When will...

 

                                                                      From YouTube

I could not do my work...

I cannot focus..

Stop typing and cry again and again...

Astaghfirullah..

When will this misery move away from my heart..

I cannot bear it any longer...

Goodbye 2019...

In my whole life, 2019 is one of the saddest years ever..beside 1999 and the year 2000.

As if the changing of the decade will be marked down with sadness..misery..losses..heartbreak..

I am looking forward to the day I retire..so the next thing I will do is to complete the form, making sure all the necessary things taken care off..work for two more years and two months and say goodbye..

The recent event.. the tears...the chaos ..the politics in this office is unbearable..is suffocating..I need to let go..

Allah the Greatest Planner..please let me work in calm..let me do my best for the last two years of service..and let me go quietly..unceremoniously...

From You Tube

                                                                  From You Tube


Goodbye 2019...my heart breaks each time I am thinking about him..

I cry..again

That kind of people never change..

I have lived long enough not to be shocked and surprised by people acts. However, now and then I came across people who are so insensitive, selfish and arrogant. Here in this work place I have met many of those characters who are still kicking and believe that they are on the right tracks but apparently they are bullying others, misjudged people around them, taking advantage and the worse case scenarios heartless.

The boss is not yet officially gone from this office but the seconder is impatiently wants to go in..bringing the lots. The other head is also excitedly announcing memos which makes the boss feels that he is obstructing the way, thus making him left the group all of the sudden. I am watching all these unfolded in my own eyes..feel sad and I could feel the sadness of the old boss. And during the meeting just now, I saw they used it as a joke and laughed away. I felt sick watching them.

Second incident, last night, I received a message..not work wise but more like gossiping things..I replied but later I felt tired and drowsy. I read the next message but did not replied because I wanted to sleep and it was not important too. Then early morning I received more messages from that person telling me that she felt bad that I did not reply to her messages and I have changed not to be same person when now I have worked in the office. My God..why people should be so insensitive..I was at home with my family..and after breakfasting I was so tired and not so interested in gossiping. For me, she is the one who never change..still being the same person..heartless, insensitive..harsh in words used and arrogant.

 Years have gone by..still holding the same attitude. may be you are great in your work but that's not what count finally..the only thing that people remember about you long after you have gone is the hearts that were hurt by you..

Grow up fast because its quiet late now.

Happy Birthday to me...

Never I have written about my own birthday..

This time I will..

This year I celebrated the day with a mixed feelings..sadness, broken hearted, self awareness, gratitude..

Sad because the day should be more memorable with his presence..which did not happen..

Broken hearted because of the empty promises..

Self awareness because I know I am old enough to be in this mess..

Grateful because all along this long journey I have HIM...

                                                       
                                                                      From Youtube

Dzikir Al-Matsurat Pagi dan Terjemahan Bahasa Indonesia - Ustad Hannan A...

To unlove someone..

  I read from Elite Daily..about how to unlove someone..

  It says..

  You unlove another  because you remember to love yourself. Because in those moments when you      put him first and he forgot to do the same, you remember to put yourself first. You CANNOT love      someone in place of loving yourself and you CANNOT love someone who will never love you            back.

 If it happens, it will hurt, you will have to unlove the person, love yourself and then start from the   beginning.

 To unlove someone is a struggle. it is going against the current; it is fighting the natural flow of your   emotions. It is going against everything your heart wants; it is struggling to adhere to every move   you want to take.

From Google 

  I am surviving...

  

La Tahzan..

Ever since that event, my mind is slowly, painfully tuned to my normal life.

I kept doing my usual tasks..still going every where..trying my best to help my clients, talked, joked..laughed..all but still when I am alone..in my room..in the car, I cry or at least think..and be sad. Nevertheless, I make sure all my tasks are completed accordingly..

This grieving process making me thinking a lot..on people around me..on my reasons of existence..on my future..on my feeling..on the way I look at the nature of my eternal destiny ..on the way I show my faith to Allah's fate.

I have decided to let go..

