far she loves the food and I do not push her to take more than she wants.

I still remember vividly the day she was born..the day I took her home..the days and nights I spent in the hospital when she was admitted for jaundice..the sleepless nights when she had her wind problems..the first time she laughs loudly ( I was so pleasingly surprise)..every single moment I spend with her is so lovingly cherished..

My baby..I love you so much and I can not thank Allah enough for giving me you..the best gift ever in my life.

My son called at 6.30 am today. He spent the first night in hostel. All along the night I kept wondering how was he...waiting for his call..worrying he could not cope living in new environment. When finally he called, I was so relieved..Thank God he was okay and seemed to face no problem at all. However, we feel lonely..missing him especially my hubby..He has lost a friend to talk to..manly talk..a friend to play badminton in the afternoon..a friend to play computer games..a son..

We will have to go on with a bit of change. We will get used to it..some how. Thank to Allah, our lives are on the right tracks and we feel blessed. Alhamdulillah..

The parting...

The first time I sent my child to a boarding school..

My son had several times go for camping, sleeping outside my home, away from me but never like this..This time he is going to stay out for a long time..at least two years. I had strongly hold to my stand that no child of me ever going to stay in hostel..will never be. However I had changed this time since I feel my son needs to focus on his study. Here at home he will spend more time watching tv or playing computer games. He is the first child and we, especially my hubby put high hopes on him.

Coming back from registering him I feel at lost. I kept calling his name even though I meant to call my daughter. My hubby laughed at me for making the same mistake again and again but I could see he too experiences loss. A big loss..and loneliness. He and my son are very close even though they are not blood-related. They are closer than father and son..they are more like friends..I am sad to see the separation but happy because my husband's wish comes true and all his efforts to make sure my son gets the best education had paid off.

My son..we all love you and miss you. I love you the most..study well..make me proud..make ayah happy..

Busy and busy..

Been busy this whole week..I need to quickly finish all my work before I go. Then on Monday my hubby at home received an big envelope..my son got an offer to a boarding school here and has to register latest by next Monday. Then it all started..busy shopping..doing medical check up..all those forms to fill up..so tiring. And me with all to finalize at office..some more with these could not get enough rest..finally on Thursday I took mc because I could not take it anymore. My BP rise up and I could not sleep well.

By today things have cooled down a bit. I went to report to the new office and will start officially next Monday. I sent the letter of postponing the transfer coz I still have tons and tons of work to finish up..before I finally say goodbye..

I hope I will go through the next week in a breeze and still maintain my healthy condition..Thank Allah for giving me strenght..for making things easier for me..for giving me so much gifts and blessing..Thank You for making my husband so happy when his loving son got the offer..I know he has been hoping for that. Thank You.

Transfer..finally

On Friday afternoon I was asked to pick up an important letter from the big boss. I knew it was the long awaiting letter of transfer. My boss called me in in her room. I spoke for a while with her..let go some of my unhappy feeling towards her and her way of running the organization..Well i don't know whether she could take my advice or not. It's up to her..I am leaving the office for good but I just pity some of dear friends who are left behind.

I have not yet discovered what I actually feel about moving out. I still have two weeks to go before finally say goodbye. So let me experience the last two weeks...testing my real feeling..testing my friends' feelings..I just like to see first. But deep inside I feel relief..I am going..I actually leave after 11 years working there. Goodbye..

Course

I am going for a three day and two nights course..nights? Two nights? Can I survive tow days sleeping without my baby? Can my husband survive three days and nights without me..? He alone taking care of our baby? Hmmmm..still contemplating..to go or not to go? Quite far to commute everyday..and the road is very dark and scary to travel alone at nights..even during broad daylight.

However I tell myself it is all for a good reason..to get something you have to sacrifice..this is my sacrifice for my family..I have to go..but still if there are friends who commute, I will try my best to do the same..May Allah be with me.

The long postponed move..