However hard I tried to maneuver my fate..to have worked my best to get what ever I want..to pray diligently on things I want to achieve..BUT Allah is The Greatest Planner..

I have decided..after I have done my best, I would just follow what had actually decided upon me on the  Loh Mahfuz, my Book Of Decrees..

I would simply let Allah Decides..

And I keep on listening to this song...

Truly I miss HIM so much..

From You Tube

Oh Allah, set right my faith which is the safeguard of all my affairs,

And set right for me my world affairs wherein is my living,

An set right for me my hereafter on which depends my after life,

And make my life a source of abundance of every good,

And make my death a source of protection for me, protecting me from every evil,

Oh Allah! Make the best part of my life the end of it,

And the last of my deeds the best one,

And the best of my days, the day I meet you,

Oh Allah! I ask of you the best whilst living,

And ask for a good death,

And not a shameful or embarrassing return,

                                         And forgive me Allah for I have sinned..forgive me..

I am not healed..yet

Google Image

 Yesterday.

 I braced my self and off to the office..hers.

 Spoke for 2 hours...and all the time,  I looked and stared at the person closest to him..trying to read   and to understand..

 I keep telling my self, she is kind..and pretty..and I am the opposite. She has the right..every right ....and I don't have..none what so ever..

 I thought I was strong enough..but driving back home, passed by his house and saw his car in the garage..I broke down...crying hard..all the way home. Went into the shower..as to swallow my sound of weeping and sobbing..

 And I spent the whole day crying and crying...until early the next morning..

 I could not take it any more..I prayed really hard to Allah..."Allah The Almighty..help me please..please heal  my  pain...I could not be like this..it is so painful..please"

 Mysteriously, almost immediately I stopped crying...

 "Robbi Dholamtu Nafsi Faghfirli"

  

  Allah, I have wronged my self, please forgive me...

Time heals..

It has been nearly 2 months..
My heart breaks..still..
My mind keep on playing the same old stories..conversations..expressions..the happy time and then the saddest moments..and then now..the misery

However, as time has passed..the pain is not really that intense
Even  though it is very much in my mind but I am trying my best to move on...

I am missing.. a lot..and I know it is the same with the other half..

Let's us suffer..let's enjoy the suffering because this is what we expect to happen long before every thing starts, at least my self.. I know..the only thing I had never expected is the pain..

To Allah I give myself fully..He holds my heart..my life story..my journey..
He will heal me..

I have only HIM.

From Youtube

My baby is nine years old...

Aurora ..

There are so many gifts I have received
in my whole life

However, the best ever I have received,
is the one from Allah The Al-Mighty
The one who had celebrated her ninth birthday
last week.

Happy Birthday dear Aurora.
We all love you so much.

Thank you for being the source of my happiness
all through out the years of
my life...

The mourning month..

                           

                                                                                    From YouTube..

     Today the last day of the month..which marks the last day of my mourning of my heart break..

     By tomorrow October 1st, I should be able to move on..

     I have asked Allah of the reason behind all these, but until today I have not yet discovered the       reason beside that it is actually a test for me..a wake up call..a call from God asking me to go back to the right path..the path I have diverged for quite sometime this year 2019.

     How painful was the toil, how I whimpered, moaned, wept like never before..only God knows..

     True, the best medicine is to forgive and move on. However, it was very perplexing..an unpleasant thing to do..

    Until then..let's suffer..and let's enjoy the torment and anguish to the last..


 

Heart breaks...

                                                                     "He was never mine,
                                                         but losing him...broke my heart"

There are many words and articles to describe the heart breaking things but for me, no words could describe mine. I am not saying this incident was so special to make my world come tumbling down, but the pain was excruciating until it was really visible..my heart was really intensely  in pain.

If only I know...

Allahuakbar...

Allah..The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful..please ease my pain..

                                                   
                                                         Courtesy of Youtube

Silence..again

                                                  A matter of the heart....    From Google



It has been two weeks..

Sometimes I wonder..is this the other way to say goodbye or the stopper..?

Why do people can be so cruel, anomalously avoiding discussion..? Is the heart was made of stone?

Never in my life I acted this way, and I should congratulate my self for never been so adamant on something..but I learn in the hard way some people can actually do that..

I am a strong headed person too but I will never be so cruel and thoughtless.

And I was so unlucky enough to have met, and to have to deal with this kind of people.

However, each and every heart is hold by Allah The Al Mighty. Let Him decide whose heart is to be melted and whose to be hardened.

Whatever, I will not regret...and that person will.

The must and the hardest..

Dear...

I spent many days crying..praying..and decided..this is it..
I took the ride..as to finalise my decision..

Goodbye...

Lamenting..

                                                                    Into the oblivion 


He is gone into the silence mode ..again. The third time..may be a longer silence this time. I am tired of this childish act. Please let me out.

Many time I wondered, what has happened to me? Why am I feeling like this? Is this some kind of test?

Allah..help me..

The missing two months..June and July..

Those two months passed with so many stories..some happy, some new and exciting and many....many sad moments.

As to recap..here are some musics and songs all along the two months journey...

                                          Hijab Kekasih  (M.Nasir)         Courtesy You Tube

Godaan Rindu (Rafeah Buang) Courtesy You Tube

                                            Pengorbanan (Sharifah Aini ) Courtesy You Tube

                                        Cinta luar biasa (Andmesh) Coutesy You Tube

                                          Mengapa ( Rafeah Buang ) Courtesy You Tube

Aircond..

Since after Eid my room air condition unit does not work. I talked to many personels in this office about this matter..still to no avail. During Friday morning meeting I spoke..for many Fridays..still did not work. They talked about money..no allocation..not enough money..whatsoever..still no improvement. I do not care, whatever money, excuses about stupid SOPs...I JUST WANT THE BASIC facility..air condition..because I can not work here. Even the clerk can not do work when there is no air condition, what more about me? I am one of the officer who hold the highest position in this office, and they dare to ignore my need. Stupid lot!

So, just this morning I told the boss directly in the meeting..the third time in 3 months. I am angry and I want action. Don't give me promises and stupid crap about money and all. I do't care and I do not want to know.

Since that Friday, I did not come in my office. After I clocked in, I went straight to my car and drove off to the next office. Together with my friend I ventured to all schools..still doing my work but never set foot again to the office. I could not do work..my mind was disturbed..my heart was hurt. I know I am no body here, but at least give me the same right that is to have a comfortable place to work.

And now, after 2 weeks complaining and created a heady scene that Friday, finally I am sitting inside my room with cooler air condition. Thank God.

Turbulance..

This is a flight of my life..
I know it will not be smooth since I am holding a variety of posts..the Captain..the stewardess..the mechanic..the traffic controller..even the boarding pass or ticket officers. I am.

For my entire life, never ever I am facing the strongest and most crucial turbulence before...like now. A different one..For many years I am an avid reader in  a group dealing with marital affairs..conflicts..For many times also, I did ask my self why do I like to read all this craps..I am not going to experience them, so why and why should I  I like to read them?

Actually the reading habit is actually preparing me for this..

Of all my knowledge and experience, this really knocks me down into the drain..

O God The Almighty, please help me to get this over. I am helpless without your help. I need you help because now I am suffering ..

.......................................

Blest, who can unconcernedly find 

   Hours, days, and years slide soft away, 

In health of body, peace of mind, 

                            Quiet by day, 

Sound sleep by night; study and ease, 

   Together mixed; sweet recreation; 

And innocence, which most does please, 

                            With meditation. 

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown; 

   Thus unlamented let me die; 

Steal from the world, and not a stone 

                            Tell where I lie.

From: -

Ode on Solitude

BY ALEXANDER POPE

Courtesy of You Tube

I have started crying..