Finally I have made up my mind. I am going to move my daughter to another school. The one she is schooling in nowadays is not applicable to her anymore. So for me it's better she moves out. Since school holiday is starting, I will fill up the transfer form tomorrow and when school reopens she will study in different school. It will less hassle for me since the new school is nearer to home and good for me too..less gossip and less heartache..

And soon I will move out too. It's high time to do so..the pain is unbearable..I have read somewhere that "hijrah" is bringing good things..and good things are the one I need the most..especially now..

Goodbye..friends..

Time flies...5 months!

Sleeping while still holding the booties..hehe


She loves to put her legs up and pull the sock out.


Aurora is five months..five! Seems so fast..I could still remember exactly what happen the day she was born..still remember the chaos..the pain..the sweet smell of her cheek pressed to mine. Tomorrow is her appointment with her doctor. I hope she will be okay..I can't imagine she will catch fever with me still not 100 percent well with my hypertension.

I will be busy this morning with ironing to do and later we will off to town to buy few things including Am's birthday presents. My son will in two days time turn 16. A young man already. He is not asking for anything fancy anymore. We used to buy him Gundam models (he loves to keep them) which cost hundreds of ringgit for his birthdays but not this time. He is not a gadget boy like his cousin and friends who would surely ask for new hand phone or i-pod or lap-top. He is a quiet boy and very selective when it comes to pick friends. In a way I like that, but sometimes I asked him to go out and mix around. I want him to have a normal boy's life but he is not keen on them. He prefers to stay at home..tv..computer and origami. Yes.. he loves origami and we bought him many expensive origami books. He could follow the steps in folding papers to create flowers, animals and other objects even all the instructions in English. Even I could not understand them but surprisingly he could. Well, we do not have any idea what to buy for him this time but he told me he needed new wardrobe..pants and t-shirts. May be we will buy that and I will bake a cake and have special dinner for him that day.

I could feel it's going to be more hectic and tiring next week. My boss would surely asking us to work harder. However as I have said in my previous entries..my heart has gone away..I am not happy anymore to be there. I want to move out and I will do whatever to make my wish come true. May Allah show me the way.Once bitten, twice shy. This time it hurts me a lot. I'd better go before I feel sadder.

The only people who still be with me forever..provide happiness and love ..is my family.

A Gift

My hypertension is still disturbing me. I do my best to control it. Taking medicine..very choosy in my food intake..taking supplements..herbs..whatever..as long as I can go through every single day of my life healthily. I have a very strong reason why I have to stay alive and be healthy. That is, I have a gift..a gift to be enjoyed to my last breath..if Allah permits..

My baby..my love Aurora. Every single day..every single moment,every time I stare into her eyes and she looks at me intensely, I thank Allah again and again..thank YOU very much for giving me this gift..a VERY special gift ever given to me in my whole life. She came when I had given up hope that I could ever have another baby with my second husband. I had two painful and sad miss carriages and later I stopped trying. I found out I was pregnant with Aurora a year after that..countless visits to hospitals..a few hundred times taking injections for insulin..drips..so many others problems..and finally Allah granted my wish for a healthy baby..so sweet.. until now I could not believe she is really here..and mine.

So now..I really pray hard to Allah..let me enjoy your gift..I savour every single moment being a mother to her..she heals my pains..she gives me hopes..she lights my dark nights..she pours me love..happiness..she is my world now. Please Allah..help me fight my illness so I can take care of your gift for me. Thank You.

Broken to pieces

My orchids are blooming..

Well..it has been a long time I did not write. I have been so busy and was not feeling well. After I had taken medication and controlled my stress, I feel better but never miss my pills or else the blood pressure will surely rise up...like yesterday.

Yesterday I had a meeting in the afternoon. There I discovered something which pissed me off and broke my heart...to pieces. My soon- to- be- 14 year old daughter..the baby I have loved so dearly and ever ready to die for had betrayed me..I was so sad and devastated to find out the truth..and it made me so mad until I screamed at her at the top of my voice..I slapped her on the face even she held my legs asking for forgiveness which I ignored. That mad! And I spent a sleepless night thinking about it..how could you do this to me? This morning I was still mad but I did not show it much coz I am sure she had got the message..do it again, you will get another bash from me..

Aurora...4 months and two weeks already.. had started eating soft blended rice..a few tiny spoonfuls as a start. I knew it was quite early to introduce solid food for her but I could see she was ready for it. So today marks her 4th day taking solid..well not really solid..very watery rice porridge actually. Today I could see she enjoyed it and taking every spoonful with gusto..until she refused to take no more..and started pushing the rice in and out playfully..

This afternoon My family went to have a farewell party for one of my office colleagues. He had served more than 30 years in our office but I was sad to see that only few of my other office mates turned up for the party..The fact that he was only the gardener and had no position in our office may one of the reasons why others inconsiderately failed to come..Sometimes I was left in wonder of why are some people are so selfish and insensitive..and shocked to see those who consider themselves as educated and religious conscious individuals are in fact the worst people of all. Wait for their turns..the day they leave the service and nobody cares..nobody appreciates..their time will come..Allah is ALWAYS fair to everybody.

Hypertension

I have to take the medicine for hypertension..the first time..never before. Well, I have been having this neck pain since a month ago..since I did the work for my boss. It was a really hard work with many last minutes changes asked by the boss. I was so tensed up and finally I have got this new illness..

I was giddy and last Monday morning I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't work so I went to clinic.The reading was quite high and the doc gave me pills and asked me to rest for he feared I might collapsed.

I was no happy but at the same time thanked Allah so much for giving me this illness after I safely delivered Aurora..I can't imagine if I have this during my pregnancy..

Now I have to take care of myself..I have a baby to take care, 2 kids to look after..and a husband who loves me so much..I told him please take care of our kids if I am not around..his reply is..please take care of our kids if I (he) is not around..yer la tu i said..and he told me..don't ever said that again..remember we have promised to die together..if both of us died who are going to take care of our kids..I am quiet..I love u Bius..so much..I promise that I will be with u forever till both of us die..

Tired

Almost everyday I came home late. Meeting,projects,programmes...I can't take it anymore..so much to do and so little time..

I want to do a special entry and give my personal comments on the increasing cases of 'stealing husbands"..as two of my blogging friends experienced..Net and Kasih Firdaus..
However I haven't got time to type..may be this weekend..

So before that..the women who steal other women's husbands please answer my one question..Where is your conscience? Stealing things from other is bad..what more stealing other women's husbands..and stealing their lives? Where do you put your heart?
How can you sleep every nite?

My heart has gone away...

I have been working at the same place for nearly 11 years..I transferred from far away to this place. At first I enjoyed the peacefulness and calmness but now I am not happy anymore. Things are different..people have changed and the serenity of this place has gone..

I started as nobody..now I am somebody..and I don't like it. I choose to enjoy my life after all the hardships in my early working years. Now I have a stable job..satisfying salary and beautiful family..I wish no more except spending my time happily and no headache and heartache..

The thing that has been in my mind these days is I want to move on..transfer to another office and forget whatever unhappiness here. I will do something to make my wish come true..and I am praying hard to Allah to let the truth finally revealed..

The one source of my happiness nowadays and my misery melt away.. my love Aurora..my family..

A Visit

Aurora with her big brother

Yesterday, Saturday, early morning I woke up the children, prepared my baby's bath, packed her things and ours..and later straight we went to visit my father who lives some two hours drive away.

My father had never seen Aurora before. He is too old to travel so we had to go back and showed him his new grandchild. He is not feeling well due to his diabetic problem but overall he is fine. He was happy to see us but could only hold Aurora for a while for she moved a lot and my father was scared he might drop her. My hubby bought some food and we had a simple but nice lunch. My father's house was very near to a river so the wind was cooling and calming.