Finally, after months of dreading and not looking forward to the day, here it comes. The day I say goodbye to him, my partner. He is retiring next Wednesday. At the end, I will be alone doing this job, the task which  I am still learning by hard. I will alone collecting the data, processing the data, taking suitable actions, visiting clients..and go the office with no one to talk to. Practically I will be alone in every sense of words.

I wish I am the one who leaves. I hate being left behind especially to be left in this particular work place. I don't love them nor hate them but sometimes ..wrong..many times..almost all the time I feel lonely in a crowd. No one is considered a friend to me. I am not anti social but with this age, I find hard to assimilate my self in this new place. The last one year was a year of learning my real job, learning to understand data, to analyze them and to take proper action. However now..when he is going I feel I have lost a big portion of my passion to work.

I look forward to retire soon but I have no choice. I still have a lot of responsibilities and commitments with bills and loans to finish. Many times I was thinking to quit but I decided to step back and to wait..to wait at least 3 more years  then I call it a quit. But now when he is gone I feel like quitting now.

When he talked about the final day, I could not stop my tears. I did not care crying in front of him even he asked me not to do so. He might feel sad leaving this profession..after 35 years..but not to me. I don't mind leaving this profession even now. I was crying because I am losing some one dear to me. A character that is so mysterious, admired from far and now finally becoming so close to me. I have searched in my entire life for a character to fill up my emptiness and craving for intelligence and when I finally found one, he is taken and worst he is leaving me in a few days.😭

Why do I cried so hard? One last point..which I dare not to jot down here..let it be buried deep deep inside my heart. The song below has the hints..

Goodbye dear partner..

                                                       From You Tube..

Grrrr......

Happy Birthday my son..

Am

Am had been complaining about his phone for many months. He is not only using the phone to communicate but nowadays more for Grabbing. Last Saturday he had a frustration day trip when during grabbing the phone could not be charged. Without phone, he could not log on to the net and of course can not use the Waze application. He went home sadly meaning he could not earn extra cash that day.

On Sunday, after many weeks of trying to get hold of the phone he wants ( he does not expecting it) - Honor Play, we went and met at Ikea Cheras to celebrate his birthday early and presented him the phone. He was sad and happy at the same time. Happy for getting a new phone, and sad because the money he gave to his mother was used to buy the phone.

Am, you are my son. I know you since you were  inside my womb. You are a good son and I know you want to make me happy. However, my love to you and your sisters are beyond words. Not just a phone but I will give you my life if I have just to make sure you and your sisters are happy.

Happy Birthday my son..you make me proud.

Are you that good?

From Gooogle

                                                     
I was asked to help in a case handled directly by the District Counselor. It involved a Senior Leader's misconducts thus creates a conflict among other leaders and the boss. Actually, very rarely I was at awe at peoples' attitude and behaviour but this time I was struck with a new experience in dealing with people. We had a short discussion and she was telling us her side of story. Of course, she was blaming others but not herself. I went around getting information and I found out that she was not telling every thing. She left out the most important part of why in the first place she committed the wrong doing.

I always remind my self, never in any condition, presumed any thing. Check and check. Never say bad words in any discussion, never attack any body even when I have the power to do so. However, this case was different. I had listened to her blaming others on every thing especially her boss. This time I spoke directly. I could not restrain myself.

I had been once, a leader too. Several advise to her are ;  if you want to be respected..learn to respect others. If you want to lead, first learn to to be led. If you act, expect  certain reactions to your actions. If you point your finger to others, other fingers will point to you. There are many ways to reach your goal, but the one that makes all the difference  is which one you choose to reach it. What ever way you choose, choose the one less hurting others because even if  you will reach your goal, you will sure to lose them. And when they have had enough, they will strike you back.

In any place she has gone in her service, all her bosses had lost the argument battle with her.  She was never quiet before. She always win. But this time, she was speechless. I was giving her a medicine.

A bitter one.

The Road Not Taken..

I chose the one less travelled by...
Google Image

I like the poem, the above title, very much. The poet Robert Frost describes the choices in life which is very well written. When I have reached this age, I began to recall the choices I made in life. Some choices were not chosen by myself, its more because of others who had decided things for me. And I followed because I did not have the power to choose. I was weak. I let others to overpower me.