After lunch I went out to have a chat with my father's neighbour's wife. I called her Makcik Nab. We exchanged news,talking about her children and kampong folks whom I know. One thing that she said but marked in my heart was about me going back to visit my father and my mom when she was around (she passed away 10 years ago performing Hajj). Makcik Nab said I was the only child who keeps on coming and visit my father..while the rest of my sibling rarely do so and some never even stepped on my father's compound since 10 years ago. Well... I told her, all others have their own lives..married with husbands who don't favour my family and my parents..so what to do? Even my mother could never say anything if her own flesh and blood abandon her when some of her daughter married to lousy and stupid husbands. She just kept everything inside her and continued to be nice to her son-in-laws. I knew she was sad but when she was alive I did everything I could to make her happy..took her anywhere she wanted to go and gave her anything she wanted to eat. She used to say to me that she was satisfied going out with me because I was the only child with whom she traveled to many places and ate a lot of delicious food. The last thing I did for her was to send her to Mecca performing Hajj..she passed away there. I was really sad when she didn't come back but at the same time happy because I managed to make her wish came true..to go to Mecca and died there.

I don't have much money to give to my father,nor having much time to visit him often..but I will continue to be a good daughter because his name is after my name and I carry this name forever till I die.

Aurora is 3 months old

Yup..she is. Getting bigger, heavier and cuter..hehehe.

I finished my work then immediately rushed home. Ate a quick lunch and zoom we went to clinic for Aurora's appointment and injection. The latter was the part I am scared to face. I don't mind if I have to take the injection a hundred times but not my baby. Well..it's all for a good reason. Now she is sleeping but keeps on moaning waking up many times. Sign...another sleepless night for me.

Fire!

I was really angry today. However one good thing about me is I don't bring up my anger and lash it to everybody. I just focus on the person (the source) of my anger..and there she got to see my worst side. And I am sure she will remember it forever in her life.

I was never hash to my subordinates,even they are testing my patient many times. I am a very considerate person and always make sure everybody is comfortable with me and helps them in any way possible. I can joke and laugh freely with them without thinking so much that I am the boss and they are my subordinates. However, one thing that they have to remember there is a limit in anything. ONE thing that I really HATE is talking or a better word for that ...mengumpat...my personal things. I have never bother about their personal things and like to look for any gossip. I respect them..and they too have to respect me..fair.

So today, finally I can't restrain my self and I "fire" the person. I cried because I felt so much hurt by what she did but it was a relief because finally I released my anger. Serve her right. Next time please mind your own business and remember I am still the boss!

Aurora's new tricks

My sweet Aurora

After the case of colic last week, Aurora is better after taking the medicine. However, we don't want to depend solely on medicine every time she has colic.So, I went around to ask for any "petua" to prevent colic. We tried it all. I am still searching for any bidan to massage her tummy since my friend said it one of the ways that work for colic babies.

We also decided to change her formula. She has taken Enfalac A+ since she was born. We thought may be she couldn't take soy milk so we changed into cow milk formula..Nan Pro. After a few days she has showed some improvements. We were scared she might not like it or it was not suitable for her but it seems alright until today. We are relief.

Aurora will turn to be 3 months old next week. She has developed many new skills and tricks too. She can see clearly now and her eyes would follow me everywhere. She has started cooing..sweet sounds from her..as if she is trying to talk to us. She smiles a lot every time we speak to her. She likes to put her fingers inside her mouth. Her baby gloves are always wet and I have to change it several times a day. She is quiet heavy to be put on the shoulder and my arms are in pain for carrying her a lot. Besides that she is still and will continue to be the cutest baby in my world.We thank to Allah for she is healthy and grown up well.

I pray to Allah to endow us prosperity, health and happiness for all of us this new year 2011. And I hope I can perform my duty well as wife, mother, worker and most of all a humble servant to You Allah The Almighty.