Later in life,there was this one thing I had chosen, purely on my own. However, nowadays I began to feel like I am the persona in the poem..The Road Not Taken. I began to wonder have I made the correct choice. I am sad..because I can not go back to the other road..

Till then..

Why??

Last Saturday night, I was preparing to lie down and call it a day, when my phone beep. A message appear on WS. No written word, only captions of father's day card. I noticed the card was from my girl to her father some 15 years ago..yes..her real dad, my ex.

The message really threw me off my guard. I had never expected after some 13 years, my ex came back into my life. After 13 years he ignored my kids, does not give money for "nafkah" ( I only notice few months ago, some money had been transfered into my account. I knew it was his, but I don't care because for more than 10 years he had never comply to his duties as father..not just money wise but others..none whats so ever. And I stop hoping he would play his part as father. Moreover, he had married to his present wife and have two kids with her. And me, I am very happy with my life now..and I don't need his money to support my kids's education. Let's bygone be bygone.

That night I could not sleep, I have lost my appetite to eat..and my mood gone into the drain. One question came to my mind?

Why???

Few expected answers:-
1)  He suddenly realize he got two kids..big kids now..who can support him? Help him? Take care of him?
2)  He is lonely and sick ..after 13 years? And where does the present wife stand?
3)  He wants to get back to my kids..the children he forgets some 15 years ago? A new awareness?
4)  He is having crisis with the present wife? And do I care?

WHY??

Towards the end of a journey...

My partner..

My colleague is saying sayonara to the service in a few months time. Actually he is counting the days to the day he says good bye. He will be not  around for the last few weeks because he will start holidaying  and resting at home then fly off to Mecca performing Umrah. How I wish I was him..

Such a very lucky person he is. Still very active and healthy except some minor sickness once in a while. I will miss our professional talks. The fact that he is a very intelligent man making me enjoy our discussions which seldom touch personal matters but more towards our task as officers. He is very good in programming instruments or technical jargon whereas I am good in language. He prepares the program and I fix the language. Such a good and compatible partnership.

Now he is going which leaving me sad. I will surely miss his help in running things..his vast experiences..his big ideas..his understandings....and his comical jokes which are enlightening in this jungle of office politics.

And me..will be losing a good partner. I will be more withdrawn into my cocoon..my silence. I really wish the day for my retirement come sooner because to be frank some of my mood to come to this office will be gone together with him. I know a good partner will never come twice in life especially to this old age, assimilation is never a simple task.

Goodbye Tn Hj Thani..you will feel that you will not be missed by others but not to me..

Till then...

See my test results at Personality Max

See my test results at Personality Max

New Year..2019

Google Image

Last year I had tried my hardest to put as many entry as I could..at least 2 entries per month. Writing is my passion but my time was occupied with work, behind the wheels, talking to many people, attending courses everywhere and doing house chores and sleeping..Seems that my abundance of ideas for writing mostly wasted..forgotten even sometimes some experience really touched deep inside my heart..some really making me cried and some were really left a very strong impression on my mind.

The new year has come..finally after much anticipations. Started with the month of October, me and my partner really slowed down our task. Most schools that we visited were busy with exams, year ends activities, dinners or special lunches held in hotels or restaurants, so we did not want to disturb the happiness of finishing one year of hard work by still visiting them when we were least expected. Even though  I stayed in my office, I still could not write. I did not know why but sometimes my mind wondered too far to the unreachable places and be dormant..unmoved. At home, I would not touch computer. I would rather grab my pillow and laid down. Well...old age is catching me fast.

Somehow here I am.At the end of January. I did not know how the days moved away to be today January the 30th. I hope it will be like this for the next 11 months and 3 years to go..day by day till the day I say goodbye to my my service as a  government servant. May all my wishes come true..may we all in good health and we we will be closer to God, Allah The Almighty.

Till then..